13 week rambling

I am now 13 weeks pregnant with this precious baby. Just one week left of the first trimester. It's nice to know I'm out of the woods in miscarriage territory, but in my case, that's not the worry here. Yes, I worried a bit anyway (especially when some of my precious fellow BLMs (baby loss moms) miscarried their sweet rainbows) but I know my problem lies later on in pregnancy. I do like to believe that all this baby needs is for my blood to be thinner, which is what my daily injections are doing. Maybe that's all that went wrong for Avery. Blood clots forming in her cord that cut off her nutrients. Maybe that will never happen again now that we know what is wrong with my body. These are the thoughts I have a lot of the time, convincing myself that I'll never know additional loss. And a lot of times I really believe it.

I already feel physically pregnant. Last week, my stomach started to round out a lot more. I'm not tiny to begin with, but with Avery, I didn't think I looked pregnant at all until about 18 weeks. Here I am, at 13 weeks, looking pregnant and not just fat. I would say that means this baby is doing well, on track for size. Avery never was and they never noticed.

I've already been able to find baby's heartbeat with our doppler twice in the past two weeks. I love it so much. But as soon as I find it and Daniel confirms that it's not my pulse that I've found, I just start laughing and lose it again. I can't imagine ever taking that precious heartbeat for granted.

Lately, I'm feeling impatient about finding out baby's gender. I have an appointment with the perinatologist again on May 13th when I'm just two days shy of 20 weeks. I'm pretty sure they'll do another ultrasound and I'd assume they could tell me the sex of the baby by then. That's just a little more than 6 weeks away!! I can't wait to put a name to this little miracle. This little one is such an intimate part of us and it feels so wrong not even knowing the gender or name. People have been asking me if I have any intuition telling me which it'll be. At first I had absolutely no inkling whatsoever, but so many people have been saying they think it's a boy. I guess since then, I have been picturing a boy more, but I still find myself picturing a girl too. I really have no preference. I just want to bring him or her home with us! The only thing that makes me prefer a boy is that I have no girls' names that I'm in love with. I have a list of 'okay' names that I'm not even sure I can fathom using. Our boy name is chosen though. He will be Jude. Just like Avery would have been if she'd been a boy. I've loved that name for at least four years now.

I'm so excited to find out who this little love is. But even more excited to bring him or her home with us to stay. <3

10 week ultrasound

We got to see our sweet little love once again yesterday. It had only been two weeks since the last ultrasound, but it's never soon enough to see that tiny miracle.

We have chosen a different imaging place this time because we feel that the one we went to for Avery's ultrasounds was lacking in knowledge. I feel like they should have noticed that something wasn't right with her. Between her lack of proper growth and the way her umbilical cord looked, they should have noticed something. Anything.

Already, I love this new facility. The staff was very warm and welcoming. And my favorite part? There was a screen hanging in front of me so I could actually see my baby. Other places, I've had to crane my neck from the table to see a screen facing sideways. I always hated that.

I couldn't believe how much the baby has changed in the last two weeks. At eight weeks, the baby was somewhat of a blob. Our little bean. Now, our little one looks like a small teddy bear, all parts distinguishable. I laughed when I saw our baby move, throwing those little hands and legs up in the air! Avery wasn't that active at twelve weeks when we first saw her! This baby looks so healthy, so lively. I felt so much joy watching the little dances. It's so surreal that we have made a second life to cherish. It's so beautiful to witness life dancing inside of me.



The baby's head is to the right, all limbs visible :)

The baby's heartbeat was 176, just two beats less than two weeks ago. The technician was even able to see the umbilical cord, which isn't always visible this early. She really seemed to think that our baby is doing extremely well. I was thrilled when she did the measurements on the baby and he/she is measuring exactly right, to the day. Perfect! That is so beautiful to hear.



This one shows the measurements and the due date... right on!

I absolutely love seeing our little bear. It eases my heart to know he/she is doing so well. I think as I get into the 20th week and start heading to the 25th week when we lost Avery, I may get nervous. But overall I feel very peaceful and excited. It's unbelievable how much I love this baby. I can't wait to find out who I'm loving and put a name to that sweet little image!!

High risk doctor visit

On Friday, the 25th, Daniel and I went to see the University of South Florida's high risk perinatal team. It was a very long wait; we were there for four hours. But it was worth the time because so many of my fears were laid to rest. Plus... we got to see and hear our sweet baby.

The baby isn't big enough for a good picture yet, mostly just a bean-like blob on the screen. But we could see that precious little heart beating as we heard it. That was priceless. I laid there crying. It was somewhat bittersweet. The last time I had an ultrasound on my baby, she was dead... and there was a flatline across the bottom of the screen. I will never forget how that felt. Being on that table let those memories flood back in and I could not help being emotional... especially after hearing the most beautiful sound ever... the sound of my baby's beating heart. 178 beats per minute. Only measuring one day off in size. So perfect. We've already fallen in love.

After more waiting, Daniel and I got to sit down with the doctor. He was very kind and caring. I really liked that about him. He asked what Avery's name was and how we were doing emotionally. I appreciated that so much. He said I'd be having ultrasounds every four weeks and he's going to order extra tests to make sure it's only the two clotting mutations that I have and nothing else that could put this little one in danger. My favorite part was when he said that pregnancies on Lovenox injections are largely successful. That was a beautiful thing to hear. It made me feel so at ease.

When I first found out I was pregnant again, it was easy to feel like we could lose this one just like we did Avery. But now, I see a future for this baby and I feel a confidence that can only be attributed to my faith in God.