Capture Your Grief : Day 19 // Project

Not too long after Avery died, I was overcome with an immense desire to do something, to channel my grief into something good. I wanted to give back, or bless other people in my shoes, or better equip hospitals like the one I went to who seem to fall short on their preparedness for stillbirths. I wasn't exactly sure where was heart was at. I just wanted to help someone.

I was very surprised how quickly the world around me moved on after Avery died. I guess if it didn't happen to you, it's easy to just go about your life as if nothing happened. For me, life ended. My heart stopped when Avery's did. I could no longer function as a human being. I was a mere suggestion of the person I used to be. I ached for the comfort of those around me in the early days. I longed for words of encouragement and to know people were still thinking of us and remembering Avery. I needed it.

I was out with my dad one afternoon and we stopped at the grocery store. He needed to pick up a graduation card for his friend's daughter. I skimmed the sympathy cards, internally seething over the fact that they had a 'loss of pet' section but lacked a 'loss of child' section. I thought about all of the generic cards I'd received and wondered if their purchasers were any bit dismayed over the poor choices of cards for such a loss. And in thinking about those cards, that desire for encouragement and comfort returned, and I wished I could still receive such love and confirmation that my struggle and my agony was cared about.

That's when I came up with BLM Penpals. It has seemed to sort of fizzle out now, but two years ago, it was a very comforting tool. I presented it to the readers of Avery's blog and they jumped at it. All of the baby loss moms who were interested submitted their home addresses, information on their precious babies, and some information about themselves. The idea was that we would all send cards, letters, small gifts to each other and continue to build each other up long after the world moved on. Over 30 women got involved.

It was so wonderful to open the mailbox and have a cheery, loving card from a kind stranger. Especially on the days when formula samples would arrive for a baby that was no longer alive. I enjoyed growing closer to these women and doing nice things for them. Instead of just dwelling on myself, I was thinking of others and trying to brighten their days. To this day, several of us send out Christmas cards. We always know how to reach each other if we'd like. I really enjoyed the early days of BLM Penpals. I think it blessed a lot of people at just the right time. I know it did that for me.