Our Hospital Experience

The past two days have been a little crazy. I spent last night in labor and delivery at the hospital. It all started early yesterday morning (Sunday, July 24th). I felt very uncomfortable, in my upper abdomen, as if Jude had wedged himself up inside my rib cage. I am now 30 weeks pregnant, five weeks further than I have ever been before. Jude is almost three pounds more than Avery was at birth so I really don't know what to expect with things like this. I assumed it was normal at first, to feel so uncomfortable with him so high up.

But as the wee hours of the morning went on, and I could not sleep through the discomfort, I felt like something just wasn't right. I rubbed my stomach, trying to get him to adjust his position, but nothing eased up. Of course, Daniel was at work all night so I was doing this alone. When 7am rolled around, I texted him to call me because he'd be getting off any minute. By the time he called me, I had started to get upset. I paced our room, hoping my movement would make Jude move. When Daniel asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, it made me cry.

The thought of walking into L&D with the feeling something was wrong completely brought me back to that day with Avery. That weird feeling that something wasn't right, and finding out she was gone. I didn't want to go in there and do the same things we had to do with her... listen for his heartbeat and then have to confirm his health with an ultrasound, all in the same rooms. I have made it so far without any true scares. That does surprise me. I did picture myself being a lot more paranoid than this. But I guess Jude doing so well has kept me from having to go that far with my worries. For that, I am so grateful.

I did get out my doppler and found Jude's heartbeat, faintly, very high in my stomach. So much higher than I have ever heard his heartbeat before. I wondered if he had dangerously wedged himself. Like, what if he was stuck in his cord or was pinching it off up there? I let all these crazy thoughts enter my head. While I waited for Daniel to drive home, I called my parents. I felt bad waking them up for that's for a good reason! I asked my mom what she thought we should do. I couldn't help crying, talking about something being wrong and going to the hospital for our little boy. It just hit too close to home with what happened to Avery. We decided that going to the hospital would definitely be the best thing, just as Daniel had said. I'd rather be deemed paranoid than take the chance of letting something unnecessary happen to Jude. Besides, I have very legitimate reasons to be paranoid. I deserve to be a little crazy from time to time.

Thank God, during the time we were getting ready to leave and pick up my mom to go to the hospital, I felt Jude move a couple times. In the waiting room, filling out the same form I filled out last March, he kicked me some more. I was so grateful that I knew, without any dopplers or ultrasounds that our little boy was alive. I just had to find out what was wrong with me.

The pain in my abdomen by this time began to feel like the start of a gallbladder attack. I definitely know this feeling well since I had several attacks back in April and May of last year. But the thing is, in May, I got my gallbladder removed. So what was going on?? It started to get more and more intense. I felt upset because that is a pain I never thought I'd have to feel ever again. It's a very intense and horrible pain that is completely relentless. Thankfully, they didn't make me wait long and I was in a gown in a bed within 15 minutes.

Julie, my nurse, had Jude hooked up to a monitor right away. I loved laying there listening to him and knowing he was fine. He kept kicking and moving and keeping me very confident that he was perfectly fine. Thank you, little man!! Julie took my blood pressure and it was 160/99 which is really high. I had to start a 24 hour urine collection and they took two vials of blood from me. Within an hour, the phelbotomist came back and took a third vial and said I was on her schedule for more blood work at 3:00pm. What?! It was only 9:00am!! I had never assumed this would be an all day thing at all. Especially since Jude was fine.

I soon found out that they would be admitting me and giving me my own room to rest in. My blood work came back with some elevated levels. My liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were pretty low. They thought the pain I was feeling was a mix of the high blood pressure and my liver. I'd be hooked up to the blood pressure cuff and monitored every 30 minutes. They were going to give me half of a Labetalol dose to lower my blood pressure. I was on Labetalol with Avery starting at 20 weeks so the whole high blood pressure thing made me nervous, wondering if this was going to be the start of Jude's decline or something. But then Julie informed me that he was alright and that they were going to give me a steroid injection in my back to help mature Jude's lungs more in case he had to be born. If my blood pressure wouldn't come down, I could be in danger and the only way to fix me would be to deliver Jude. So it would be more of something that's bad for me and not him. He would just obviously be premature and spend the first several weeks of his life in the NICU, which is a much better outcome than what his sister endured.

Everything was put into play. I got the steroid injection in my lower back and WOW did that hurt. And the pain lingered for a long time. It was 11:00am by this time. I'd be getting that blood work again at 3:00 just like I'd been told earlier. I was still hooked up to the fetal heart monitor, laying on my side. That made eating lunch pretty difficult, but I managed!

A couple hours later, one of the midwives from my doctor's office (the one who delivered Avery) came in. She had Jude taken off the monitor and said he'd get non stress tests every several hours instead because he was looking so great and my blood pressure was starting to drop. She wanted me to be able to be more comfortable to I could rest better. Even though I enjoyed hearing his precious heart, I was kind of relieved to get that off and be more free. To not have to call the nurse each time I had to go to the restroom so so she unplug and replug me back in each time. And I could actually move in my bed without losing his heartbeat on the monitor. That's what really was so amazing about how active our sweet boy was yesterday. I didn't need to hear him to know he was okay. He kicked and rolled all day long. I don't think he slept at all. It was like a little gift. I really needed that.

The day progressed mundanely from there on out. Both of my parents and Daniel were with me. for the most part. My parents left for a little bit to eat and get some things for me and when they returned I got to take a shower and then Daniel left to get our overnight things. I never dreamed I'd be there overnight! It didn't occur to me for a second when we'd left the house that morning! It was great to take a shower and to change into my own nightgown. My blood work was done at 3pm and looked pretty much the same as earlier. At 5:30pm, I was given a Heparin injection in my stomach instead of my usual Lovenox. Heparin leaves your system sooner than Lovenox so that was yet another precaution in case Jude had to be delivered. I was given dinner, which was surprisingly good. Because you know what they say about hospital food... ;)

A couple hours later, probably around 7:00, my parents went home. Daniel had called into work, which was good because neither of us wanted him that far away and not immediately accessible if something happened. It was just safer to keep him there. And I know I could never leave Daniel if he was in the hospital! I did spent most of the night by myself though. Daniel had worked all night long the previous night and hadn't slept since so he conked out around 8pm and stayed out for the most part all night long. I watched TV and played with my phone, keeping people updated via text and Facebook. I played solitaire. Posted boring photos to Instagram. Anything I could think of to fill my time. I was so tired but just could not sleep.

Around 9pm, another phlebotomist came in because the last woman at 3 left out one of the vials. Of course. haha. So I had blood drawn for the fourth time. At 10:30, my newest nurse came in to do a non stress test on Jude, hooking him up to the monitor again while I watched That 70s Show. He sounded great and was a bit active. I loved listening to him. As always. Daniel slept right through it! Even through Jude's loud kicks against the monitor. :) I wish I could sleep like that!! At 11:00, my nurse came in to take me off the monitor and give me a sleeping pill. I hadn't planned on taking anything but by now I was so ready to go to sleep. 

It started to kick in a little bit within the hour but I just could not, for the life of me, sleep through the blood pressure cuff going off every 30 minutes. It was loud and it would get so painfully tight each time. Even as I would begin to fall asleep, it would go off again, waking me up. But I did try. And maybe in all I got about an hour of sleep.

At 4:15, I gave up sleeping and played Solitaire on my phone. Daniel woke up soon after and watched Netflix. Thank God for wi-fi. :) Even though I was happy Daniel was able to get some rest, it was nice to not be alone anymore.

Around 5:30am, I got hooked back up to the monitor for another NST (non stress test) for Jude. He was very cooperative and his heart rate was very good. Also during the NST, the phlebotomist came back in for four more vials of blood, making that ten vials (and five draws) total for my stay. But hey, whatever it takes!

I ate breakfast around 6:30 and got some nice heartburn, which I'd had last night too. Around 7:30, I was taken to ultrasound to check on Jude and make sure he looked as good as he seemed. I was glad they were being that thorough. The ultrasound tech has absolutely no personality, saying as little to me as possible. It was kind of awkward. Maybe she was having a bad day already? Being wheeled through those OB halls reminded me of being there for Avery. I got wheeled past the room I delivered her in but didn't look inside. I got wheeled right into the ultrasound room, seemingly the same exact one we saw Avery's lifeless body in. It was so odd to be there. So many emotions rolling around in my mind. I felt so cold suddenly, I was shivering. It was weird. But I got on the table and the unfriendly girl did the ultrasound. She said not one word about anything, the screen completely facing away from me. I mouthed to Daniel, "He's moving, right?" because her silence just felt so wrong. He nodded and I felt better. I knew he was okay. I just didn't like feeling as if he was being kept from me, that I couldn't take part in seeing my own son. Like when Avery was gone, they couldn't give us any information because they weren't allowed. It reminded me of that kind of situation. 

Finally, she turned the screen and let me see Jude's sweet face. Oh, he looked so cute! More like a baby face instead of that skull look. She took a couple photos for me, which didn't translate to paper very well to show his cuteness, but I was just thrilled that she even did that.

The tech did tell us Jude looked good and that he weighs 3 pounds. I was excited that he reached another pound mark. When she wheeled me back to my room, I took a look inside room 10 where Avery was born. It really was so weird to look in there and see the bed I gave birth to her and held her in. To see the couch Daniel first sat with her in his hands. The room where that day happened, where we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl.

Back in our room, I bundled up to get rid of my shivers and finally fell asleep. Daniel went home to eat and grab a couple things while I napped. It was so good to get some sleep. I woke up when Daniel returned but fell back to sleep until the midwife came in around 10:00am. She told me how pleased she was with Jude's ultrasound and that he weighs a little over 3 pounds. His fluid levels, heart beat, and movements look great. She thinks he will be able to stay put for several more weeks, provided my blood pressure stays normal. But he's perfectly healthy and wonderful and I loved hearing that. They planned to release me as soon as my blood work and 24 hour urine results were in. About 30 minutes later, Julie, my nurse from yesterday came in excitedly to tell me that all my test results were perfect. No protein or anything irregular in the urine and my blood levels were all normal. My liver enzymes were no longer elevated. Everything was perfectly fine. Praise God! She said we could go home just as soon as I got my second dose of the steroids for Jude.

My other nurse did the injection, which again hurt very badly. Then I was allowed to get dressed and get ready to finally leave! I could not wait to go home and be on my couch and in my bed. :)

I was given an order to start NSTs twice a week and BPPs (biophysical profile ultrasounds) once a week. I start those next Monday, August 1st when I'm 31 weeks and 1 day. I also have to do a 24 hour urine collection once a week and I have to repeat all of the blood work once a week. I have to do all of this until Jude is born. I think I will also be seeing my doctor once a week. And I've been put on bed rest as well. Wow, sounds like a crazy couple of months coming up! But all of it will be worth it. I will always do anything for Jude.

The past two days have been taxing emotionally and physically. It was so strange to think for even a second that Jude could be coming now. I'm so glad he gets to stay put and grow a bit longer inside of me. My body may be flawed, but it's still the best incubation for him. I really hope that everything stays well and that I don't have to worry again about him or about what my body could cause for him. Even though I have a lot of new appointments and tests to deal with now, I hope that's the extent of it all from here on out. No more surprises or sudden issues. I'm so grateful God has answered our prayers and kept us all safe and well.

28 week OB appointment

Today was a much better day than yesterday as far as worries go. I had another OB appointment and saw a different doctor in the practice since mine is on vacation. I was a little hesitant about seeing him, since I don't personally favor male doctors who can't speak from personal experience. But he was so nice and so sweet. I really enjoyed talking with him. He helped me push my fears aside a bit without invalidating my feelings. I like that.

He told me more about my ultrasound results from Monday. Jude is in the 62nd percentile for size, which is good. Fluid was great. He was very pleased with the report. The doctor then told me the next step in my prenatal care and it changed my outlook a lot.

At 32 weeks, I will start biophysical profiles and stress tests for Jude twice a week, every week, until delivery. I know that will be time consuming but I am really happy about it. The biophysical profile is an ultrasound testing for movements, breathing, and tone in a 30 minute period. The stress test is when I'll have a fetal monitor hooked up on my belly to observe him. They will do these to make sure Jude is still doing well and if anything arises that's a red flag, he can be born. I really like that idea. That Jude will be monitored so well, that if his health starts to deteriorate, we can get him here before it's too late. I can see these appointments keeping me calmer, not having to wonder how he's doing and being able to see him twice a week and know that he's still healthy. I'm really looking forward to it! I think these twice a week appointments will make the weeks go faster. Just a little more than three weeks before this all starts!

At my appointment, I also found out I gained four more pounds in the last two weeks. Wow! I don't mind though because it only puts me at eight pounds total for my entire pregnancy so far. And I still weigh five pounds less than I did when I first got pregnant with Avery. I actually feel leaner in certain parts of my body, so I think the weight is all Jude and the pregnancy. And my belly does feel rounder and bigger this week... which I love. :) Bring on those worsening stretch marks! I wear them with pride!!

Worrying

I hate worrying. I try so hard not to do it, but after everything we've been through, it's next to impossible not to. This evening, I hadn't felt Jude much. Even after I ate dinner, he didn't kick around like he usually does. I knew deep down that there was no way that something suddenly happened to him, but I still allowed the worry and the bad thoughts to set in.

Finally, I gave in and used my doppler after I thought I felt a movement. As soon as I ran it across my belly, Jude kicked it. He seems to like doing that every time I use the doppler. It didn't take me long to find his heartbeat. Daniel timed it at 140 bpm. After that, he seemed to wake up a bit more, and then he got the hiccups. :) I love his hiccups.

A lot of people tell me not to worry. Unless they've been in the shoes of someone who knows what it's like to lose a baby, then I don't want them to tell me that. I feel like I have earned the right to worry about Jude. No, I don't like worrying about him, but I don't like feeling that other people think I'm silly or crazy, as if I haven't been through anything to warrant extra concern for my unborn baby. All I know is a devastating ending. All I know of pregnancy is death. The only other baby I had died inside of me. No one can expect me not to let my imagination run. I can't be confident and calm all the time. I wish I was. I would love to be. It would make this so much easier! But I know I won't finally feel better until Jude is in my arms, healthy and alive.

I hate that pregnancy is so tainted for me now. I really do love being pregnant. I love all of the physical changes and difficulties that come with it. It's such an honor and a privilege to carry life. I think it's beautiful and wonderful. But the bliss has been stolen from me and it makes pregnancy so hard. I don't care how uncomfortable I can get, I accept that gladly. I enjoy it! Because that means my body is doing what it's supposed to and I will give up anything and everything, especially my comfort, for my little boy. But the worry that comes with it after what has happened in my past steals the perfect joy. There is still joy, but there's also a cloud of anxiety looming. It makes it emotionally exhausting. I'm not sure when I will be willing to have another baby after Jude. I will need a long break from being so emotionally taxed! Nine months is a long time of having your nerves jerked back and forth!

Sometimes I can actually picture never having a third child. That Avery and Jude will be it for us. All the painful injections, all the extra appointments, the extra pills, the fear, the worry... It's a lot to take on. I can't imagine what it's like to just take a prenatal vitamin everyday. To only see one doctor, once a month. To pass the first trimester and know you're completely out of the woods of worry. I'm not sure if Jude's safe arrival will convince me that I can easily birth living children, or if I'll be just as scared the next time. Who knows. But even if Jude is the only living child we'll ever have to show for, I'll be grateful. He's a miracle.

28 week ultrasound

We got to see Jude today! Well, compared to all of the other ultrasounds we've had so far, we barely got to see him, but knowing he's doing well and still thriving and growing strong are what matters.

For some reason, we had a different tech and she had a trainee. They seemed more concerned with doing the job than with giving us a nice experience seeing our baby. I've been so excited for this appointment, since I always need the affirmation that Jude is healthy and I crave seeing him. But this appointment didn't leave me with that bliss that I usually get.

The other tech at this place (and both techs at the 4D place as well) always let Daniel capture a couple videos with my iPhone. The second he took it out, the trainee scolded Daniel, treating him like he was a little kid, telling him he couldn't do that because it was against HIPAA law. He told her that they have always let us before and she still continued to make him feel stupid by telling him it was illegal. Like they own our son and we have no right to him. Isn't HIPAA supposed to protect us from other people? How does us having a video of our own son invade our own privacy? And okay, if it is against the law to tape it, fine. But be nice about it and don't make my grown husband feel like a scolded child. Geez.

So that was a welcoming start to our appointment. The tech asked me why we were having so many growth ultrasounds so I told her that we lost our last baby at 25 weeks. She didn't really seem too concerned about hearing such an awful thing. I usually get a more caring reply, but that's alright. I mentioned that I worry about our son a lot, even when he's doing well, so you would think she'd be nice and make sure she really let us see him and did her best to give us a nice appointment.

She did all the boring things first. We got our fourth confirmation that Jude is a boy. His parts are very visible and distinguishable now! But the part that really bothered me was when she checked for his heartbeat. She didn't play it out loud, so the screen beneath his image was a flatline going across the screen. Thank God I had already seen him move on the screen and felt him move this morning or I would've thought he was dead. The trainee asked her why she didn't play it out loud and she goes, "Oh, I just do it that way. You can do it either way, it still works without it." Wow, who doesn't let their patient hear their baby's heart beating? That's one of the best parts of it all. Thank you for letting me see the same kind of flatline I saw for my daughter because she was dead. Thank you for bringing back that image for me to experience with my son. It really made me feel upset.

The tech went on to measure his parts for size. We got to find out that Jude now weighs 2lbs 8oz! That's a whole 2lbs bigger than Avery at just three weeks older than her. His size also put him a whole week and a day ahead of his age. That made me very happy. Four weeks ago, he was just five days ahead. I love that he is doing so well.

Then came the fun stuff, or so I thought. The tech didn't try too hard to get a better view of his face or really give us any kind of enjoyable show of our baby. She snapped very few pictures of him and the ones that she got weren't too great. At the every end, she finally got an open view of his face and then didn't even take a picture! We were kind of surprised at how she worked. They sent us out to wait for our print outs. They only gave us two (the other tech gave us SIX last time) and they weren't even the best of the very few that she did take. Wow, thanks for caring about your patient! I'd really been looking forward to getting some new beautiful images of Jude since he's so much bigger now. Oh well.

I don't like complaining. I am very grateful that Jude is still here to have an ultrasound of. I am so grateful and thrilled that he is growing and he's healthy. But because of what we have been through, appointments like these and the way people treat us are that much more sacred to me. I don't think it's too much to ask to capture some decent images and allow your patient to get a good look at their baby, regardless of whether or not they've had a previous loss that makes them extra sentimental. Let's just say, I really hope the old tech still works there and that this just happened to be her day off.

I really love our sweet baby boy. I am so thrilled that he's so healthy and that the countdown until his arrival is getting smaller. I am now in the third trimester! Such a huge milestone! We are so blessed by this precious gift. Just 11 more weeks!!

26 weeks

Today, July 1st, I am 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am thrilled to have made it past our 25 week milestone! I actually feel a difference in my confidence and overall outlook. I really feel like Jude will be here. Not maybe, or hopefully... But that he will. I love that feeling. It's so exciting.

Yesterday, I had another OB appointment. I have gained another pound in the past two weeks since my last visit. Never have I been happy about gaining weight, but now, I take it as such a reassurance that Jude is doing well. I lost weight with Avery as her health began to decline. So to be gaining weight, makes me very happy. I still weigh less than I did when I lost Avery. So it's really not so bad. But honestly, I'd be willing to accept any weight gain in exchange for a healthy baby!

Also at my appointment, I found out that I passed the two hour glucose test. Yay!! I was so happy to find that out. I really didn't want to have to worry about that. Or have to go back and retest. I've been through worse, but still.

Jude's heartbeat sounded great and my fundal height (the measurement from the public bone to the top of the uterus) is 30. If I remember correctly, I only reached 20 or so with Avery. Jude is so much bigger. :)

Other developments this week is the arrival of Braxton Hicks contractions. I don't mind them. They sure feel weird, but I love all these normal parts of pregnancy. I only ever got one Braxton Hicks with Avery. Also, I think I have found Jude's pediatrician. I passed his office a couple weeks ago and loved how close his new location is to our house. I looked him up, loved his website and got a really great vibe about him. I asked my doctor about him and she recommends him highly, and says he is very down to earth and kind and has a very good practice. Good to know! So in the next couple of weeks, Daniel and I will be scheduling an appointment with him to meet him. Exciting! I love preparing for Jude's arrival!

I love that it's July now. So much closer to September! I am almost in the third trimester!! Before I know it, I'll be at my baby shower! All these things that I have waited a lifetime for and once lost. I am beyond thrilled to be reaching these things with Jude. So special. <3