Jude's 2 Year Photos {by Mommy}

I purchased a cardboard block letter from Hobby Lobby a couple of weeks ago and painted it red for a little outdoor photo session with Jude on Friday evening. It was terribly hot, Jude wanted to run around and play instead of pose, and he didn't care much for the boring photo prop, but I am definitely satisfied with the shots that I did get of him. It was nearly "golden hour," my favorite time of the day, and my boy was oh so handsome. While I was following him around, snapping away, he randomly gave me a flower for the very first time. This mama's heart was overjoyed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, my beautiful boy.

Avery's 3rd Birthday

{To read Avery's birth story, written on her first birthday, please click here.}

I am sure I've already said it but I still can't believe it's been three years since Avery came silently into this world. It sounds so much longer ago than it feels.

Avery's day this year was gentler at first than I expected. Daniel, Jude, and I went out for the day. We stopped at Old Navy to buy Jude a shirt for St. Patrick's Day this weekend. Daniel and I can never help browsing over the girls' clothes, and today was no exception. I mentally pick out outfits I wish I could buy for Avery... ones that could hang in her closet... ones I would love to wash a fold... ones I'd give anything to watch her run and play in.

We settled on a green polo for Jude, since the boys' section is almost always lacking the same kind of cuteness as the girls' clothes. From there, we had lunch together at Texas Roadhouse. It's always strange going out on this day... We're not celebrating something... not quite. But in my family, we always go out for dinner on our birthdays and I guess I don't want Avery's to be an exception.

When I'm out in public on this day, I can't help but think about how isolated I feel, watching strangers around me. They have no idea that this day is the day I gave birth to my dead daughter. As the host asked me how I was, and I generically answered, "Fine, how are you?" he had no clue what today actually was for me and how I actually am. When the waitress thanked us at the end of our meal and told us to have a great night, she had no idea we'd be spending the evening in a cemetery, releasing balloons for our absent baby girl. I know everyone has their own story and their own trials and pains, but so often, I feel so alone. I feel like there aren't many people like me around here, in my day to day life.

After we ate, we stopped at Michael's to buy Avery some decorations for her stone. Jude was getting bored so Daniel took him outside. I browsed the aisle's on my own, picking out a few Easter decorations for next week. I remembered to check out the yard decor section. As I looked through, finding a pretty white ceramic bird on clearance, I thought about how pathetic it was that I was shopping for my daughter's birthday presents in the garden section... that essentially, we get to buy her lawn ornaments. It's an empty feeling, really. But it's all we have. It's the only way we can take care of her and treat her.

Next came Publix, the grocery store, for balloons, fresh flowers, and a small cake. This part always stresses me out. I don't like being asked whose birthday it is. I don't like having to feel the awkwardness that ensues when I answer honestly that the balloons are for a release for our daughter. I am aware that I don't have to disclose anything about the function, but in past times when I have tried to be vague, it has backfired and turned out worse than just telling the basic truth. Thankfully, the woman who filled the balloons, the woman at the bakery, and the cashier didn't pry. Jude even got his own little balloon to keep him busy while we waited for the 13 we needed. It was his first balloon and we had to tie it to his belt loop.

My family and Daniel's met at the cemetery at 7:00 pm. My cousin, Rachel, came this year, which I loved. She and I have grown extra close in the past year. I'm almost 12 years older than her, but as she's growing up, she's quickly becoming a close friend. Even though she's only 17, and not even a mother, she somehow has this compassion and understanding for the life I live. She's very sensitive to it and she loves Avery as if she knew her inside and out. Not many people care the way she does and I cherish that.

We each wrote a message for Avery on our balloons. Jude wanted to explore so it was a bit more difficult this year, but we managed. I'm usually surprisingly affected by releasing the balloons to Heaven but I was too distracted this time. I guess that makes it easier. We decorated Avery's spot with some pink roses, a tiara, a bird statue, a new pinwheel, and a pink stuffed bunny. I think it looked very sweet, though of course not as sweet as she would have looked if she was here to enjoy her birthday.

 

We take a family photo each year in front of Avery's plot. This year, it didn't turn out so well. Jude had no interest in posing. It was windy and chilly and getting dark. And we just weren't in the genuine smile mood. I guess this photo shows our mood quite well. But it's real. And I like that.

My dad took us out for pizza afterwards and that was nice. No matter how "well" the day goes, it's still not what I wish it was. It's never going to be what it's supposed to be. That's the problem. March 13th should mean nothing to us. Avery was supposed to be born at the end of June. She was supposed to be my summer baby. But instead, we're stuck with the "should have beens" and "what ifs" and Sharpie scrawled balloons in a cold cemetery at dusk to "celebrate" her birthday. I can't get over how ugly that is. I can't get over how scarring and wrong it is to survive her.

So each year, and every day in between, we remember her. We honor our daughter because that's all we can do. We are left with almost nothing. We cling to all the pieces we can. Keeping her alive through these special dates, remembering the short time she was here, beneath my heart, is the least we can do for the little girl who changed our world. She made me a mother, made Daniel a father. She waits for us in Heaven. We will hold her again. So I won't forget her. I won't stop loving her and missing her. She is mine.

Happy birthday, sweet Avery... As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Day 8: Tribute

In the early days, reaching out to other mothers like myself was very comforting. There was something therapeutic in having someone who understood the pain. Through our blogs and then later Facebook, we banded together and tried to help each other somehow feel better. We did whatever we could to remind each other that our babies are important to this world, no matter how long they lived, whether they took a breath on this Earth or not. We all needed that so terribly.

One of the biggest ways we honored each other's children was writing their names and taking a photo. One day, while at the beach, I wrote as many names in the sand that I could think of and took photos. I posted them on Facebook, tagging the mothers of those sweet babies. They loved it. And I loved making them happy, if just for a moment. The photos that I have received have been such a blessing to me. I've printed them and added them to Avery's much too short photo album. The fact that someone who doesn't even know me in real life thought of my precious daughter and took the time to write her name and photograph it has such an impact.

I've asked my followers on Instagram if they would do the same in honor of Avery's 3rd birthday. As these years pass, it's easy to feel like people forget. The pain of Avery's absence is still so present for us. It's not ever going to go away. So I felt like I needed a boost. Some proof that people do care about her. A sweet gesture that can bring some comfort on these hard days, that each year, take me further and further away from her.

I thought I would ask here on my blog as well, if anyone reading is interested in contributing a photo with Avery's name, I'd love to post it here in a few days along with the Instagram submissions. They can be as simple or creative as you want. No pressure! ;) They can be emailed to nicolefeller@gmail.com (or posted on Instagram under the hashtag #myaverynicole). Thanks!

Thank you, CarlyMarie, Kristin, & Kalialani

Day 6: One More Week

It occurred to me today that there is only one week until Avery's third birthday. Wow, that came up quickly. I am always amazed how quickly time goes. As the years go on, I think time moves even faster. Yet, some moments stay frozen in time or seem to last forever. Those moments we endured three years ago next week. Those days lasted for weeks. How quickly those days pass now. They'll never be normal dates anymore. Always significant. Marred by agony and graced by her.

We haven't yet decided how we will spend her day. We only know that it won't be the day we wish it could be.

March is Here

I've come to sort of dread March. It's unfortunate because it kicks off with my youngest brother's birthday, followed by my other younger brother's birthday three days later, and then it ends with my mother's birthday. So many celebrations speckle the calendar, strewn amongst the jagged pain that is March. The joys and the sorrows interwoven in these weeks. Making new memories each March as my loved ones get another year older, and reliving old, gut-wrenching memories of a birth day
that was anything but joyful. In twelve days, Avery will be three. But not really.

I was thinking about possibly writing a post each day, through Avery's birthday. Just random thoughts and/or memories about her, leading up to her day. There isn't much else I can do to make these days count. I can't be with her, can't celebrate with her, can't marvel over how much she's grown. All I have is what I remember, what I captured on camera, in words. The sacred remnants I held onto, that still sit in a box on my dresser. She matters too much to do nothing about. To forget her is to lose her in a way that would sting as badly as her death. I cannot deny my child. She lived and she was born. I have to honor her. She made me a mother. She is a soul in Heaven, basking in the Glory of God, waiting for me until I join her. You better believe she still matters.

It's so strange how the anniversary of an event can break open the flood gates. How it can bring back all of the emotions of those exact days in years past. I guess it sort of pulls off the band-aid, tearing at the scab that never quite seems to heal. Maybe one day it will finally become a scar... but even scars never go away.

2012 : Finding peace

We started out the year hopeful that it would finally be a calm and normal one. We craved an eventless year. Needless to say, 2010 ravaged and destroyed us to the core. 2011 was definitely better, but still pulled the rug out from under our feet and knocked the wind out of us. 2012 was both good and bad. Joyful and agonizing. That's life, though, isn't it? The bitter sweetness. The constant conflict of happy and sad.

January

Jude turned a whole six months old this month. Four months adjusted, sweet thing. My biggest memory from this month is when Jude had solid food for the very first time. Homemade banana purée. I was excited to see him try something new but so sad watching my baby grow up so quickly.

This month my grandpa celebrated his 80th birthday. (We didn't know it was his last.)

February

This month was tragic. I never blogged about what happened. I meant to but it just seemed at the time that there was no way to put it into words. Our family's pastor and dear family friend lost his 20 year old daughter, Hannah. A gun went off by accident, striking her in the head. She was in a coma for several days. Despite incessant prayers from literally around the world, beautiful Hannah, who we watched grow up, went to be with Jesus. It really shook my faith. I couldn't understand why God didn't save her. I couldn't believe He could allow that to happen to her precious family. Hannah was so young, so innocent. I still think about her all the time. I still ache for her parents and her little sister.

I've since stopped being angry at God for taking Hannah, just like I eventually had to stop blaming Him for Avery's death. I don't believe God does these awful things to us. No doubt, He is aware they will happen beforehand. But no one is exempt from the perils of this fallen world. God knew Hannah would die. He didn't like it. But He will make sure her legacy changes the world. He'll make sure her death was not in vain. He'll make sure souls are saved and hearts and lives are changed because of her. He'll use tragedy to bring about victory. In one way or another, He will and He has.

Also in February, my parents took my family and my brothers away to Tennessee, as they'd been planning for weeks. It was exciting to go away and get a break from everyday life. To take Jude somewhere fun and make some memories with him. At just 6.5 months old, Jude saw snow fall. It took me 28 years to see it!! It was definitely a sight for us Florida folk. We enjoyed our time there as a little family.

March

We celebrated (if you can call it that?) Avery's 2nd birthday in Heaven on the 13th. We released balloons at the cemetery and decorated her grave just like last year. It was surreal and bittersweet to have Jude there for it. For Avery's first birthday, I was 11 weeks pregnant with him, so unsure of whether he would make it here alive. But Jude was able to release a balloon for his big sister this time. I'm sure he had no idea he let go of the string, much less that he was even holding it, but it was still a touching sight for me.

In March, Jude also got his first two teeth and tried a sippy cup for the first time. ;)

April

Jude was sick for the very first time. He was put on nebulizer treatments but was better so quickly. It took him 9 whole months to catch anything! That's pretty good, I think. We're still weird (or just paranoid preemie parents?) and sanitize everything out in public, like restaurant tables and high chairs, shopping carts, etc. I guess it's paid off!

I stopped using Facebook. Yup. Life is so much better. My anxiety, sadly, just cannot take it.

This month, Jude also fell in love with swimming in the pool, usually with my dad. I loved watching him splash and enjoy the water.

April 14th marked six years since Daniel and I started dating. ;)

May

Daniel turned 25.

My grandparents celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary.

Jude had a follow up eye appointment (last one was when he was 5 weeks old). He was perfect, even when they put drops in to dilate his eyes! His eyes were still perfectly healthy. (The reason for his eye appointments was because preemies can suffer eyesight damage from receiving oxygen.)

June

June 1st marked TEN years since I graduated high school Yikes!! Where has the time gone?!

Daniel and I had the honor of photographing my cousin, Jason's wedding. I was very happy with how the photos turned out. It was a lovely day!

We experienced our first ever tornado while at my parents' house one weekend. We all actually had to cram into the bathroom to take cover. It was so loud but was over so quickly. The damage was pretty bad. Trees broken, screen, ripped, roof damaged, glass broken, cars dented... It was crazy!

Avery would have been two at the end of this month had she not passed away. I'll always think of that as my would-be due date of June 22nd comes and goes.

June 30th marked five years since Daniel and I got engaged. ;)

July

Jude experienced his first 4th of July and saw fireworks. We weren't sure how he'd react, but he loved them! We found it a little sad that this holiday was Jude's last 'first.' It goes so quickly!

Daniel and I took Jude to visit the NICU where he stayed for almost five weeks. All the nurses remembered him and were so excited to see him. It was so neat to be back there and to look at the isolette where Jude spent his first few weeks of life. We're so blessed that he's so healthy!

We went away to the beach over night with my parents and brothers. It was Jude's very first time at the beach. He enjoyed the sand and he even liked the Gulf! It was amazing to watch him experience it all for the first time. I love it so much!

This month, Jude started crawling and pulling himself up to stand. He's always a little late with his milestones but as a preemie, it's expected. I know he's smart and that he's just growing and learning at his own pace!

We had Jude's 1st birthday party on the 28th. It was a photo theme, (surprise, surprise!) "One Year Old in a Flash." The colors were aqua and red. My mom and I worked really hard to put it together. It was so much fun and I think it came out great! Jude had such a great time, and a lot of people showed. It was so lovely that my grandparents were able to make it. It was the first and last time my grandpa has ever been to my house (We've lived in three different houses since we've been married and my grandpa didn't get around well). I'm so glad he came. So special.

Thanks to my grandparents' generous birthday gift, we were able to finally buy Jude a 'big boy' car seat and get him out of his infant car seat at a year old!

On July 31st, our sweet boy turned one! His first year went so quickly but was beautiful nonetheless. I spent a lot of it feeling extremely happy but reluctant for time to pass and for Jude to grow up. It was a struggle for much of the year, actually.

August

I think this month was the peak of my anxiety issues. I spent so much of the year, since my blood clots the previous August, battling paranoia and fear over my health. Any twinge of anything sent my mind racing, thinking I was forming a clot or even the opposite extreme... that my Coumadin was causing me to bleed internally. It was ridiculous! I felt like a slave to fear and it was no way to live. I hated it so much. I even started getting anxiety attacks at my monthly blood checks (INR). The one this particular month had my pulse at 127 bpm. The nurses didn't understand my anxiety and started throwing around heart conditions. That did NOT help my fear and got me worrying I had heart problems for a while. I seriously contemplated trying to get on medication for my anxiety. I've since calmed down a lot, but if I'm being honest, would probably still benefit from taking something. :/

September

The 1st marked an entire year since Jude graduated from the NICU. Unfortunately, this day, my grandpa was also admitted to the hospital for congestive heart failure. He never came home. On September 6, my Poppop passed away. It was (and still is) a huge devastation to my family. I still can't believe it sometimes. Aside from Avery, he's the first close family member I've lost. I miss him so much. It's not the same without him here.

Daniel left his CNA job to help take care of my grandma.

Jude stood on his own, got his first diaper rash, got his first fever, moved up to a size 4 diaper, and started waving this month.

October

Daniel and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. How has it only been 4 years? I feel like we've lived a lifetime together!

Daniel went back to his old CNA job. He made plans to go back to college and eventually become an RN.

I turned 29! Again, where are these years going??

Jude was Superman (sort of) for Halloween.

November

On the 12th, Jude had a febrile seizure, which was absolutely horrifying. We were visiting Poppop's grave and it just happened. An ambulance came and Jude spent several hours in the ER. He was perfectly fine and bouncing around like normal by the time we left. I was very scarred for a while after that. At Jude's follow up appointment with his doctor, a blood retest was ordered. The results came back elevated in some areas that concerned the doctor. He wanted Jude retested in two weeks to make sure the levels returned to normal. I worried so badly and was extremely fearful for those two weeks. I cried a lot, so afraid something was wrong with my baby boy. It was the longest two weeks of my life. But thank God, after his retest, his results came back perfectly normal. And that changed a lot of things for me. It helped me finally feel content with just one living child. (I'd still change it if I could.) I stopped dreading Jude growing so quickly. It just helped me heal a lot so I could just live in the now and enjoy my little boy without so much reluctance and wishing.

I saw my doctor for the first time in nine or so months (I usually just see nurses at my monthly visits. I only see the doctor once or twice a year now.) Speaking to him eased so many of my fears and he reminded me how safe I am on my blood thinners. I was so grateful to be able to shed so much of that worry I was carrying around for no reason.

Jude started taking steps this month!

We celebrated Jude's 2nd Thanksgiving. He was teething, working on two molars, so he couldn't fully enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. Bummer!

December

It was so much fun seeing Jude enjoy the Christmas season this year. He loved seeing all the Christmas trees at Home Depot (that's where we Florida folk get our trees!) He loved seeing the lights on our house. He loved the lit up Christmas tree with all the pretty ornaments in our house. He loved our nativity scene and always wanted to hold baby Jesus.

My favorite thing during the season was when we took Jude to the zoo to see Santa and all the lights. He loved it so much! I can't wait to go again next year!

Christmas was so special with Jude. He understood a little better this year.

Jude got a little better at learning to walk. He finished out the year with seven being his record number of steps before falling. ;)

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And that was our 2012. More for my documentation than anyone's enjoyment, I'm sure! My little journal to Jude is much more detailed with some tidbits written for just about every single day. I couldn't bear to stop documenting his days when his first year calendar ended in July, so I kept going, writing it down in a journal. I love keeping track of all his amazing sweetness. I'm sure my above recollection of the year is proof of my notorious sentimentality. I have always been this way, but losing a child and only having the chance to enjoy one child makes it even stronger.

2012 was both wonderful and hard. We always struggle with money. We struggle with our absent child. We struggle with peace. We struggle with the new losses we've acquired this year. This year, I believe we healed the most over our personal struggles. I did lose my grandfather, but besides the pain of that, I'm learning to live with the pains I've been dealing with since Avery died. The pains since I found we couldn't have any more babies. I've found so much more peace in my heart, even while acquiring more hurt. It's a different kind of pain, losing a grandparent. It's inevitable. Never easy, never wanted. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him...

But I thank God for the gift of peace this year. I so greatly desire to enjoy my life and the blessings we do have. I want to dwell on the good and not the bad. I don't want to forget Avery (it's not possible), but I want to feel joy over her life, not just the grief over her death. I will always miss her and grieve her, but I can't live in that devastation anymore. I have to piece it back together for Jude. He won't carry that grief. He will know of his sister, but he didn't experience her loss. I need to be the best version of myself for my little boy. I can't very well do that if I'm still broken and still pining for what I've lost, past and future. He is enough and I can't ever let him question it.

I will still have my moments, my days, of when I fall back into those sad thoughts and bitter mindsets. Loss doesn't go away. But I can choose joy. And that's exactly what I'm doing for 2013. I pray it's our best year yet!

The last year of my twenties

I turned 29 today.

I don't believe 29 is old. That's not the shock. The shock is that I'm here already, with just one year left of my twenties. How did time go that quickly? Where did all those years go? Every year goes by quicker than the one before. As we get older, birthdays lose that touch of magic. But even so, I still enjoy being special for the day. I don't think anyone outgrows that.

Daniel and I picked up some lunch and took Jude to the park. This was his second time ever at the park. But this was his first time to go on the swings. He loved it! He would just laugh and laugh as we pushed him. Watching him experience that joy and hearing his sweet laughter was the best gift I could ever receive on my birthday.

We went to Chilis for dinner with my parents and my brothers. Jude drank from a straw for the first time! He's learning so much so quickly. He's so smart. I loved that he had a few firsts on my birthday. It made it even more special.

 

Yes, I love my new iPad (thanks, Mom and Dad!!!) but the real gift is my family. My sweet, loving husband, my amazing miracle son, my supportive, wonderful parents, my awesome brothers who are more like friends... I've lost a lot but I also have a lot. I nearly lost my life twice last summer, and I've lived to see two more birthdays since. God takes care of us. His hand is on our life. It's easy to focus on what we lack and what we long for, but I never want to forget the blessings that grace us.

 



Capture Your Grief : Day 17 // Birthday

Avery has already had two birthdays. Not the kind of birthdays filled with smiles and laughter, cake and ice cream, presents and games. Guests and decorations. Her birthdays have been spent at the cemetery where her shell rests. Both years, we have decorated her spot, covering her stone in little trinkets and tokens of our love for her. Fresh, pretty flowers. A birthday balloon.

On her first birthday, we released seven balloons, one for each hour we spent with her in the hospital room after she was born. On her second birthday, we got one balloon for each person in attendance (my family and Daniel's) and we all wrote a message to Avery on our balloons. Obviously, it was done for us and not for her. But it's comforting to pretend that she could receive the words we so lovingly scrawled. Jude was there for his sister's second birthday, which was bittersweet. He even released a balloon for her. One day he will understand what this all is. And he will know he has a sister in Heaven, a sister who saved his life and taught us how to help him survive.

Capture Your Grief : Day 16 // Release

Today's topic is release, relating to balloon, butterfly, or lantern releases in memory of our babies. Yesterday, I considered going out and purchasing a few balloons to release for Avery, so I would have a relevant photo and story for today's post. But when I woke up this morning, my throat so raw I could barely speak, my day was instead spent on the couch, all thoughts of balloon purchases gone out the window.

However, we have released balloons for Avery before. This kind of steals from tomorrow's post, but it's okay. It's odd how emotional it is to release balloons into the sky in someone's memory. I don't think I ever gave it much thought until I did it on her first birthday last year. There's more significance and meaning attached than one could realize. An emotional release more than just a physical one.

I remember last March, in the cemetery, 11 weeks pregnant with Jude, holding tightly the clusters of balloons in my hand. I was so reluctant to let go. I'm not even sure what the correlation of that emotion is. And when I finally did, I choked back tears. A few tears escaped as we all watched the seven balloons -- one for each hour we spent with Avery -- drift off toward Heaven. Maybe it's the act itself in place of a real birthday that evokes such a stir. Maybe it's the fabricated notion that the balloons will reach her at her Heavenly party so she would know we were remembering her special day.

Happy Birthday, sweet Jude

It's July 31st. I can't believe it.

A whole year has gone by, yet I feel like Jude just came into the world. Right now, last year, I was in the hospital once again, staying overnight for observation after another bout of high blood pressure. My doctor had me admitted, mostly for my own peace of mind, since she knew how fearful I was for Jude's safety.

Before discharging me the morning of the 31st, my doctor ordered an ultrasound, just to be extra thorough. Within minutes, I was told Jude would be coming in an hour because the pressure in the cord was very high and causing him too much stress. It was such a shock at first. At first I felt relieved, like I'd finally be able to breathe for the first time in eight months, knowing that, sadly, he'd be safer outside of my body. But then I was overcome with so much reluctance, holding my belly for the last time and feeling Jude's last kicks while I waited for them to take me away for the emergency c-section. I couldn't shake the notion that my pregnancy was being ripped away from me prematurely, once again.

I was put under for the c-section because I had been on blood thinners. It was too dangerous for a spinal; I could have bled out. So being put under was the only option, which also meant Daniel wasn't allowed in for Jude's birth. I still hate these situations. That neither Daniel nor I were there to see our sweet boy come into the world. Daniel only saw Jude for a few seconds before they whisked him away to the NICU, where he stayed for the next 32 days.

Jude Wesley was born at 12:37pm, at 31 weeks gestation, weighing 3 pounds 1.1 ounces, and was 15.5 inches long. I was told he was very content for such a premature baby. He was born so stressed, but calmed so much after. My body was doing to him exactly what it did to Avery. The placenta was once again failing. My doctor later said Jude probably wouldn't have made it another day. I am so grateful, so thankful that I knew to go to the hospital the previous evening. That I had the intuition that something wasn't right. I thank God for the wisdom of my doctor, who did exactly what was needed before it was too late.

Our families all met Jude within a couple hours after his birth. I was still recuperating from the bleeding issue I had during my surgery. I didn't get to see my little boy at all the day he was born. It's so strange to think about that. He was here but I wasn't with him. Definitely not the typical birth experience. Neither of mine have been, that's for sure. I wish I knew what it was like to carry a baby to term, to go into labor, to give birth to a living baby that I immediately get to hold, and to take that baby home just a day or so later. I'll never know. But I do know the joy of my sweet Jude... and that's definitely enough.

I am so honored to be Jude's mom. He is an amazing baby, such an incredible little person. I can already see his personality and his little heart. He is precious and sweet. He is silly. He is so strong, the first thing he ever was, here in this world, fighting to live. My tiny son is my hero. He is truly a miracle. Truly.

And today, Jude turns 1. It's bittersweet for us. We love our little boy and he just gets bigger and bigger everyday. We miss the tinier days. They get further away with each moment that passes. We embrace these new moments and we love and savor them, but we know we can never go back. We can never share these same sweet stages with any other children. These were the sacred times we lost with our only daughter, and these are the times we cling to with our son. Despite that, today is a victory. Jude is here. He's healthy and alive. He gets to grow up. I just wish he wouldn't do it so quickly!

Jude, Daddy and I are so proud of you. You fill our lives with so much joy. Each day is beautiful just being with you... watching you learn and play, seeing your smile and hearing your laughter. I love you more than life. Happy 1st birthday, sweet sweet boy.

“... and she loved a boy very, very much-- even more than she loved herself.”
― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Jude's 1st birthday party in pictures {7.28.12}