2012 : Finding peace

We started out the year hopeful that it would finally be a calm and normal one. We craved an eventless year. Needless to say, 2010 ravaged and destroyed us to the core. 2011 was definitely better, but still pulled the rug out from under our feet and knocked the wind out of us. 2012 was both good and bad. Joyful and agonizing. That's life, though, isn't it? The bitter sweetness. The constant conflict of happy and sad.

January

Jude turned a whole six months old this month. Four months adjusted, sweet thing. My biggest memory from this month is when Jude had solid food for the very first time. Homemade banana purée. I was excited to see him try something new but so sad watching my baby grow up so quickly.

This month my grandpa celebrated his 80th birthday. (We didn't know it was his last.)

February

This month was tragic. I never blogged about what happened. I meant to but it just seemed at the time that there was no way to put it into words. Our family's pastor and dear family friend lost his 20 year old daughter, Hannah. A gun went off by accident, striking her in the head. She was in a coma for several days. Despite incessant prayers from literally around the world, beautiful Hannah, who we watched grow up, went to be with Jesus. It really shook my faith. I couldn't understand why God didn't save her. I couldn't believe He could allow that to happen to her precious family. Hannah was so young, so innocent. I still think about her all the time. I still ache for her parents and her little sister.

I've since stopped being angry at God for taking Hannah, just like I eventually had to stop blaming Him for Avery's death. I don't believe God does these awful things to us. No doubt, He is aware they will happen beforehand. But no one is exempt from the perils of this fallen world. God knew Hannah would die. He didn't like it. But He will make sure her legacy changes the world. He'll make sure her death was not in vain. He'll make sure souls are saved and hearts and lives are changed because of her. He'll use tragedy to bring about victory. In one way or another, He will and He has.

Also in February, my parents took my family and my brothers away to Tennessee, as they'd been planning for weeks. It was exciting to go away and get a break from everyday life. To take Jude somewhere fun and make some memories with him. At just 6.5 months old, Jude saw snow fall. It took me 28 years to see it!! It was definitely a sight for us Florida folk. We enjoyed our time there as a little family.

March

We celebrated (if you can call it that?) Avery's 2nd birthday in Heaven on the 13th. We released balloons at the cemetery and decorated her grave just like last year. It was surreal and bittersweet to have Jude there for it. For Avery's first birthday, I was 11 weeks pregnant with him, so unsure of whether he would make it here alive. But Jude was able to release a balloon for his big sister this time. I'm sure he had no idea he let go of the string, much less that he was even holding it, but it was still a touching sight for me.

In March, Jude also got his first two teeth and tried a sippy cup for the first time. ;)

April

Jude was sick for the very first time. He was put on nebulizer treatments but was better so quickly. It took him 9 whole months to catch anything! That's pretty good, I think. We're still weird (or just paranoid preemie parents?) and sanitize everything out in public, like restaurant tables and high chairs, shopping carts, etc. I guess it's paid off!

I stopped using Facebook. Yup. Life is so much better. My anxiety, sadly, just cannot take it.

This month, Jude also fell in love with swimming in the pool, usually with my dad. I loved watching him splash and enjoy the water.

April 14th marked six years since Daniel and I started dating. ;)

May

Daniel turned 25.

My grandparents celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary.

Jude had a follow up eye appointment (last one was when he was 5 weeks old). He was perfect, even when they put drops in to dilate his eyes! His eyes were still perfectly healthy. (The reason for his eye appointments was because preemies can suffer eyesight damage from receiving oxygen.)

June

June 1st marked TEN years since I graduated high school Yikes!! Where has the time gone?!

Daniel and I had the honor of photographing my cousin, Jason's wedding. I was very happy with how the photos turned out. It was a lovely day!

We experienced our first ever tornado while at my parents' house one weekend. We all actually had to cram into the bathroom to take cover. It was so loud but was over so quickly. The damage was pretty bad. Trees broken, screen, ripped, roof damaged, glass broken, cars dented... It was crazy!

Avery would have been two at the end of this month had she not passed away. I'll always think of that as my would-be due date of June 22nd comes and goes.

June 30th marked five years since Daniel and I got engaged. ;)

July

Jude experienced his first 4th of July and saw fireworks. We weren't sure how he'd react, but he loved them! We found it a little sad that this holiday was Jude's last 'first.' It goes so quickly!

Daniel and I took Jude to visit the NICU where he stayed for almost five weeks. All the nurses remembered him and were so excited to see him. It was so neat to be back there and to look at the isolette where Jude spent his first few weeks of life. We're so blessed that he's so healthy!

We went away to the beach over night with my parents and brothers. It was Jude's very first time at the beach. He enjoyed the sand and he even liked the Gulf! It was amazing to watch him experience it all for the first time. I love it so much!

This month, Jude started crawling and pulling himself up to stand. He's always a little late with his milestones but as a preemie, it's expected. I know he's smart and that he's just growing and learning at his own pace!

We had Jude's 1st birthday party on the 28th. It was a photo theme, (surprise, surprise!) "One Year Old in a Flash." The colors were aqua and red. My mom and I worked really hard to put it together. It was so much fun and I think it came out great! Jude had such a great time, and a lot of people showed. It was so lovely that my grandparents were able to make it. It was the first and last time my grandpa has ever been to my house (We've lived in three different houses since we've been married and my grandpa didn't get around well). I'm so glad he came. So special.

Thanks to my grandparents' generous birthday gift, we were able to finally buy Jude a 'big boy' car seat and get him out of his infant car seat at a year old!

On July 31st, our sweet boy turned one! His first year went so quickly but was beautiful nonetheless. I spent a lot of it feeling extremely happy but reluctant for time to pass and for Jude to grow up. It was a struggle for much of the year, actually.

August

I think this month was the peak of my anxiety issues. I spent so much of the year, since my blood clots the previous August, battling paranoia and fear over my health. Any twinge of anything sent my mind racing, thinking I was forming a clot or even the opposite extreme... that my Coumadin was causing me to bleed internally. It was ridiculous! I felt like a slave to fear and it was no way to live. I hated it so much. I even started getting anxiety attacks at my monthly blood checks (INR). The one this particular month had my pulse at 127 bpm. The nurses didn't understand my anxiety and started throwing around heart conditions. That did NOT help my fear and got me worrying I had heart problems for a while. I seriously contemplated trying to get on medication for my anxiety. I've since calmed down a lot, but if I'm being honest, would probably still benefit from taking something. :/

September

The 1st marked an entire year since Jude graduated from the NICU. Unfortunately, this day, my grandpa was also admitted to the hospital for congestive heart failure. He never came home. On September 6, my Poppop passed away. It was (and still is) a huge devastation to my family. I still can't believe it sometimes. Aside from Avery, he's the first close family member I've lost. I miss him so much. It's not the same without him here.

Daniel left his CNA job to help take care of my grandma.

Jude stood on his own, got his first diaper rash, got his first fever, moved up to a size 4 diaper, and started waving this month.

October

Daniel and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. How has it only been 4 years? I feel like we've lived a lifetime together!

Daniel went back to his old CNA job. He made plans to go back to college and eventually become an RN.

I turned 29! Again, where are these years going??

Jude was Superman (sort of) for Halloween.

November

On the 12th, Jude had a febrile seizure, which was absolutely horrifying. We were visiting Poppop's grave and it just happened. An ambulance came and Jude spent several hours in the ER. He was perfectly fine and bouncing around like normal by the time we left. I was very scarred for a while after that. At Jude's follow up appointment with his doctor, a blood retest was ordered. The results came back elevated in some areas that concerned the doctor. He wanted Jude retested in two weeks to make sure the levels returned to normal. I worried so badly and was extremely fearful for those two weeks. I cried a lot, so afraid something was wrong with my baby boy. It was the longest two weeks of my life. But thank God, after his retest, his results came back perfectly normal. And that changed a lot of things for me. It helped me finally feel content with just one living child. (I'd still change it if I could.) I stopped dreading Jude growing so quickly. It just helped me heal a lot so I could just live in the now and enjoy my little boy without so much reluctance and wishing.

I saw my doctor for the first time in nine or so months (I usually just see nurses at my monthly visits. I only see the doctor once or twice a year now.) Speaking to him eased so many of my fears and he reminded me how safe I am on my blood thinners. I was so grateful to be able to shed so much of that worry I was carrying around for no reason.

Jude started taking steps this month!

We celebrated Jude's 2nd Thanksgiving. He was teething, working on two molars, so he couldn't fully enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. Bummer!

December

It was so much fun seeing Jude enjoy the Christmas season this year. He loved seeing all the Christmas trees at Home Depot (that's where we Florida folk get our trees!) He loved seeing the lights on our house. He loved the lit up Christmas tree with all the pretty ornaments in our house. He loved our nativity scene and always wanted to hold baby Jesus.

My favorite thing during the season was when we took Jude to the zoo to see Santa and all the lights. He loved it so much! I can't wait to go again next year!

Christmas was so special with Jude. He understood a little better this year.

Jude got a little better at learning to walk. He finished out the year with seven being his record number of steps before falling. ;)

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And that was our 2012. More for my documentation than anyone's enjoyment, I'm sure! My little journal to Jude is much more detailed with some tidbits written for just about every single day. I couldn't bear to stop documenting his days when his first year calendar ended in July, so I kept going, writing it down in a journal. I love keeping track of all his amazing sweetness. I'm sure my above recollection of the year is proof of my notorious sentimentality. I have always been this way, but losing a child and only having the chance to enjoy one child makes it even stronger.

2012 was both wonderful and hard. We always struggle with money. We struggle with our absent child. We struggle with peace. We struggle with the new losses we've acquired this year. This year, I believe we healed the most over our personal struggles. I did lose my grandfather, but besides the pain of that, I'm learning to live with the pains I've been dealing with since Avery died. The pains since I found we couldn't have any more babies. I've found so much more peace in my heart, even while acquiring more hurt. It's a different kind of pain, losing a grandparent. It's inevitable. Never easy, never wanted. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him...

But I thank God for the gift of peace this year. I so greatly desire to enjoy my life and the blessings we do have. I want to dwell on the good and not the bad. I don't want to forget Avery (it's not possible), but I want to feel joy over her life, not just the grief over her death. I will always miss her and grieve her, but I can't live in that devastation anymore. I have to piece it back together for Jude. He won't carry that grief. He will know of his sister, but he didn't experience her loss. I need to be the best version of myself for my little boy. I can't very well do that if I'm still broken and still pining for what I've lost, past and future. He is enough and I can't ever let him question it.

I will still have my moments, my days, of when I fall back into those sad thoughts and bitter mindsets. Loss doesn't go away. But I can choose joy. And that's exactly what I'm doing for 2013. I pray it's our best year yet!

Capture Your Grief : Day 20 // Organization

Through my journey to build a family, a few special organizations and charities have become close to my heart.

Oddly enough, about two years before Avery was even born, I came across NILMDTS online and sat and cried at the computer as I looked at the gorgeous photos of these beautiful lost babies. I was amazed that such a thing existed and knew in my heart, as I pained for those parents, that that would be the very worst thing that could ever happen to me. I never dreamed it would actually happen to me. If my life was a movie or a book, I guess stumbling upon their website would have been foreshadowing. What was even more odd, I did not remember that NILMDTS existed when it came time to be the grieving mother. Unfortunately, my hospital did not offer it as an option. I'm not sure if they didn't know about it or if it was somehow up to me to ask for the arrangements. Every time I remember, I am saddened that I was not able to receive their kind services and have professional, beautiful photos of my little girl. It was up to us to capture her details, instead of just spending time with her. Daniel and I traded off with the camera the entire seven hours. We don't even have a family photo together. I regret that very much.

Because of Jude, I support March of Dimes. Preemies are so delicate and start out with so many obstacles to overcome. MOD helps get them there. I don't know if Jude was directly benefited from MOD. I can only assume that the NICU he stayed in receives help from them. Either way, it's a wonderful thing, to march for babies, to save the babies. :)




Molly Bears is a beautiful organization. They make weighted teddy bears for bereaved families. When I got my Avery Bear, it touched my heart so much to feel her weight in my hands once again. It was a special moment and I cherish my beautiful bear so much. I love the work they do, and the love they put into each bear. It's crazy how comforting these bears are!

Happy Birthday, sweet Jude

It's July 31st. I can't believe it.

A whole year has gone by, yet I feel like Jude just came into the world. Right now, last year, I was in the hospital once again, staying overnight for observation after another bout of high blood pressure. My doctor had me admitted, mostly for my own peace of mind, since she knew how fearful I was for Jude's safety.

Before discharging me the morning of the 31st, my doctor ordered an ultrasound, just to be extra thorough. Within minutes, I was told Jude would be coming in an hour because the pressure in the cord was very high and causing him too much stress. It was such a shock at first. At first I felt relieved, like I'd finally be able to breathe for the first time in eight months, knowing that, sadly, he'd be safer outside of my body. But then I was overcome with so much reluctance, holding my belly for the last time and feeling Jude's last kicks while I waited for them to take me away for the emergency c-section. I couldn't shake the notion that my pregnancy was being ripped away from me prematurely, once again.

I was put under for the c-section because I had been on blood thinners. It was too dangerous for a spinal; I could have bled out. So being put under was the only option, which also meant Daniel wasn't allowed in for Jude's birth. I still hate these situations. That neither Daniel nor I were there to see our sweet boy come into the world. Daniel only saw Jude for a few seconds before they whisked him away to the NICU, where he stayed for the next 32 days.

Jude Wesley was born at 12:37pm, at 31 weeks gestation, weighing 3 pounds 1.1 ounces, and was 15.5 inches long. I was told he was very content for such a premature baby. He was born so stressed, but calmed so much after. My body was doing to him exactly what it did to Avery. The placenta was once again failing. My doctor later said Jude probably wouldn't have made it another day. I am so grateful, so thankful that I knew to go to the hospital the previous evening. That I had the intuition that something wasn't right. I thank God for the wisdom of my doctor, who did exactly what was needed before it was too late.

Our families all met Jude within a couple hours after his birth. I was still recuperating from the bleeding issue I had during my surgery. I didn't get to see my little boy at all the day he was born. It's so strange to think about that. He was here but I wasn't with him. Definitely not the typical birth experience. Neither of mine have been, that's for sure. I wish I knew what it was like to carry a baby to term, to go into labor, to give birth to a living baby that I immediately get to hold, and to take that baby home just a day or so later. I'll never know. But I do know the joy of my sweet Jude... and that's definitely enough.

I am so honored to be Jude's mom. He is an amazing baby, such an incredible little person. I can already see his personality and his little heart. He is precious and sweet. He is silly. He is so strong, the first thing he ever was, here in this world, fighting to live. My tiny son is my hero. He is truly a miracle. Truly.

And today, Jude turns 1. It's bittersweet for us. We love our little boy and he just gets bigger and bigger everyday. We miss the tinier days. They get further away with each moment that passes. We embrace these new moments and we love and savor them, but we know we can never go back. We can never share these same sweet stages with any other children. These were the sacred times we lost with our only daughter, and these are the times we cling to with our son. Despite that, today is a victory. Jude is here. He's healthy and alive. He gets to grow up. I just wish he wouldn't do it so quickly!

Jude, Daddy and I are so proud of you. You fill our lives with so much joy. Each day is beautiful just being with you... watching you learn and play, seeing your smile and hearing your laughter. I love you more than life. Happy 1st birthday, sweet sweet boy.

“... and she loved a boy very, very much-- even more than she loved herself.”
― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

NICU visit {7.13.12}

It had been ten months and twelve days since we stepped out of the NICU for the very last time. That last long trip down that endless hall of labor and delivery. Bringing Jude out with us into the light of day for the very first time. And we've meant to go back but time slips away in such an unreal manner lately. I feel like I'm living my life in fast forward. It just goes much too quickly.

On July 13th, Daniel and I finally brought Jude back to the hospital where I had both him and Avery. I wanted to visit my favorite nurse, Daniele, who has always played such a special role in both of my birth stories. She is the one who sat down with Daniel and I and told us that Avery was gone (even though we already knew). She was the one who got me settled in my room to induce to deliver Avery. She shared with us, the story of the sweet baby she lost and we bonded over that. I saw that there could be a light at the end of such a devastating blow. If Daniele was still standing, then I knew one day I would get back on my feet as well. She and I kept in touch over the next year. Then, when I was having issues during my pregnancy with Jude, Daniele was there again. She was the one who told me he would be born early... that he'd be coming "in about an hour." She helped prep me for my emergency c-section. She was there when Jude was born and she was the one who took the first photos of him. Daniele took me to see my sweet boy for the first time. She was there in the coming weeks, when we'd come visit our baby. Daniele made sure to come visit me when I ended up in the hospital with pulmonary embolisms. She took care of me so much. There to comfort me and make me laugh, even in the darkest of times. She is amazing and I am so grateful to know her.

And then it was off to the NICU. It was so odd to walk down that hall again, like we had countless times last summer. The smell, the slight chill in the air, the sounds. All so incredibly familiar. It suddenly didn't feel like it had been so long since we'd last roamed these halls daily, praying for that phase of our lives to end. For this place to no longer be a reluctant second home.

It was so strange, yet so oddly normal picking up that phone and requesting to be let into the NICU. Daniele had told them we were coming to visit, so they let us right in. I can't even describe how it felt to see that long room again, stretched out before us. The soft light, the calm quiet mixed with the sounds of fragile life, the isolettes, the beeping and chiming monitors. It almost felt like we never left. It almost felt like home. So familiar and normal. Yet distant and vague.

The nurses couldn't believe their eyes when they saw Jude. They all made such a fuss over him; how much he's grown and how healthy he looks. He's like a different baby. It was nice to hear that we did such a great job with him, even though all we've done is love him and take care of him.

Sonal, one of our favorite nurses, was there. She was the one who cut Jude's cord when he was born. She took care of him a lot when he was there in the NICU, and we liked her very much.

It was great to see her and a few of the other nurses, and to tell them how Jude is doing, what he likes, and all the amazing things he can do. ;) He's come such a long way. I love how they still cared about him, even after all this time. Nicole, one of the nurses, ran into their break room and grabbed the thank you card and photos I had sent around Christmas time and showed us that they'd been hanging on their bulletin board. It made me so happy to know that he's so special to them, that they never forgot.

The most amazing thing was to visit Jude's little area of the NICU. The back left corner, right by the supply shelf. That's where he spent most of his first 4.5 weeks. To bring him back to that spot, as he is now, as we are now, all this time later. To watch him touch the thick plastic of the isolette from the outside... such a strange feeling. Victorious, maybe.

I still can't believe we have walked this journey. It's astounding to look back at where we've come from and where Jude began. I am eternally grateful that our fragile, tiny baby has grown into this strong, smart, and incredible little boy. 

Right where I am 2012: two years, two months, eighteen days

Angie at Still Life With Circles has once again asked babylost parents to speak about our grief, where we are right now in it. I didn't participate last year, but this time I'm giving it a try.

This time last year, I was about 22 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow baby. I remember seeing Angie's post about Right where I am and thought it was a great idea but I was trying to hold onto my hope instead of focusing on my grief. I was still not guaranteed the life of my unborn son, thus my reason for trying to ignore my negative thoughts. Nonetheless, I was still very anxious, being just three weeks away in my second pregnancy from the week I lost my Avery. And being pregnant again brought me back to what it felt like for Avery to be alive. After a while, all I could remember was her death and her absence. It swallowed up her short life so quickly. Her being alive inside my womb felt more like a dream. Being pregnant with Jude brought it back to me. I could remember again how happiness and life felt.

Now, this year, Jude is ten months old (eight months adjusted). My grief is better in some ways and worse in others. I healed so much in the year after Avery's death and stillbirth. It had taken so long for me to forgive God and not blame Him. It had taken months to recover any semblance of normalcy or to even function without any debilitation. Now, the grief has changed. I have times of bitterness and anger.

When Jude was born nine weeks early (via emergency c-section) so much of my healing wounds were torn open. Jude was supposed to be my Rainbow after the storm, not the calm before another storm. What took Avery nearly took Jude as well (I have blood clotting mutations) and I nearly died of pulmonary embolisms just four weeks after his birth. That and the four and a half long weeks in the NICU were so emotionally taxing.

All of these complications led my doctor to strongly advise that we not have any more children. Since then, I have been mourning the children I always wanted to have, their names already on a list in the back of my journal. All I ever wanted in life was a house full of children. But I have to erase my dreams of them and forget the names I love and will never get to use. Jealousy creeps in when I see siblings together, since Jude's only sibling is dead and we can't give him another. I fear he'll grow up feeling alone. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty.

I wanted so badly for my pregnancy with Jude to be perfect and successful. Since it wasn't, it took the wind right out of my sails and set me back a ways. And it's a different path than I was on before. The old path was raw and new but it held a lot of hope for the future. This new path is so final and dark and I have to fight my way off of it. My faith has been shaken a lot. I struggle in my walk with God. I don't know why He allows these things, and especially to me who deeply desires exactly the opposite. That is a daily struggle for me.

So is the struggle against bitterness. I find it so hard to watch other women have typical pregnancies and births. I feel so cheated of a full-term pregnancy and a normal, exciting delivery. I wasn't even there for Jude's. I had to be put under because of bleeding issues. And with a stillbirth, well, that's just not a normal birth at all, needless to say. So when I hear people cringe and complain over how many hours they were in labor for and how awful it was to push out a living-screaming-breathing- healthy baby that they get to take home in just a couple days, I just want to scream my lungs out. I didn't get any of that. I would give anything for it. Same goes with pregnancy. I am paralyzed with anxiety when I hear some women complain about the discomforts of a healthy pregnancy when I feared death all through mine, while enduring daily injections to keep him alive. That, there, is my bitterness. I desperately want it to fade away. I don't want pregnancy and childbirth to be a sore topic for me. But right now, it is.

I still consider Avery my daughter. When so nosily prodded by strangers in public, I answer that I have two children, and I am never afraid to let them know that one of them is in Heaven. I just cannot deny her existence. Maybe there will come a day down the road when I won't count her to meaningless strangers, but for now, I can't imagine doing so. She is waiting for us in Heaven, after all, and we, and all of those that deny and forget her will see her face to face.

I'm also in a place in my grief where I am angry. I'm angry that my only daughter is not here and that it doesn't appear that many people care. I've been informed of some very ugly comments that have been made in the past by people who've known me my entire life. I am angry that I have to justify how I've gone about my grief (considering my own flesh and blood to be my own flesh and blood) and how I handled the most devastating and horrific situation of my life (that I actually saw and held my daughter when she was born, just like countless other mothers of stillborn babies).  I resent that other people, who have absolutely no idea what it's like think that they have the right to give their opinion. That we should have to abide by their timeline and what they think is "normal" for such a tragic event. It wouldn't hurt them to love and support. If it makes me happy to rightfully consider Avery my daughter, then they should consider her my daughter as well. It wouldn't affect them at all, but it would make my life a lot easier.

People around me actually make my grief worse. Those that don't support me or who have obviously forgotten Avery just make it harder for me to heal. If they would just embrace what's happened to our family, I wouldn't feel so alone. I would feel less empty because Avery would be remembered and I'd feel like she meant something.

On the other hand, I am happier than I have been since Avery was alive. Jude is beautiful, healthy, and smart. He is the joy of my life. He is my love. I cherish him, every little thing about him. I am reluctant to watch him grow so quickly, but I'm so grateful he has the chance to. I practically mourn each piece of clothing he grows out of, as well as each precious stage he surpasses. It seems as though I'm constantly in a happy/sad state. So happy to be sharing these amazing and priceless moments with my sweet boy, but so sad that I'll never experience these moments again, with him or anyone else. I savor each second of his small body in my arms, his chubby cheek resting on my chest, and I thank God he is here. I marvel daily that Jude is mine and that he made it... that he came to stay.

And that is where I am, grasping onto the beauty in this life. I still miss my sweet girl. I'm in awe of my little boy. And oh, how I love them both.

2011 : A Broken Hallelujah

There's really no other way to describe 2011, but with contradicting terms. It was beautiful and horrifying all at the same time. It was full of fear and joy. Life and near-death experiences. Healing and brokenness.

My biggest wish this year was that my baby boy would make it here alive. I prayed incessantly for his safety and health and spent more than half of the year living in fear for him. God answered those prayers, as Jude is here safe and sound, a healthy and strong five month old. I praise God for that. But the way Jude came and the things that transpired since his birth have left me a bit broken. This year, though it brought blessings with it, was also the second hardest year of my life.

When I prayed for Jude to arrive safely, and even when I begged God, with tears streaming down my face, to let me keep him, I never imagined he would arrive the way he did. I didn't think my pregnancy would be taken away from me once again and I'd miss out on the things I'd been dreaming of experiencing. I never thought I'd be the mother of a preemie, watching my miniature baby lay in a plastic box with IVs in his tiny veins, a tube down his throat, leads on his tiny chest, monitors going off. It was hard to see that. He should have been safe and warm and happy in my womb. He already knew so much pain and discomfort. That still makes me sad.

I still can't believe that that wasn't the extent of my trials this year. At the end of August, I nearly died of pulmonary embolisms. Blood clots in my lungs. For many people with PEs, the first symptom is sudden death. I was very very fortunate to have the severe pain that they cause instead, letting me know something was wrong. In many ways, it seems I shouldn't even be here right now. It's amazing, and nothing short of a miracle, that I survived that. Sure, it was the second worst thing that's happened to me, next to the stillbirth of my firstborn, but I'm grateful that it went the way it did. It could have been so much worse. God isn't through with me yet. I know I'm here for a reason. Needless to say, I'm still trying to forget those five days in the hospital, crying every day. I hated being there so much. It was downright horrible. It leaves me with a sick feeling if I spend too much time dwelling on it.

It was kind of a neat thing, though, that Jude and I were discharged from the hospital the very same afternoon. In a way, I think my experience with my clots stole a lot of the joy of going to the NICU for the very last time and taking Jude home. I wonder how it would have been if my spirit hadn't felt so crushed. Regardless, it was the best moment of the entire year. Walking out that door for the last time, finally not empty-handed. Something so many take for granted as something so typical. It was a walk of victory that day. Walking down that hall. Passing the room I delivered Avery in. Walking out with smiles instead of tears and a severed heart. How wonderful the feeling. The answered prayer. We both made it out alive.

It makes me mad that the next couple of weeks were filled with a paranoia and lingering sadness. I was scared to death that I would form more clots and end up back in that horrible hospital (they are worthless unless you're having a baby or have a baby in the NICU). I obsessed over every single sensation in my legs, afraid it could be a clot. I worried something would happen to me and I wouldn't get to see Jude grow up. It was ridiculous. But at the time, I didn't know that I was protected as long as I was on blood thinners (I wasn't told this until my follow up appointment with my doctor).

At this time, my feelings were so contradictory. I was unbelievably thrilled over Jude. But I was also sad I wasn't still pregnant. I felt robbed of a normal birth. I would have even settled for a normal c-section. I was put under, not even there for the monumental birth of my Rainbow Baby. Daniel wasn't even allowed to be there. I still hate that. I didn't want to skip out on anything. I lost enough with Avery.

Also post-NICU, I failed to be able to breastfeed Jude. I took that hard. I had been pumping for the almost five weeks he was in the NICU. He had just begun learning to eat by mouth when I was hospitalized for the clots. That's when they were probably going to let me try to nurse him. But no. I was still trying to pump but it was so hard to stay on my 'every 3 hours' schedule while I was trying to recuperate. Between the emotional stress, the physical stress on my body, and the missed pumpings, my supply took a huge hit. I was barely producing anything anymore. By the time we got Jude home, he was so used to the bottle. He would not even attempt latching, no matter how many times I tried. Finally, I gave in and decided to surrender my wishes once again.

The good thing about not breastfeeding is that I was then able to get off the twice a day Lovenox shots that were continuing to shrink my clots and prevent new ones. I then got on Coumadin, which I am on now. And probably for the rest of my life. This has left me a changed person. For a while, I felt so unhealthy. It took a long time for my lungs to stop hurting and for me to stop feeling so sluggish. It was depressing. I have to make sure I don't cut myself. I can't eat anything with vitamin K or it will counteract the Coumadin (I can eat vitamin K if I were to make sure I ate it every single day in the same amount and my Coumadin dose would have to be regulated according to it. I think it's just easier to omit vitamin K altogether. I don't like the idea of putting something into my system that makes my blood thicker at this point. I'm still too scared). So that means, I can't have lettuce, broccoli, spinach... Things like that. No salad? Well, that's healthy. I have to go to the doctor regularly to get my blood checked (INR) and make sure my blood isn't too thick or too thin. I also CANNOT get pregnant on Coumadin. If I did, I would either have a miscarriage or my baby would very likely have severe birth defects. That's very scary. And of course, I let myself worry about that. (And TMI: because of my clotting mutations and previous clots, I am not allowed to take birth control pills, thus adding to the difficulties.) I really dislike this new aspect to my life. But I just have to remember that I could be dead. And then I think it's pretty pathetic that that's what I can compare my situation to... Being dead.

So, my trials of the year did not end at Jude's 31 week birth or my blood clots. As I've blogged about before, I cannot have anymore babies. This has plagued me for the past few months. It would have been the furthest thought from my mind, having just had a baby. But it's one of the nagging backdrops to my everyday. It affects how I see everything. I see unfit people easily having subsequent pregnancies and I feel jealous. Let's face it. A part of me deflates whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement. I don't want to feel that way. But right now I do.

Right now, I am honestly mourning the babies I thought I would have. I always wanted three or four. And lately I just feel so attached to 'Jonah.' It wasn't even on our name list with either Avery or Jude. But for some reason, I keep seeing it and it's like my ears perk up when I hear it. It's like it's special for some reason and I can't explain it. If I had another boy right now, his name would be Jonah. So in a weird way, I guess I feel like I'm mourning Jonah. Not a real baby. But Jonah represents a baby I imagined I would have. The brother I would love for Jude to grow up with. I could cry, picturing Jude growing up alone. Whenever I see brothers together, even my own, I think of it. Jude and Jonah. (I'm not thrilled about the "J" theme; it's a coincidence, I guess.) I'm really not sure what the significance of my thoughts of Jonah is. I doubt it means a thing. It's probably just my perpetual interest in baby names and my dream of more children manifesting itself into a 'what-could-have-been.' I have a lot of those.

With all of that said, these last five months have been five of the most amazing months I've ever lived. It's all because of this tiny boy that God has entrusted to me. No matter how broken I have felt, Jude has filled my heart with a joy that cannot be explained. He is everything I dreamed he would be. His presence is just as beautiful and fulfilling as I imagined. Being a mother to a living child is the single greatest thing in this entire world and the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. I LOVE IT. There is nothing about it that I do not like. There is nothing I could complain about. I savor every single bit of it. I always knew what I lost with Avery, but it's all been confirmed in mothering Jude. I don't take any of it for granted. I know I was made for this. My body may not have been. But I know in my heart that this is my greatest accomplishment. Thank You, God.

I know I did a lot of complaining and painted a negative picture about 2011. But to be honest, I actually have begun to feel myself beginning to heal in just the last couple of weeks. I think I have started 2012 with a lighter heart. Just recently, I have started feeling more myself as far as my health goes. My doctor switched my blood checks to once a month so I feel like less of my time is occupied with my clotting issue. I don't feel any more pains in my chest and I've gotten my energy back. That makes a huge difference! It's difficult feeling like you're sick all the time. It's so easy to take your health for granted.

God has also been healing my heart a bit over the loss of my dreams for more children. It's not quite the forefront of my thoughts any longer. It doesn't battle against my joy for Jude. Maybe I'm beginning to get used to it as my reality. Maybe I'm beginning to accept it. I do know one thing... Jude is definitely enough. He is amazing enough to be all I need. He makes me so happy. It feels so good to feel true joy again.

While listening to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" a few days ago, the line it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah stood out to me. That is really how I see the state of my life right now. I have lost so much but I have gained so much. I feel so broken down but so blessed. My heart will always be broken over Avery and the things I can't change for the future, but Jude calls for a Hallelujah. I will forever praise God for the gift of my sweet boy.

I'm praying 2012 is the most boring and normal year ever!

Tonight we'll stand, get off our knees, fight for what we've worked for all these years. The battle was long, it's the fight of our lives, but we'll stand up champions tonight.

It was the night things changed. Can you see it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down. It's a revolution. Throw your hands up 'cause we never gave in.

And we'll sing Hallelujah!

We sang Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

- Taylor Swift

Jude, the NICU graduate

Thursday, September 1st was a beautiful day. It was the day that Jude finally got discharged from the NICU. This post is dedicated to the monumental day that Jude came home to us.

I couldn't believe we were heading into the NICU for the last time. We'd come and gone so many times for the last four weeks, it seemed strange to think life wouldn't always be that way. It was so sudden that Jude was ready to come home, kind of like a surprise that snuck up on us.

It was around 2:00 pm that day, coming in and seeing Jude all dressed up in his special 'going home' outfit. I never thought I'd ever be able to purchase the oh-so-tiny preemie outfits I always used to see at the store. We would laugh because they were so tiny and so cute, and we couldn't imagine a baby so small. But now we have one. And his little brown and gray striped cardigan and brown pants with a monkey face on the butt looked just as precious on him as I'd imagined. It was all the more amazing to be handed my son because, for the first time, he had no wires or tubes attached to him. He was just a normal baby, finally.

I signed all of Jude's discharge papers while we waited for the hospital photographer to come and take some pictures of Jude before we left. As I signed them and his nurse explained things to me, I couldn't believe this day had finally arrived.

The photographer finally came in and Jude was not a happy camper. He cried for almost the entire shoot. We figured out at the end that it was because he was cold. Aw, poor baby. He wasn't used to being unswaddled like that. But even still, his photos were adorable. And $67 later, we were ready to leave.

It was so amazing to strap Jude into his car seat (which he was so tiny in) and say our goodbyes to the nurses who had taken such good care of our boy. To walk out the door of the NICU with Jude instead of saying bye to him and leaving him behind. It was Heaven...

Just four weeks and four days prior, we had left the hospital empty-handed for the second time. The second time definitely did not compare to the first, but it was still hard for us after everything we had been through. When Avery died, I despised walking down the OB hall and walking out the door without my baby. It was so devastating and horrible. So much agony. Leaving without her, knowing she was gone forever. Having a baby and leaving with nothing. It's almost insulting. This time, was finally different. On this day, September the 1st, we got to walk down that hall on cloud nine... and we got to exit those doors with our precious baby in tow.

It felt surreal to bring Jude outside, his first time seeing the light of day in all his 32 days, and putting him in our little family SUV. Finally, a car seat in our Santa Fe. I sat in the back seat with him on the five minute ride home, just staring at Jude in disbelief that this NICU journey was actually over.

In all the weeks Jude was in the hospital, all I could picture was the day we'd bring him home. I played out the moment in my mind, us walking through the front door of our little house with him. The moment he'd cross the threshold. Finally home. It was just as great as I'd imagined.

It took us so long to get here, in so many ways. 

Welcome home, sweet boy.

Jude's NICU journey

Jude was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for a total of four weeks and four days. The first month of his life was spent in a hospital, instead of his home. Several of his firsts were shared by nurses instead of us. It was a long and difficult journey, but one that we'll never forget. It had it's hard moments and it's sweet moments. We made so many precious memories with our preemie son there... ones we wouldn't trade for anything. So here it is, Jude's first month of life, in photos:

Jude on his first day, July 31st, after he got settled in the NICU. He only needed oxygen (just 35%) for about a day.

Day 2: All settled into the isolette and no longer on oxygen.

Look how skinny he is. His hiccups looked so violent. :(

The tube down his throat was to drain any excess fluids in his belly. At this point, he was getting nutrients via IV. I hated this tube because he would repeatedly gag on it and it was scary.

The famous monitor. It was so easy to obsess over Jude's stats and worry if they were too high or too low. The top number is his heart rate, the middle his oxygen saturation, and the bottom his respirations.

Just a few days old, Jude was treated with light therapy for jaundice.

The next day, he had a new, better light for his therapy.

Jude's temperature had to be taken every 3 hours to see if he was learning to regulate his body temp.

A feeding tube was put into his nose, taking place of the one down his throat. This is when his tube feedings began. I was then able to pump so he could have breast milk. The velcro on his head is for the little light therapy shades.

Daniel doing kangaroo care with Jude. It's skin to skin contact, with the baby down your shirt, just like a kangaroo. We loved doing this.

Feeling Jude's warmth and closeness was so special.

Our little boy all stretched out in his isolette.

Holding him was always the best thing, though all the wires made it difficult.

Jude graduated to real diapers, in preemie size.

So beautiful. Look how big a small round band-aid looks on his hand.

One of my favorites.

Jude was finally allowed to get dressed! What a surprise to come in and see that day!

Jude wearing one of his own outfits for the first time, and I got to dress him.

So small even in a preemie size.

I just love his little legs in this photo.

One of his first times using a pacifier. We couldn't get over how big this preemie sized one was compared to his face!

Jude's cord stump fell off!

Feeding him his first ever bottle.

Learning to eat by mouth was one of his biggest goals so he could go home. He was a very sloppy eater.

Tube feedings in between his bottle feedings.

Jude in his new bed for the first time!

So tiny in Daddy's arms.

One of my favorites. Starting to get some chubbiness on those cheeks!

Since his first week, Jude smiles in his sleep like crazy.

We love his silly faces.

His nurse one night changed his feeding tube while we were there so we could see him without it for the first time since he was a couple days old.

Working on his eating!

Finally, his tube is out for good and all feedings are by mouth! (8.29)

On 8.28, I was admitted to the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. I was finally able to visit Jude on my second night. It was an awful experience, nearly ruining the joy of Jude's pending discharge. :/

Jude's last photo as a patient of the NICU. (8.30)

And here he is... all dressed and ready to go home! (9.1)

Jude's stay was long and emotional. It's so hard to leave your baby somewhere for strangers to take care of. To not bring them home and cuddle them like you want to. To not be the one in charge of your baby... Some nights, we would leave the NICU really late and I would just cry kissing him goodnight. I ached for the long nights of feedings and having him in our home to care for and love on at last.

Though those four weeks were difficult for us, we are very blessed. Jude did well and only improved the entire time. We didn't have a lot of reasons to worry. So many NICU experiences are not this way. Sometimes it's a back and forth journey where the baby is worse some days. Jude never did that. He only thrived and got better. We were also blessed that his stay was shorter than it could have been. We were originally told 4-6 weeks and he was only there for four weeks and four days. He was released a whole month before his due date. Home before he was even supposed to be born. My heart goes out to the families whose babies had to fight for their lives and struggle, and especially the ones who didn't get to come home. As hard as this was for us, we know it could have been so much worse.

This was an experience we'll never forget along with wonderful nurses we'll never forget. Thank You, God, for bringing Jude home safely. That's everything we prayed for.