Happy Birthday, sweet Jude

It's July 31st. I can't believe it.

A whole year has gone by, yet I feel like Jude just came into the world. Right now, last year, I was in the hospital once again, staying overnight for observation after another bout of high blood pressure. My doctor had me admitted, mostly for my own peace of mind, since she knew how fearful I was for Jude's safety.

Before discharging me the morning of the 31st, my doctor ordered an ultrasound, just to be extra thorough. Within minutes, I was told Jude would be coming in an hour because the pressure in the cord was very high and causing him too much stress. It was such a shock at first. At first I felt relieved, like I'd finally be able to breathe for the first time in eight months, knowing that, sadly, he'd be safer outside of my body. But then I was overcome with so much reluctance, holding my belly for the last time and feeling Jude's last kicks while I waited for them to take me away for the emergency c-section. I couldn't shake the notion that my pregnancy was being ripped away from me prematurely, once again.

I was put under for the c-section because I had been on blood thinners. It was too dangerous for a spinal; I could have bled out. So being put under was the only option, which also meant Daniel wasn't allowed in for Jude's birth. I still hate these situations. That neither Daniel nor I were there to see our sweet boy come into the world. Daniel only saw Jude for a few seconds before they whisked him away to the NICU, where he stayed for the next 32 days.

Jude Wesley was born at 12:37pm, at 31 weeks gestation, weighing 3 pounds 1.1 ounces, and was 15.5 inches long. I was told he was very content for such a premature baby. He was born so stressed, but calmed so much after. My body was doing to him exactly what it did to Avery. The placenta was once again failing. My doctor later said Jude probably wouldn't have made it another day. I am so grateful, so thankful that I knew to go to the hospital the previous evening. That I had the intuition that something wasn't right. I thank God for the wisdom of my doctor, who did exactly what was needed before it was too late.

Our families all met Jude within a couple hours after his birth. I was still recuperating from the bleeding issue I had during my surgery. I didn't get to see my little boy at all the day he was born. It's so strange to think about that. He was here but I wasn't with him. Definitely not the typical birth experience. Neither of mine have been, that's for sure. I wish I knew what it was like to carry a baby to term, to go into labor, to give birth to a living baby that I immediately get to hold, and to take that baby home just a day or so later. I'll never know. But I do know the joy of my sweet Jude... and that's definitely enough.

I am so honored to be Jude's mom. He is an amazing baby, such an incredible little person. I can already see his personality and his little heart. He is precious and sweet. He is silly. He is so strong, the first thing he ever was, here in this world, fighting to live. My tiny son is my hero. He is truly a miracle. Truly.

And today, Jude turns 1. It's bittersweet for us. We love our little boy and he just gets bigger and bigger everyday. We miss the tinier days. They get further away with each moment that passes. We embrace these new moments and we love and savor them, but we know we can never go back. We can never share these same sweet stages with any other children. These were the sacred times we lost with our only daughter, and these are the times we cling to with our son. Despite that, today is a victory. Jude is here. He's healthy and alive. He gets to grow up. I just wish he wouldn't do it so quickly!

Jude, Daddy and I are so proud of you. You fill our lives with so much joy. Each day is beautiful just being with you... watching you learn and play, seeing your smile and hearing your laughter. I love you more than life. Happy 1st birthday, sweet sweet boy.

“... and she loved a boy very, very much-- even more than she loved herself.”
― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Jude's 1st birthday party in pictures {7.28.12}

Jude's first time at the beach

Living in Florida, it's almost comical that it took us so long to take Jude to the beach for the first time. This past weekend, he finally got to experience it all for the very first time.

My parents took my little family and my three brothers to stay overnight in St. Petersburg Beach. It has been so long since we've stayed at the beach, something we used to do so frequently growing up. It was so amazing to be at this same hotel we visited several times with my husband and my baby.

Almost immediately after we got to the beach on Saturday afternoon, Jude fell asleep! I sat holding him under the cabana while he napped. I think all the excitement and the heat wore him out! We'd have to wait until the next day for him to have his first beach experience.

Jude loved the sand immediately. He was so excited, digging his little toes in. It was so awesome to watch him enjoy something that was so new and thrilling to him. To see another piece of the world through his sweet little eyes.

How I love this boy.

Flashback: July 24-25, 2011

Yesterday, last year, I hit the 30 week mark in my pregnancy with Jude. And that was the day my perfect pregnancy went downhill. Everything had been amazing and been going so well. It was a completely different pregnancy than Avery's. 'Night and day,' as my doctor put it.

But early in the morning on July 24th, I had a terrible pain in my upper abdomen, prompting me to go to Labor & Delivery. It turned out that my blood pressure was spiking and the enzymes in my liver were elevated. No longer the perfect, healthy pregnancy I thought I was having. I believed we'd fixed everything that went wrong with Avery and that it would be different this time. But we were all wrong.

I was admitted to the hospital that morning. They monitored Jude and my blood pressure. It was going up and down way too much to put me on medication. To be safe, I received a round of steroid injections to help mature Jude's lungs if things were to worsen. That was the best thing they could have done for me. I really believe that's what helped Jude do so well when he was born just a week later.

Today, last year, I was discharged from the hospital. They did an ultrasound on our sweet boy to make sure he was doing alright. He passed his NST and looked great. But I was to monitor my blood pressure at home and make sure it didn't stay elevated for long periods of time.

I remember spending the next several days so nervous. My dreams of a normal pregnancy were once again shattered, but I still had high hopes that it would be several weeks before we had to face any pregnancy-ending situations. I didn't know I'd be admitted to L&D once again in just five more days.

NICU visit {7.13.12}

It had been ten months and twelve days since we stepped out of the NICU for the very last time. That last long trip down that endless hall of labor and delivery. Bringing Jude out with us into the light of day for the very first time. And we've meant to go back but time slips away in such an unreal manner lately. I feel like I'm living my life in fast forward. It just goes much too quickly.

On July 13th, Daniel and I finally brought Jude back to the hospital where I had both him and Avery. I wanted to visit my favorite nurse, Daniele, who has always played such a special role in both of my birth stories. She is the one who sat down with Daniel and I and told us that Avery was gone (even though we already knew). She was the one who got me settled in my room to induce to deliver Avery. She shared with us, the story of the sweet baby she lost and we bonded over that. I saw that there could be a light at the end of such a devastating blow. If Daniele was still standing, then I knew one day I would get back on my feet as well. She and I kept in touch over the next year. Then, when I was having issues during my pregnancy with Jude, Daniele was there again. She was the one who told me he would be born early... that he'd be coming "in about an hour." She helped prep me for my emergency c-section. She was there when Jude was born and she was the one who took the first photos of him. Daniele took me to see my sweet boy for the first time. She was there in the coming weeks, when we'd come visit our baby. Daniele made sure to come visit me when I ended up in the hospital with pulmonary embolisms. She took care of me so much. There to comfort me and make me laugh, even in the darkest of times. She is amazing and I am so grateful to know her.

And then it was off to the NICU. It was so odd to walk down that hall again, like we had countless times last summer. The smell, the slight chill in the air, the sounds. All so incredibly familiar. It suddenly didn't feel like it had been so long since we'd last roamed these halls daily, praying for that phase of our lives to end. For this place to no longer be a reluctant second home.

It was so strange, yet so oddly normal picking up that phone and requesting to be let into the NICU. Daniele had told them we were coming to visit, so they let us right in. I can't even describe how it felt to see that long room again, stretched out before us. The soft light, the calm quiet mixed with the sounds of fragile life, the isolettes, the beeping and chiming monitors. It almost felt like we never left. It almost felt like home. So familiar and normal. Yet distant and vague.

The nurses couldn't believe their eyes when they saw Jude. They all made such a fuss over him; how much he's grown and how healthy he looks. He's like a different baby. It was nice to hear that we did such a great job with him, even though all we've done is love him and take care of him.

Sonal, one of our favorite nurses, was there. She was the one who cut Jude's cord when he was born. She took care of him a lot when he was there in the NICU, and we liked her very much.

It was great to see her and a few of the other nurses, and to tell them how Jude is doing, what he likes, and all the amazing things he can do. ;) He's come such a long way. I love how they still cared about him, even after all this time. Nicole, one of the nurses, ran into their break room and grabbed the thank you card and photos I had sent around Christmas time and showed us that they'd been hanging on their bulletin board. It made me so happy to know that he's so special to them, that they never forgot.

The most amazing thing was to visit Jude's little area of the NICU. The back left corner, right by the supply shelf. That's where he spent most of his first 4.5 weeks. To bring him back to that spot, as he is now, as we are now, all this time later. To watch him touch the thick plastic of the isolette from the outside... such a strange feeling. Victorious, maybe.

I still can't believe we have walked this journey. It's astounding to look back at where we've come from and where Jude began. I am eternally grateful that our fragile, tiny baby has grown into this strong, smart, and incredible little boy.