Flashback : 1.21.11

Today, two years ago (two years already?!), we found out I was pregnant with Jude. I remember it so well, still. Such an amazing and unbelievable day.

It was so difficult, trying again for another baby, when we were supposed to be raising our little girl but weren't. The fear mixed with the excitement mixed with the frustration. Not only was I trying for something I was supposed to already have, it was taking longer than it should. For couple who struggle with infertility, I know nine cycles is a dream. But for me, who is supposedly "normal" is that department, it was just another nagging thing. I can't imagine being one of those women who get pregnant on the first try... or even on accident. I can't fathom how that's possible.

So today, two years ago, as soon as I got up that morning, I dragged Daniel into our bathroom and took a test. I wanted to just put myself out of my misery and see that we failed yet another month. I thought it would be easier for the test to tell me than to wait for my body to. We stood there for just seconds, it seemed, as the little hourglass displayed on the digital screen. Suddenly, there was just one beautiful and alarming, glorious and terrifying word: Pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I let out a joyful shriek and threw my arms around Daniel. It was the beginning of a lovely and scary journey that would end in both victory and defeat.

Pregnancy after loss is such a rollercoaster of emotions. In one moment, you can feel both excited and scared. Both confidence and doom. The bliss is gone, but there's still so much joy in carrying life again, in the same exact spot where there was so much loss. I remember I used to think about how strange it was to have Jude dancing around where Avery died. That his heart beat exactly where hers stopped. He is the only person to be in the very place where she lived, and the very place she passed away.

Her death saved his life... Her death is the reason he is even here, just as he is. I never would have gotten pregnant two Januaries ago if Avery had lived. She'd only be 2 1/2 right now if she'd made it to her due date, so I doubt we'd even have another baby by now. Even when we would give Avery a sibling, in this alternate universe where she never died, it wouldn't be the Jude we know now. He would be a completely different person. It's crazy to think of that. I'd never change Jude, but I wish Avery was here.

I'm so grateful how everything turned out with my second pregnancy, despite the new horrors that came with it. Standing in my bathroom with that positive test in my hand, I was not promised that our second baby would make it here alive. There was so much left to uncertainty. So much fear and worry. So much hope and joy. I've never prayed more in my life than I did when I was pregnant with Jude. Most days, I begged God for his life. I thank God He brought Jude here safely, even if it was too early and not the experience I dreamed of. I'm so glad this day in our history is still a happy day, the day we found out our boy was coming.

"Mighty glad you stayed..."

Capture Your Grief : Day 28 // Memory

It's been so difficult for me to choose one significant memory that stands out above the rest... the one I want to single out and share. So many moments come to mind immediately. The ultrasound where the tech wouldn't say what we already knew. Calling my mom to tell her Avery was gone... The list is endless.

I think though that the tenderest moment, one that I cannot and do not want to forget, is when Daniel and I were left completely alone with Avery in the hospital room. We were saying our final goodbye to her and spending our last moments ever with our daughter on this earth.

Daniel sat down with me on the bed and took Avery into his hands. We looked at her together, huddled close, tears streaming down our faces. I remember looking up at Daniel, miserably, and saying, "Daniel, what happened to our little girl?" It was almost pleading, begging him to give me answers I couldn't find, but knew full well he couldn't either.

I picked up the camera and took more photos of her, capturing her ink stained feet one more time. As I snapped more photos, I realized how much she was physically deteriorating. It felt unfair to keep taking her picture, as if I was compromising her dignity. I set the camera down and Daniel and I both agreed it was time for her to go. For us to give her up and say goodbye. It was the hardest thing we've ever had to decide together. Something we never thought we'd discuss... Not what color to paint the living room, or what to make for dinner... We had to decide that it was time to say goodbye to our daughter, after just seven hours with her. To give her to a nurse to take away so the funeral director could pick her up and take her to the funeral home to prepare her for her casket. How could we endure that? I still can't fathom it, though I've been living it for two and a half years.

It was God orchestrated that our pastor happened to arrive then to pray with us. He'd been away on a trip to Tennessee and just happened to get back in time, before Avery was taken away. Everyone came back into the room as Pastor John (one of my old high school teachers, my old youth pastor, the pastor who married Daniel and me) prayed over us. I do not remember what he prayed; all I could do was stare at my little girl, desperately trying to memorize every inch of her, the curves of her face and the feel of her skin. I ached to remember her always. Every precious detail.

Daniel made the horrific call to the front desk, requesting that the nurse come take our baby. It was awful. I don't know how I actually managed to hand Avery over to nurse. How I let her little body leave my hands for the last time. As the tears flow now, recalling it, I know they poured then.

After the nurse took Avery, she turned around to place her into the bassinet. I waited for her to move so I could take one last glance at my little girl before she was gone forever. But to my horror, when the nurse moved to the back of the rolling bassinet, I saw Avery was covered with a blanket... just like a dead body under a sheet.

I felt angry and upset that my last chance to see her was taken away. In these moments, this was not a dead body, a stillborn baby... This was my daughter, my precious baby, my little girl. She looked like her Daddy. And in this last second, I was angry on top of my grief. If that nurse could have just waited until she wheeled the bassinet across the room and behind the curtain before she covered her... It probably never occurred to her what a big deal that was. I'm sure she was just doing her job, shielding all of the normal happy moms that might be out in the hallway from seeing my dead baby. But she ruined my last moment. Maybe it shouldn't matter, but to me it does. She was the only nurse who took care of me during Avery's birth that had never experienced a loss. And she was the only one who did insensitive things... more than once.

Despite the nurse's inability to meet our needs, our last moments with Avery were so tender and precious. I felt so much love for Daniel, that we were holding each up through this, facing it together. And even though I felt so sick with grief and devastation, such a sense of dread and reluctance, I still felt so much love for that little girl. I still do.

Happy Birthday, sweet Jude

It's July 31st. I can't believe it.

A whole year has gone by, yet I feel like Jude just came into the world. Right now, last year, I was in the hospital once again, staying overnight for observation after another bout of high blood pressure. My doctor had me admitted, mostly for my own peace of mind, since she knew how fearful I was for Jude's safety.

Before discharging me the morning of the 31st, my doctor ordered an ultrasound, just to be extra thorough. Within minutes, I was told Jude would be coming in an hour because the pressure in the cord was very high and causing him too much stress. It was such a shock at first. At first I felt relieved, like I'd finally be able to breathe for the first time in eight months, knowing that, sadly, he'd be safer outside of my body. But then I was overcome with so much reluctance, holding my belly for the last time and feeling Jude's last kicks while I waited for them to take me away for the emergency c-section. I couldn't shake the notion that my pregnancy was being ripped away from me prematurely, once again.

I was put under for the c-section because I had been on blood thinners. It was too dangerous for a spinal; I could have bled out. So being put under was the only option, which also meant Daniel wasn't allowed in for Jude's birth. I still hate these situations. That neither Daniel nor I were there to see our sweet boy come into the world. Daniel only saw Jude for a few seconds before they whisked him away to the NICU, where he stayed for the next 32 days.

Jude Wesley was born at 12:37pm, at 31 weeks gestation, weighing 3 pounds 1.1 ounces, and was 15.5 inches long. I was told he was very content for such a premature baby. He was born so stressed, but calmed so much after. My body was doing to him exactly what it did to Avery. The placenta was once again failing. My doctor later said Jude probably wouldn't have made it another day. I am so grateful, so thankful that I knew to go to the hospital the previous evening. That I had the intuition that something wasn't right. I thank God for the wisdom of my doctor, who did exactly what was needed before it was too late.

Our families all met Jude within a couple hours after his birth. I was still recuperating from the bleeding issue I had during my surgery. I didn't get to see my little boy at all the day he was born. It's so strange to think about that. He was here but I wasn't with him. Definitely not the typical birth experience. Neither of mine have been, that's for sure. I wish I knew what it was like to carry a baby to term, to go into labor, to give birth to a living baby that I immediately get to hold, and to take that baby home just a day or so later. I'll never know. But I do know the joy of my sweet Jude... and that's definitely enough.

I am so honored to be Jude's mom. He is an amazing baby, such an incredible little person. I can already see his personality and his little heart. He is precious and sweet. He is silly. He is so strong, the first thing he ever was, here in this world, fighting to live. My tiny son is my hero. He is truly a miracle. Truly.

And today, Jude turns 1. It's bittersweet for us. We love our little boy and he just gets bigger and bigger everyday. We miss the tinier days. They get further away with each moment that passes. We embrace these new moments and we love and savor them, but we know we can never go back. We can never share these same sweet stages with any other children. These were the sacred times we lost with our only daughter, and these are the times we cling to with our son. Despite that, today is a victory. Jude is here. He's healthy and alive. He gets to grow up. I just wish he wouldn't do it so quickly!

Jude, Daddy and I are so proud of you. You fill our lives with so much joy. Each day is beautiful just being with you... watching you learn and play, seeing your smile and hearing your laughter. I love you more than life. Happy 1st birthday, sweet sweet boy.

“... and she loved a boy very, very much-- even more than she loved herself.”
― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Avery was here

We never got a birth certificate or a death certificate when we lost Avery. I knew she didn't qualify for a birth certificate since she was not born alive, but a long while back, I did some research about death certificates. Surely, there had to be some documentation of a baby born still.

I found out that you can obtain a 'Birth resulting in stillbirth' certificate if you have a certified death certificate on file. Not all states follow this, unfortunately, but Florida does. I always hated that the only official proof Avery was here is her grave stone. So, a few months ago, I finally contacted the funeral home that took care of her to see what they could do for me.

I was very confused and dismayed to find that Avery doesn't qualify for a certified death certificate because she wasn't "old enough" when she died. She was past the point of viability if born early and she was also "old enough" to be considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage. She was delivered just like a living baby. Stupidly, and I guess as a defense mechanism, I didn't ask further questions. I gratefully accepted the favor of an uncertified death certificate for Avery. It came in the mail yesterday, two years and three months after we lost her. While it is horrifying to receive a death certificate with your child's name on it, it brings so much closure and peace somehow.

This probably doesn't help my case that Avery counts, but I don't need anyone to tell me she does. I carried life inside of me for 25 weeks. I gave birth to a very wanted, very loved baby girl with perfect hands and feet, a sweet little nose and precious lips, who looked just like her Daddy.

I don't care that this document isn't certified. It states that my daughter was born and that she died. It is in writing. Avery was here.

Jude is here!

On Sunday, July 31, 2011, Jude Wesley was born, weighing just 3lbs 1oz and was 15.5 inches long at just 31 weeks gestation. He is perfect and beautiful...

The entire week since my last entry, I spent feeling uneasy. I was still on bed rest for my high blood pressure and I was letting it worry me. I worried about Jude and whether he was being affected or not. I checked my blood pressure several times a day and obsessed over Jude's movements. On Thursday, July 28th, I had an OB appointment. My BP was really high so my doctor had me do a non-stress test (NST) there in the office. I had to press a button each time I felt Jude move and he wasn't super active. But his heartbeat was great. My doctor then sent me to the hospital to have a biophysical profile (BPP) ultrasound done, just to make sure Jude was still doing well.

I went to the BPP and Jude looked great. The tech said she found everything she needed to find and all looked well. Despite getting a good result, I still felt a bit worried. I didn't like having high BP. I had it with Avery and things ended very badly after that.

Friday, I felt pretty good. A bit calmer. And thank God, I had Daniel take some cute photos of me on my parents' back patio. I had no idea they'd be the last photos of me pregnant with Jude.

Saturday, July 30th, is when things changed. The early part of the day was fine, but as it went on, I really felt like Jude wasn't moving as often as he usually did. I even felt like his movements were softer as well. But then I wondered if I was just paranoid. My aunt was over and was talking to me about my baby shower but it just made me feel depressed... like I felt worried that my shower wouldn't happen. That something was going to happen to Jude and he wouldn't make it til then. It was a sick feeling that I absolutely hated. It wasn't quite like the crazy intuition that I had with knowing something was wrong with Avery, but it didn't feel like nothing. I went into the bathroom and I cried. And I begged God to let me keep Jude. I felt so scared.

Daniel kept checking my BP and it was really high each time. We decided that I should go to the hospital again, just to make sure everything was alright. And to get some peace of mind that Jude was safe, if nothing else. I got admitted around 8pm. I had a nurse that I had when Avery was born. She remembered us and so many specific things about Avery's birth day. It meant so much to us.

Being hooked up to the monitor, Jude sounded good and normal. But I still felt nervous about him and whether my body was harming him or not. My BP stayed kind of high for the next couple hours. My doctor decided to just have me stay the night for monitoring, mostly for my own peace of mind because she knew I was nervous. The night passed peacefully and I felt safe there. I was grateful to not be at home worrying on my own.

The next day, Sunday, July 31st, I had my favorite nurse ever, Daniele. She was there for me during what happened with Avery. She was the one who told us Avery was gone and sat with me and wiped my tears. So even now, she is special to me and we have a special bond. I was thrilled that I got to have her take care of me.

Sometime in the morning, my doctor had me go for a BPP and cord doppler, to check the blood pressure in the cord. The tech said that Jude looked really good but she still had to figure out the results of the cord doppler. I went back to my room with Daniel, feeling a lot better seeing Jude and knowing he looked well. I figured I'd be leaving that evening, after my 24 hour urine collection was completed. (Yuck, sorry)

But not too much later, right before 11am, Daniele came into the room and she seemed like something was up. She grabbed a chair and put it next to my bed. She asked me where Daniel was. I knew that meant she had something really important to say. I told her he was in the restroom and I think she could tell I started to freak out in my head. She didn't make me wait for Daniel. She just came out and told me... "Jude did really good on the BPP... but the cord doppler came back elevated... The blood pressure in the cord is high... so Jude is going to be born today." I couldn't believe it. Daniel came out of the restroom and Daniele asked him if he was ready to be a father again. He thought she was just joking when she said Jude was coming. Oh but it was true!

Daniele explained things to us. Jude still looked good and healthy but what was happening with the placenta and the cord would begin to affect him if they didn't act immediately. My doctor would be there to do a c-section at noon, just an hour from then. She explained that I would have to be put under because of my blood issues and my blood being too thin. If I had a spinal, I could bleed out. And because I was being put under, Daniel wasn't allowed in the operating room. That's when I started to cry. I would not be there for my baby's birth. That was bad enough. But then Daniel wouldn't be there either? I absolutely hated it. I felt so sad for us, that my pregnancy was ending so suddenly and so early and that it wasn't going to be anything like we've dreamed.

I called my mom and told her to come immediately. It was a much better call than when I had to tell her Avery was gone! She was surprised Jude was coming but seemed so calm to me. I needed that. She later told me she was pretty much freaking out. I don't blame here, it was a big deal!

It didn't take long for Daniele and some other nurses to start preparing me for my surgery. Because I was being put under, they had to put my catheter in before I was knocked out. They wouldn't be able to take the time to do it after because Jude would need to come out as soon as possible before the anestesia affected him. I can't go into detail but that was one of the single most painful moments of my life. That was followed by getting my IV put in. Two veins blew out before finally getting the third to work.

After all of that, things calmed down a bit. I laid there, feeling Jude kick and dance. I started to cry because I knew these were the last moments that I would ever feel him inside me. I loved being pregnant with him. I cherished every second. I felt like he was being taken away from me. It was just too soon. I worried it would be too soon for him too, and that he wouldn't be okay. It was so hard not to worry and feel sad, to feel like I was losing my pregnancy.

Before I knew it, I was being wheeled out of my room and into the OR. It was hard to say bye to Daniel. I had to get up off my bed and get onto the small operating table. I laid there, crying, wishing I could be a part of my son's birth. His life was so special and such a miracle and I wouldn't be able to witness it at all. I could hear Daniele encouraging me as she helped my doctor prepare. It seemed like there were so many people in the room. It didn't take long to prep me. Before I knew it, the anestesiologist was looming over me and I felt myself fade away.

Waking up from surgery is one of the worst feelings, physicially. My first thought was how thirsty I felt. My mouth was so dry and my throat was so raw from being intubated. I could feel the pain in my stomach from the c-section. And suddenly I felt the need to cough, my throat itchy from having a tube shoved down it during the surgery. It was agonizing to cough. I don't remember a whole lot that was said around me, but I know Daniele was there. They were trying to get another IV in my arm because I had lost a lot of blood during my c-section. I needed a plasma transfusion. Because I have MTHFR and Factor II clotting disorders, I'd been on Lovenox blood thinning shots for my entire pregnancy. This was the reason for my bleeding issue during surgery. It was supposed to take 20 minutes, but ended up taking an hour and a half. It's weird to think I was in any kind of danger. I'm glad I had no idea about it until it was over.

I was then wheeled back into my room. Mine and Daniel's families were in there waiting for me. I barely recall seeing them. I remember balloons. I was trying so hard to stay awake but it was difficult. Everyone left to let me sleep off what I'd just been through. That's good, because I probably would've been embarrassed to have them all there looking at me!

While I slept, Jude was being stablized in the NICU. He did not need any ventilator for his breathing. He was breathing on his own! All he needed was a little bit of oxygen, just 35%. The rest he was getting by himself. They gave him a dose of surfactant to further help his lungs. The steroid shots I received the week before were a miracle. They were probably the reason Jude was breathing so well so soon. They also put in an IV for nutrients and antibiotics and a tube down into his stomach to drain any air or leftover fluid. He was also of course hooked up to monitor his heart rate, oxygen level, and respirations. When all of this was finally done, and Jude was safe and well, he was allowed to have a little meet and greet with our families. Daniel was the only one who really got to see him after he was born. One of the nurses let him kind of hold Jude for a few seconds before he'd been whisked off to the NICU.

I knew beforehand that I'd be the last to meet our son, but I was okay with that. I mean, I wasn't thrilled by it, but I didn't want everyone else to have to wait. I wanted them to be able to meet this precious little one that they have been waiting for and praying for too.

It wasn't until 1:30am August 1st, 13 hours after he was born, that I finally got to see our baby boy. I spent the day in so much pain. And it was agony to get out of my bed and into the wheelchair but somehow I did it.

I was beyond thrilled to see Jude. But to be honest, the moment was not what I expected. From my point of view in the wheelchair, it was hard to really get a good look at Jude. I was in so much pain, it was hard to sit there and enjoy anything. Plus, I was falling asleep and struggling to stay awake. Then, to add to it, a phlebotomist came in while I was visiting my son for the first time to draw blood from me. Could it not wait a few minutes?? So I do feel like that moment was kind of ruined by a lot of different factors. But nonetheless, it was still a dream come true to have a living, breathing baby that belonged to me.

I finally got my moment the following day (actually just much later that same day) when I got to hold Jude for the first time.

He was now in his incubator, what they call an Isolette, looking much better. I'd still been battling the sadness of no longer being pregnant. It was hard to feel like Jude was here when I was spending all my time in pain in a hospital room and he was not with me. But it changed so much, when I got him in my arms.

And I cried. I cried because I felt so much love. Because I have waited for this for so long. And because I lost this with Avery. Yes, I got to hold her, but it wasn't the same. She was already gone. But Jude is very much here and well. To feel his warmth and movement. To hear his breath and his sounds. To see his eyes. It's amazing and it's beautiful. He's beautiful.

I spent the next few days in the hospital, finally leaving on Wednesday, August 3rd. I still feel sentimental about deflated belly, missing feeling Jude and how big he made me. I've got lots of physical bruises and a new abdominal scar, but my heart is also feeling more whole. I haven't felt happiness like this since I was pregnant with Avery and knew nothing but bliss. It is hard leaving Jude in the NICU and not having him with me, but he still brings so much joy, and I know he will come home with us.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing our precious boy here safely!

More appointments

Yesterday, I had two appointments. It was actually very nice to get two over with in one day, back to back. First was my OB. I was surprised to see that I have lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I never gained weight with Avery, in fact, I lost weight with her, so I always equate no weight gain with inadequate growth or an unhealthy baby. But then I need to remember, my belly is getting bigger. It didn't really at all with Avery. Jude is growing and he's a whole week ahead. Avery was always behind. To top it all off, I started out overweight so the weight gain expectancies don't fully apply to me. I talked to my doctor about it and she said that as long as I'm eating and the baby is growing, it doesn't matter if I'm losing or gaining. That makes me feel better.

I asked my doctor about Jude's delivery. If I would carry him until my due date or not. She said because he is doing so well, she would like to try getting to my due date, but definitely no further. But she doesn't want to deliver him before 39 weeks because of brain and lung development. She said I'll be having ultrasounds (biophysical profiles) and non stress tests probably twice a week at the end. If there seems to be any sign of a problem, he will be delivered. But if not, he'll come between 39 and 40 weeks. I am glad that he's doing well enough that my doctor wants to let him stay as long as possible. When I first lost Avery, there was talk of steroid injections to develop the next baby's lungs faster so he or she could be born as early as possible to leave my dangerous womb. But that was before we knew exactly what had caused Avery to die. And that was before Jude was on his way, doing so well, it's astonishing. I'm glad he will have the chance to grow the way he's supposed to, and not chance being born too soon where his eyesight, hearing, learning abilities, etc. may be compromised.

My blood pressure is still perfect, yesterday being 114/77. That's even lower than it's been. My doctor was extremely pleased. She thinks that because of my blood clotting mutations, the placenta with Avery didn't form properly. When she was born, the placenta has holes in it and just looked incredibly unhealthy. We think it formed with clots and that it even passed clots through Avery's cord, blocking blood and nutrient flow, ultimately taking her life. Because of the bad placenta, my doctor thinks my blood pressure was high, my body trying to compensate and work harder in place of the placenta. I was put on medication at 20 weeks to lower my blood pressure, but that didn't fix the placenta. So my doctor thinks that possibly, this new placenta has formed perfectly because I was on Lovenox when it was forming. That my blood pressure has stayed normal because my body is not compensating for anything else. And that is why Jude is doing so well. Because he had what Avery didn't. And there are no blood clots looming to threaten him. Of course this is all theory. We could never know for absolute sure that it's 100% true but based on all the physical evidence, it seems very likely. And it comforts me a lot to think that I may not even have to worry about Jude leaving us at all. That there is no threat to him like there unknowingly was for his precious sister.

My favorite part was at the end when we got to hear Jude's heartbeat. That sound could never get old. I love it so much. My doctor found it immediately which always puts me at ease. I don't like to be reminded of the day when multiple nurses used a doppler searching and searching for several minutes at a time to find Avery. And they never did. So it's nice when Jude is found immediately and I don't have to have those thoughts.

After we left, we were immediately off to my hematologist appointment. I had to get a finger prick so they could test my blood levels. I hate those. I'd rather get a needle in my arm... and I get a shot in my stomach everyday, but those finger pricks make me nervous! Turns out, my platelet levels are at 225 (they were 217 last time) which is still in the normal range of 100-400. When my doctor came in, he was very pleased with all of my levels. He said it all looks perfect. He was very happy and seemed so interested in my pregnancy and how Jude is doing so far. He wanted to know how my previous OB appointment went. He said I'll be put on Heparin in the last four weeks of my pregnancy, maybe even up to three times a day since Heparin doesn't stay in the body as long as Lovenox does. Three shots a day does not sound like a picnic but I don't care. I will do ANYTHING for Jude. I asked the doctor if we're doing everything we can with the shots to make sure all stays well. He believes, based on all the numbers, that the regimen we're following is good. And then I almost cried when he said, "You will be fine."

It's a beautiful when you feel convinced that your baby will survive. Most live without that thought even crossing their mind; it's a given for them. For moms like me, every milestone is cherished and every positive result brings tears. It's not typical. Right now I really feel like Jude will definitely be coming home with us and I like that feeling. I really hope it stays. I even feel physically pregnant this time and I am loving that. I never looked pregnant with Avery and I never got the chance to have the belly. It started weeks ago with Jude and I am feeling pretty big right now, even though I weigh 11 pounds less than I did at the end with Avery. I love feeling pregnant and I look forward to this belly getting even bigger. <3

Last night, Jude was moving around like crazy. It was the very first time that he's moved that much at once. It lasted for several minutes and I was loving it the entire time. I can't wait until I can feel him consistently. I am so in love with him and so grateful for him.

Thank You, God, for Jude's health and his continued growth and thriving. I just can't thank  You enough...

Sweet dreams

I always have crazy dreams when I'm pregnant. With Avery, I used to dream about male celebrities (like Michael Castro and Jason Segel haha!) as if I were some crazy teenager. It was really silly and innocent but I'd tell Daniel about them in the morning and we'd just laugh. With this baby, the dreams are different. Most are odd, but there are definitely many a night.

A few nights ago, however, I had a beautiful dream about this precious little one I carry. In my dream, I was in the hospital, having just given birth. There was no sadness. The baby didn't come early and wasn't born still. I remember thinking how surreal it felt that I was going to hold this baby and hear a cry, see sweet eyes looking at me, see movement, feel warmth. Daniel climbed into the bed next to me as they handed me the baby. It was a girl. I just cried as I looked at her and could not believe she made it here and she was mine. It felt so real in my dream, like I can imagine it happening this way in real life. It was so realistic that I remember my doctor sewing me up as I barely noticed her and stared at my precious baby. Then I called my mom and when she answered, all I said was, "She's here." Strange that my mom wasn't present for the birth, but that's what makes it fantasy! Haha...
I woke up at this point, wishing I didn't have to leave that perfect scene, but fortunately, when I fell back to sleep, the dream continued! Sort of...

I was back in the same hospital room. The baby wasn't with me at the moment, but all was still perfectly well. People were visiting me and there were so many gifts everywhere. This time, the baby was a boy. For some reason, his name was Hayden, as if it just happened that way and I was just going to let it be. While I was looking through some outfits someone dropped off, I realized I could pick the name and it didn't have to be Hayden. I really don't know where my mind got that name. It's not even on my list of favorites. I quickly decided, the baby would be Jude, just as it will be in real life if this little one is a boy.

Towards the end of the dream, I just remember feeling so happy and relieved. That this pregnancy was over and there were no more worries. It felt so amazing to have my child here on earth... with us. I loved it so much.

Of course, the next day and even now, it's left me feeling a bit anxious and impatient for this little love of ours. I do worry some days and that can be tiring. It will be nice when he/she is here and there is no more fear. I know things can happen to a living child here on earth, but at least most things are preventable and there's more control over it. I can't even see my baby to see how he/she is doing. It's scary. Plus, I ache so much to hold this baby, just like I still ache to hold Avery.

I have dreamed of being a mother since I was old enough to play with dolls. It has literally been my one and only dream in life. So much so that I never developed any career goals for myself. This is all I've ever wanted. I will be fully content with my life even if all I ever do with it is be a mother. <3