I still remember the exact moment we settled on Avery's name. My dad was on the phone with his funeral director friend and he needed her name for the obituary. That's when she was officially named. I hate that she died before it was definite.
When I was first pregnant, we had always said, if it's a boy, he will be Jude and if it's a girl, she will be Avery. That was it. But we began to question things, as I'm really bad at coming up with girl names and Jude had been set in stone since before we were married. We considered Sawyer Grace for her for a short while, but ultrasounds at both 20 and 23 weeks couldn't completely determine her gender. It was probably because she was slowly dying. But of course, we didn't know that.
Daniel and I just looked at each other, wondering what our poor lost baby should be called. She was still with us, but gone at the same time. Not even born yet, but already in Heaven. She no longer felt like a Sawyer. I hadn't been sure it was girly enough anyway. (I worry about what other people think) I asked Daniel if he wanted to name her Cadence, his favorite, and he shook his head. I agreed. Then I started to cry, knowing her name in my heart. "I want to name her Avery," I choked out. And he knew it as well. We weren't sure on a middle name, and at the time, didn't feel like it mattered a whole lot. We gave her my name as her middle name, to kind of keep us "together." And now I regret that. I wish she had a beautiful, meaningful middle name. Avery doesn't mean anything special... (Elf ruler?!) so it would have been nice if it was something like Grace (after my grandma and just the beautiful trait itself). But that's her name. And it's okay. There are worse things... like her being gone.
I love the name Avery. I think it's the most beautiful name in the whole world. I wish I could actually call that name and see a precious little head of ringlets turn to answer. I wish I could hear that name spoken on more lips. I just wish she was here to have her name and use her name and be her name.
"Remember me," she said, smiling. "Write my name somewhere safe..." - Jimmy Eat World
1 comments:
Every time I see the Avery brand of address labels and other sticky office supplies, I smile and think of your lil Avery. Kinda cheesy but I like it. ;) I think of her every time.
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