The entire week since my last entry, I spent feeling uneasy. I was still on bed rest for my high blood pressure and I was letting it worry me. I worried about Jude and whether he was being affected or not. I checked my blood pressure several times a day and obsessed over Jude's movements. On Thursday, July 28th, I had an OB appointment. My BP was really high so my doctor had me do a non-stress test (NST) there in the office. I had to press a button each time I felt Jude move and he wasn't super active. But his heartbeat was great. My doctor then sent me to the hospital to have a biophysical profile (BPP) ultrasound done, just to make sure Jude was still doing well.
I went to the BPP and Jude looked great. The tech said she found everything she needed to find and all looked well. Despite getting a good result, I still felt a bit worried. I didn't like having high BP. I had it with Avery and things ended very badly after that.
Friday, I felt pretty good. A bit calmer. And thank God, I had Daniel take some cute photos of me on my parents' back patio. I had no idea they'd be the last photos of me pregnant with Jude.
Saturday, July 30th, is when things changed. The early part of the day was fine, but as it went on, I really felt like Jude wasn't moving as often as he usually did. I even felt like his movements were softer as well. But then I wondered if I was just paranoid. My aunt was over and was talking to me about my baby shower but it just made me feel depressed... like I felt worried that my shower wouldn't happen. That something was going to happen to Jude and he wouldn't make it til then. It was a sick feeling that I absolutely hated. It wasn't quite like the crazy intuition that I had with knowing something was wrong with Avery, but it didn't feel like nothing. I went into the bathroom and I cried. And I begged God to let me keep Jude. I felt so scared.
Daniel kept checking my BP and it was really high each time. We decided that I should go to the hospital again, just to make sure everything was alright. And to get some peace of mind that Jude was safe, if nothing else. I got admitted around 8pm. I had a nurse that I had when Avery was born. She remembered us and so many specific things about Avery's birth day. It meant so much to us.
Being hooked up to the monitor, Jude sounded good and normal. But I still felt nervous about him and whether my body was harming him or not. My BP stayed kind of high for the next couple hours. My doctor decided to just have me stay the night for monitoring, mostly for my own peace of mind because she knew I was nervous. The night passed peacefully and I felt safe there. I was grateful to not be at home worrying on my own.
The next day, Sunday, July 31st, I had my favorite nurse ever, Daniele. She was there for me during what happened with Avery. She was the one who told us Avery was gone and sat with me and wiped my tears. So even now, she is special to me and we have a special bond. I was thrilled that I got to have her take care of me.
Sometime in the morning, my doctor had me go for a BPP and cord doppler, to check the blood pressure in the cord. The tech said that Jude looked really good but she still had to figure out the results of the cord doppler. I went back to my room with Daniel, feeling a lot better seeing Jude and knowing he looked well. I figured I'd be leaving that evening, after my 24 hour urine collection was completed. (Yuck, sorry)
But not too much later, right before 11am, Daniele came into the room and she seemed like something was up. She grabbed a chair and put it next to my bed. She asked me where Daniel was. I knew that meant she had something really important to say. I told her he was in the restroom and I think she could tell I started to freak out in my head. She didn't make me wait for Daniel. She just came out and told me... "Jude did really good on the BPP... but the cord doppler came back elevated... The blood pressure in the cord is high... so Jude is going to be born today." I couldn't believe it. Daniel came out of the restroom and Daniele asked him if he was ready to be a father again. He thought she was just joking when she said Jude was coming. Oh but it was true!
Daniele explained things to us. Jude still looked good and healthy but what was happening with the placenta and the cord would begin to affect him if they didn't act immediately. My doctor would be there to do a c-section at noon, just an hour from then. She explained that I would have to be put under because of my blood issues and my blood being too thin. If I had a spinal, I could bleed out. And because I was being put under, Daniel wasn't allowed in the operating room. That's when I started to cry. I would not be there for my baby's birth. That was bad enough. But then Daniel wouldn't be there either? I absolutely hated it. I felt so sad for us, that my pregnancy was ending so suddenly and so early and that it wasn't going to be anything like we've dreamed.
I called my mom and told her to come immediately. It was a much better call than when I had to tell her Avery was gone! She was surprised Jude was coming but seemed so calm to me. I needed that. She later told me she was pretty much freaking out. I don't blame here, it was a big deal!
It didn't take long for Daniele and some other nurses to start preparing me for my surgery. Because I was being put under, they had to put my catheter in before I was knocked out. They wouldn't be able to take the time to do it after because Jude would need to come out as soon as possible before the anestesia affected him. I can't go into detail but that was one of the single most painful moments of my life. That was followed by getting my IV put in. Two veins blew out before finally getting the third to work.
After all of that, things calmed down a bit. I laid there, feeling Jude kick and dance. I started to cry because I knew these were the last moments that I would ever feel him inside me. I loved being pregnant with him. I cherished every second. I felt like he was being taken away from me. It was just too soon. I worried it would be too soon for him too, and that he wouldn't be okay. It was so hard not to worry and feel sad, to feel like I was losing my pregnancy.
Before I knew it, I was being wheeled out of my room and into the OR. It was hard to say bye to Daniel. I had to get up off my bed and get onto the small operating table. I laid there, crying, wishing I could be a part of my son's birth. His life was so special and such a miracle and I wouldn't be able to witness it at all. I could hear Daniele encouraging me as she helped my doctor prepare. It seemed like there were so many people in the room. It didn't take long to prep me. Before I knew it, the anestesiologist was looming over me and I felt myself fade away.
Waking up from surgery is one of the worst feelings, physicially. My first thought was how thirsty I felt. My mouth was so dry and my throat was so raw from being intubated. I could feel the pain in my stomach from the c-section. And suddenly I felt the need to cough, my throat itchy from having a tube shoved down it during the surgery. It was agonizing to cough. I don't remember a whole lot that was said around me, but I know Daniele was there. They were trying to get another IV in my arm because I had lost a lot of blood during my c-section. I needed a plasma transfusion. Because I have MTHFR and Factor II clotting disorders, I'd been on Lovenox blood thinning shots for my entire pregnancy. This was the reason for my bleeding issue during surgery. It was supposed to take 20 minutes, but ended up taking an hour and a half. It's weird to think I was in any kind of danger. I'm glad I had no idea about it until it was over.
I was then wheeled back into my room. Mine and Daniel's families were in there waiting for me. I barely recall seeing them. I remember balloons. I was trying so hard to stay awake but it was difficult. Everyone left to let me sleep off what I'd just been through. That's good, because I probably would've been embarrassed to have them all there looking at me!
While I slept, Jude was being stablized in the NICU. He did not need any ventilator for his breathing. He was breathing on his own! All he needed was a little bit of oxygen, just 35%. The rest he was getting by himself. They gave him a dose of surfactant to further help his lungs. The steroid shots I received the week before were a miracle. They were probably the reason Jude was breathing so well so soon. They also put in an IV for nutrients and antibiotics and a tube down into his stomach to drain any air or leftover fluid. He was also of course hooked up to monitor his heart rate, oxygen level, and respirations. When all of this was finally done, and Jude was safe and well, he was allowed to have a little meet and greet with our families. Daniel was the only one who really got to see him after he was born. One of the nurses let him kind of hold Jude for a few seconds before he'd been whisked off to the NICU.
I knew beforehand that I'd be the last to meet our son, but I was okay with that. I mean, I wasn't thrilled by it, but I didn't want everyone else to have to wait. I wanted them to be able to meet this precious little one that they have been waiting for and praying for too.
It wasn't until 1:30am August 1st, 13 hours after he was born, that I finally got to see our baby boy. I spent the day in so much pain. And it was agony to get out of my bed and into the wheelchair but somehow I did it.
I was beyond thrilled to see Jude. But to be honest, the moment was not what I expected. From my point of view in the wheelchair, it was hard to really get a good look at Jude. I was in so much pain, it was hard to sit there and enjoy anything. Plus, I was falling asleep and struggling to stay awake. Then, to add to it, a phlebotomist came in while I was visiting my son for the first time to draw blood from me. Could it not wait a few minutes?? So I do feel like that moment was kind of ruined by a lot of different factors. But nonetheless, it was still a dream come true to have a living, breathing baby that belonged to me.
I finally got my moment the following day (actually just much later that same day) when I got to hold Jude for the first time.
He was now in his incubator, what they call an Isolette, looking much better. I'd still been battling the sadness of no longer being pregnant. It was hard to feel like Jude was here when I was spending all my time in pain in a hospital room and he was not with me. But it changed so much, when I got him in my arms.
And I cried. I cried because I felt so much love. Because I have waited for this for so long. And because I lost this with Avery. Yes, I got to hold her, but it wasn't the same. She was already gone. But Jude is very much here and well. To feel his warmth and movement. To hear his breath and his sounds. To see his eyes. It's amazing and it's beautiful. He's beautiful.
I spent the next few days in the hospital, finally leaving on Wednesday, August 3rd. I still feel sentimental about deflated belly, missing feeling Jude and how big he made me. I've got lots of physical bruises and a new abdominal scar, but my heart is also feeling more whole. I haven't felt happiness like this since I was pregnant with Avery and knew nothing but bliss. It is hard leaving Jude in the NICU and not having him with me, but he still brings so much joy, and I know he will come home with us.
Thank You, Lord, for bringing our precious boy here safely!
