Capture Your Grief : Day 10 // Symbol

There is one special symbol that has always reminded me of Avery. That is the butterfly. I have come to find that it's a very popular symbol among the babyloss community. It signifies transformation and flight. Delicate beauty. While these things apply to Avery, they're not the initial reason that butterflies are significant to me when it comes to my daughter.

This light green piece of paper with a pretty black butterfly printed on it was taped to the door of my hospital room while I was in labor with Avery. They do that to signify a loss so all the nurses taking care of that patient are awake of the situation before they even walk into the room. I appreciated that there was never a need for a nurse to pop in all cheery and excited and for me to explain the horrific reality to her. They all just knew to enter the room with extra tenderness. Nurses that weren't even assigned to my room would come in and share their grief with me, telling me of when the same thing happened to them. It helped so much to know that I wasn't alone so early on. I guess this butterfly invited those women to share their hearts with me and show me it was possible to heal one day.

I'm not even sure how or why I thought to have Daniel grab the butterfly off the door before we left the hospital. For all I know, it could have been Daniel's idea. I had barely known it was there. But for some reason, it seemed significant. And I was still grasping for any shred of evidence that the day happened. That my daughter came into the world. Since I couldn't take her with me, I guess I needed every possible souvenir or memento I could find.

When it came time to choose the design on Avery's stone, all we knew was that we wanted butterflies. There was a definite lack of choices for children's stones, so if I'd had more time or more of a selection, I would have chosen something different overall. But I do not regret the butterflies. They are still something that always make me think of my girl.