Capture Your Grief : Day 6 // What not to say

I've had to sit and think for a long while about all the things I wish I didn't hear when Avery first died. I chose "It was God's will" because I feel it caused the most internal damage, though all of the ignorant comments still hurt. I had a hard enough time struggling with my faith and feeling angry at God. When people told me Avery's death was 'God's will' or 'He had a purpose' for it, it felt like they were saying, "God chose to kill your baby. He wanted her to die." Obviously, I know this isn't true, but when you are drowning in the ugliest despair and feeling forsaken, it might as well be. I know God loves me and His hand is on my life. He knew Avery would die, but I don't believe He chose it. Terrible things happen as a result of being a part of this fallen, evil world. It just comes with the territory. For me, hearing that God orchestrated the most horrific nightmare of my life was in no way comforting. It just made my anger worse. I did not want to be in a place where I blamed God for taking Avery. But being told "God had a reason" just exacerbated those thoughts to no end and pushed me further from Him and His healing.

Sadly, it was hard to choose just one statement, because inevitably, careless words always seem to find a  way. I understand that the death of a baby is a very difficult thing to watch someone you know go through, and it's not easy to find the right words. But honestly, a simple "Sorry" will always suffice. A little extra thought and care about your words can help so much.

 I used to write blog posts in my head about 'what not to say.' For some reason, it never happened. I guess this is my chance to share the things I wish I never heard.

This too shall pass.

We've recently experienced tragedy as well because our puppy just died.

At least Daniel doesn't have cancer or something.

Everything happens for a reason.

This will give you such a great sense of appreciation for life.

Maybe something would have been wrong with her if she'd lived.

You'll have another baby.

I can't even imagine THAT.

You have to get over this.

Don't you think you should keep her photos private? People may find them graphic and disturbing.

Was all that pain worth it??

Having a living baby is hard too.

And then the things spoken behind my back that got to me anyway... (I was unsure of whether or not I should share these, but decided to go for it.)

Nicole needs therapy.

Avery doesn't count because she didn't survive.

Don't let her watch your kids, she might hurt them or steal them.

Nicole is dangerous.

I was surprised she was nice to my baby.

How could she still miss her? She never got to know her.


I also came to find, it's almost more painful when they say nothing at all.