Where have I been?

I'll tell you where...

I've been on the computer lots and lots in my spare time, but not for blogging. I mentioned a couple posts ago that I have been writing, to say the least.

I am currently on chapter 17 of my novel. It takes up all my free hours of the night, after Jude goes to bed. Most nights I stay up much too late as the words just flow and the story comes to me. I am loving every bit of this.

After I finish my book, and revise and edit a million times of course, I will be self-publishing it. I am very excited, but also a bit nervous. My book is very special to me. I'm almost certain it's freed me from my debilitating anxiety (not all gone, but I am much more myself now, instead of that psychotic other). I've fallen in love with my characters, and I feel that it is a slightly unique storyline. So, I do worry that people won't like it. It's fine if they don't, I guess... I just worry they'll let me know! I'm not sure I can handle that. But my desire to put it in the hands of people who will enjoy it and fall in love with it far outweighs the fears. Plus, it would be amazing to hold a physical copy of my book in my hands. Dream come true, for sure.

So, that's where I have been. I don't like that I never posted Jude's birthday. He had such a great party and we really enjoyed his day together. Maybe sometime this week I will do a few photo posts to catch up on everything. Not that anyone is pining for it, but because it's nice to look back on these precious times.

Jude's 2 Year Photos {by Mommy}

I purchased a cardboard block letter from Hobby Lobby a couple of weeks ago and painted it red for a little outdoor photo session with Jude on Friday evening. It was terribly hot, Jude wanted to run around and play instead of pose, and he didn't care much for the boring photo prop, but I am definitely satisfied with the shots that I did get of him. It was nearly "golden hour," my favorite time of the day, and my boy was oh so handsome. While I was following him around, snapping away, he randomly gave me a flower for the very first time. This mama's heart was overjoyed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, my beautiful boy.

Writing therapy

As I've mentioned very recently, I have been struggling a lot with my anxiety and have even questioned if I've also been on the verge of depression. It's been an extremely dark and difficult few months, as I had not been able to shake any of these debilitating feelings. 

I always loved to write. Not just blogging or journaling, which I've always enjoyed and liked keeping up with. But fiction. I've always been a reader and I developed an interest in creating my own stories when I was very young. It had been a while since I'd really written anything of merit until about April, when an idea came to me and I ran with it. I'd missed creative writing and bringing characters to life. Creating people that readers fall in love with and care about. I wanted to write the kind of story I would want to read. Something that stays with you long after you put it down. Something that can bring you to tears. Something special and emotional, like the novels John Green writes. 

And so it is, that I am on chapter 11 of my first real substantial novel. Some days it's all I can think about. Because I've invested myself in this story, I have not been focusing on the troubles in my life that ail me. I find joy in the reactions of those closest to me that I have been sharing my pages with. I am moving them with my story and I love that. I thrive on it. It's been making me so happy lately and I haven't felt this good in months. I'm falling in love with characters that don't even exist, and bringing them to life, giving them a story. I love it. 

I'm not sure what will come of my novel. I've been looking into publishing it independently, even as just an e-book. If I'm being honest, I think it's just as good as books out there, and better than a lot I've read. Maybe I'm biased. ;) But I think it could be something... and a lot of people could enjoy it. 

Regardless of what it becomes, I'm grateful to have something I can feel good about, an outlet that I can enjoy. Something that makes me feel happy and helps me forget the things that bring me down. I'm grateful for the gift of creativity. 

Jude's 2nd Haircut

We finally gave in and decided to let go of Jude's longer hair. It's been a while since anyone has mistaken him for a girl, so that's not the reason this time, but lately, during his baths, when all of his hair is slicked back, wet, away from his little face, I'd been wishing he could look like that all the time. We bought him some kids hair gel, but it was just too long to stay any way we styled it. We already know what Jude looks like at this age with long hair, but not with short, cute, styled hair. That was how I decided to part with Jude's returning curls once again. Tonight, we had our hairdresser sister-in-law, Margaret, cut it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A part of me was afraid I'd regret having Jude's hair cut so short, but when I saw how cute he looked with his hair styled, I fell in love all over again. He looks so different! But oh so handsome. I love his little face. You can definitely see it (and his little ears and sweet little neck) much better! I love my little cutie!

New Ink

I finally did it! I got my tattoo for my little boy. I've been wanting to get his name done for quite some time now. After much font searching and deciding, I got it done Tuesday, the 19th. I love it. Now I've got tributes to both of my children and that makes me very happy.

I'm so proud of Jude. He is the light of my life. He is the joy in my heart. He is my world. His name so delicately etched on my arm is my way to honor him and his importance in my life. He saved me from my despair. He was strong and stayed here with me. He is my little hero. I can't even express how much I love him. He graces this world with every little smile. I know he's going to do amazing things. I'm proud to bear his name on my skin.

Day 10: Together Again

I found this quote on Pinterest recently and I've fallen in love with it. Nothing delights my heart more than the thought of being with Avery and sharing my life with her. To think that she is aware of me and loves me as deeply as I love her brings me joy.

I am comforted by picturing her in Heaven, as a beautiful little girl, running and laughing through that field of wildflowers, like the kind that grow here along the roads as Spring rolls in, during golden hour when the sun is low and everything is bathed in a glorious light. In this daydream, she knows me. She remembers that she's mine. She's just my curious, excited daughter, running ahead to explore, trying to catch a butterfly that's almost as pretty as she is.

One day, my time will come and I will leave this world. I'll find myself at the edge of that field of flowers and my eyes will find my Avery, smiling and laughing. I will know her immediately because she is mine. Immediately my heart will be whole. She will turn around and her face will light up, brighter than Heaven's sky, when her eyes meet her mama's. She'll run toward me, her curls glowing. Then finally, I will take her in my arms once again, tears of awaited joy streaming down my face. Her embrace will erase all the earthly pain I have endured without her. It'll be just a foggy distant remnant of my brief life on Earth. Avery and I will walk off, hand in hand, to sing with the angels and bask in the company of Jesus.

This will be our eternity, together forever, a Heavenly family, slowly joined by all those we love, and finding those we've lost before. This endless time of perfect beauty will one day be reality. Avery is already a part of it, taking it all in. She's just waiting for me across the field.

Day 5: Happy Memories

In early March of 2010, Daniel and I tagged along on a fun outing to celebrate his father's birthday. Daniel's brother and sister came along too. We went to place that had a go cart track, rides, and arcade games. I was 24 weeks pregnant with Avery so I wasn't allowed on any of the rides-- not even the little carousel!

It was a beautiful day. The weather was perfect. I spent a lot of time sitting by myself while I waited for Daniel and his family to finish each ride. I didn't mind waiting. I sat there thinking about my sweet baby, dreaming of her arrival. Dreaming of holding her and seeing her face. I felt so content even through my impatience. I can't believe how vividly I remember sitting there, watching the carousel, picturing that one day my little girl would ride one, laughing and smiling. I pictured her with curls like her dad.

Every few minutes, Daniel would speed by me on the go cart track and each time he would smile real big and blow me a kiss as he passed by. I loved seeing him enjoy himself and have fun. At the time, he was working three jobs so leisure time was scarce. But his joyful grins and boyish excitement made me so happy that day, knowing all of the beautiful moments that were ahead of us with coming birth of our first baby.

We all had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. I had chicken fajitas with lots of guacamole, one of my most common cravings when I was pregnant with Avery. I remember as we walked to the car, Daniel's sister asked me what baby kicks feel like. And I told her they feel exactly what you'd think they feel like. I didn't know she should have been kicking much harder than that by then. And I didn't know I'd stop feeling her in just a matter of days.

But on this day, all of those horrors were far away in the unknown, not yet a part of reality or my world. I like to think back to the days before I knew this could happen to us. Before I knew we'd have to face life without her and all of the things we thought we would share with her. I like to remember the joy and the excitement and not only remember the pain and the grief. Avery deserves that. She should never be diminished to a source of agony or a sad story. She is my firstborn, the first to hear my heartbeat from the inside. She made me a mother and she will always be the joy of my heart.

18 Months Old

Jude is 18 months old today. How is that even possible? A year and a half already? He will be two in six months?!

Life is flying by much too quickly these days, ever since Jude was born, it seems. I wish the weeks would pass as slowly as they did when I was pregnant with him. Those weeks seemed to last forever, waiting with bated breath for what may or may not come. Waiting for joy or sorrow, but actually receiving both. And then -BAM- time took off on hyper speed as soon as he arrived and it hasn't slowed down. And it's been 18 months since I looked down at that tiny baby boy for the first time. It sure doesn't feel like it's been that long. I don't know how he's gotten so big already.

Our sweet boy is walking! He is walking so much lately. He still falls frequently so we don't really let him walk on his own in public, but when we are at home, he's mostly on foot and can make his way across the entire house without stumbling. I am very proud of my little boy. I worry too much about his milestones as a preemie, so this accomplishment is monumental. But, with the way I love him, everything is monumental. I love his toddle. The way he waddles with those little legs and feet, with his arms up to keep his balance. I love how he gets excited and knows he's doing something new and great.

Another of Jude's latest developments is his obsession with blowing kisses. He does it so often. Sometimes I catch him kissing his toys, complete with exaggerated "mwah!" (His sounds more like "mah!") Sometimes he goes over to the door and starts blowing kisses because he knows that's what he does when he leaves somewhere. Maybe that's his way of saying he wants to go outside, which is another thing he absolutely loves to do.

This boy is so incredible. I'm watching his sense of humor and his personality bloom more and more each day. His silly scrunched up faces never fail to make me laugh. He doesn't really talk yet (aside from "mama" and "dada"), but he makes a lot of sounds and I know he's smart. He's healthy and his home is filled with so much love. That's really all that matters.

Flashback : 1.21.11

Today, two years ago (two years already?!), we found out I was pregnant with Jude. I remember it so well, still. Such an amazing and unbelievable day.

It was so difficult, trying again for another baby, when we were supposed to be raising our little girl but weren't. The fear mixed with the excitement mixed with the frustration. Not only was I trying for something I was supposed to already have, it was taking longer than it should. For couple who struggle with infertility, I know nine cycles is a dream. But for me, who is supposedly "normal" is that department, it was just another nagging thing. I can't imagine being one of those women who get pregnant on the first try... or even on accident. I can't fathom how that's possible.

So today, two years ago, as soon as I got up that morning, I dragged Daniel into our bathroom and took a test. I wanted to just put myself out of my misery and see that we failed yet another month. I thought it would be easier for the test to tell me than to wait for my body to. We stood there for just seconds, it seemed, as the little hourglass displayed on the digital screen. Suddenly, there was just one beautiful and alarming, glorious and terrifying word: Pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I let out a joyful shriek and threw my arms around Daniel. It was the beginning of a lovely and scary journey that would end in both victory and defeat.

Pregnancy after loss is such a rollercoaster of emotions. In one moment, you can feel both excited and scared. Both confidence and doom. The bliss is gone, but there's still so much joy in carrying life again, in the same exact spot where there was so much loss. I remember I used to think about how strange it was to have Jude dancing around where Avery died. That his heart beat exactly where hers stopped. He is the only person to be in the very place where she lived, and the very place she passed away.

Her death saved his life... Her death is the reason he is even here, just as he is. I never would have gotten pregnant two Januaries ago if Avery had lived. She'd only be 2 1/2 right now if she'd made it to her due date, so I doubt we'd even have another baby by now. Even when we would give Avery a sibling, in this alternate universe where she never died, it wouldn't be the Jude we know now. He would be a completely different person. It's crazy to think of that. I'd never change Jude, but I wish Avery was here.

I'm so grateful how everything turned out with my second pregnancy, despite the new horrors that came with it. Standing in my bathroom with that positive test in my hand, I was not promised that our second baby would make it here alive. There was so much left to uncertainty. So much fear and worry. So much hope and joy. I've never prayed more in my life than I did when I was pregnant with Jude. Most days, I begged God for his life. I thank God He brought Jude here safely, even if it was too early and not the experience I dreamed of. I'm so glad this day in our history is still a happy day, the day we found out our boy was coming.

"Mighty glad you stayed..."

Jude's 2nd Christmas

Jude makes everything amazing. His presence enhances even the smallest detail of a day. He adds joy where it's missing. This year, Christmas was a bit of a sore spot in our family with Poppop gone. It was our first Christmas without him. Poppop always loved Christmas and you could see the joy on his face as he sat back and watched his large family enjoy his gifts and each other. There was definitely a void this Christmas Eve... I'm so grateful Jude is here to distract us from those that are always missing. My little girl. My grandpa. Holidays can be rough, but they can also be so beautiful.

Jude with my amazing cousin, Rachel

 

 

My sweet Grammy and my Dad. She looked so beautiful in her lovely new coat. She kept talking about how much she enjoyed watching her family and she marveled at the fact that all of the people in the room were there because of her and Poppop. So many lives exist because the two of them came together. What an amazing thing to accomplish in life, to build such a legacy through such a large family. What an honorable thing to do with your life. I wish I could do the same!

 

 

Our family. This was the best we could get Jude to cooperate. There were way cooler things going on at the moment than smiling for yet another photo! ;)

 

 

Beautiful boy in his Santa jammies.

 

 

My parents got Jude some very wonderful gifts. Of course, he loved playing with the wrapping paper and boxes, like most children do! He seemed more interested in opening presents when they were in my room waiting for him for Christmas, than when they were purposely put before him to open. But that's okay! I'm sure he will tear into them next year!

 

 

Jude loved his new truck from my parents! He laughed and squealed the entire time we pushed him around in it. I love his joy.

 

 

Christmas dinner with Daniel's family. Jude enjoyed his fun gifts from Daniel's parents. He loves "singing" into that microphone!

 

Another Christmas has quickly come and gone. I'm a bit sad that it's already over and we're returning to normal life. I can't believe 2012 is coming to an end. It's been another crazy year. Hoping next year will finally be the uneventful year we've been waiting for! Regardless, I love my little family and I love sharing life with them. There's nothing better!

 

 

Wild Wonderland

Last night, Daniel and I took Jude to Lowry Park Zoo, where they had their Christmas event, Wild Wonderland. The moment we walked through the gate, we knew we'd made a good choice. I hadn't known what to expect. I hadn't been to the zoo since I was a kid. But they went above and beyond my expectations and the night was amazing! Jude loved every little bit, even for a 16 month old. It felt magical and exciting, the perfect thing to do as a little family enjoying Christmas time.

 

 Just like last year, Jude didn't show much interest in Santa, maintaining a straight face the entire time. He did seem a little confused as to why we were handing him off to some strange, hairy, red and white character. I wonder what he thinks of all these things. :)

 Jude also got to experience his very first ride last night! The three of us rode the carousel together. Jude got to ride a zebra and he loved it so much. We could just see the excitement and enjoyment on his face as he gripped the bar and kicked his legs. He looked all around at the lights as the zebra went up and down and we went around and around. I savored the simple moment, just watching his face.

A random stranger was nice enough to stop and ask if she could take our picture for us. I thought that was so kind of her. She told us Merry Christmas and that we were the cutest little family. How nice that there is still warmth in the world, when lately it seems so full of cold darkness.

Jude's absolute favorite part of the night was the fake snow flurries. They were really little sud clusters, but they really did look like snowflakes. Jude kept reaching up for them and trying to grab them. It was the highlight of my night, again watching the joy on his little face, experiencing something new and exciting for the first time.

The night went so quickly. I wished it could have lasted forever! We will definitely be making this an annual trip!

I love sharing these special moments with Jude. It's so beautiful. To be a parent and watch your child learn the world for the first time. To experience things he's never seen. It's the greatest gift there is.