Avery was here

We never got a birth certificate or a death certificate when we lost Avery. I knew she didn't qualify for a birth certificate since she was not born alive, but a long while back, I did some research about death certificates. Surely, there had to be some documentation of a baby born still.

I found out that you can obtain a 'Birth resulting in stillbirth' certificate if you have a certified death certificate on file. Not all states follow this, unfortunately, but Florida does. I always hated that the only official proof Avery was here is her grave stone. So, a few months ago, I finally contacted the funeral home that took care of her to see what they could do for me.

I was very confused and dismayed to find that Avery doesn't qualify for a certified death certificate because she wasn't "old enough" when she died. She was past the point of viability if born early and she was also "old enough" to be considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage. She was delivered just like a living baby. Stupidly, and I guess as a defense mechanism, I didn't ask further questions. I gratefully accepted the favor of an uncertified death certificate for Avery. It came in the mail yesterday, two years and three months after we lost her. While it is horrifying to receive a death certificate with your child's name on it, it brings so much closure and peace somehow.

This probably doesn't help my case that Avery counts, but I don't need anyone to tell me she does. I carried life inside of me for 25 weeks. I gave birth to a very wanted, very loved baby girl with perfect hands and feet, a sweet little nose and precious lips, who looked just like her Daddy.

I don't care that this document isn't certified. It states that my daughter was born and that she died. It is in writing. Avery was here.

Fathers Day

Days that celebrate parenthood are not easy for parents who have lost a child. These days are half empty and yet another chance for people to disappoint. I sit here and think about how cynical and pessimistic that sounds. I wish I could just gush on and on about how lovely it is to celebrate being a parent and that days like Mothers Day and Fathers Day are full of joy. Truth be told, I hate them. I love Jude and I love being his mother. Daniel loves being his father. But for us, Sunday was another jab in the side hissing that half of our children are dead.

The day began with Daniel awake at 5am, unable to sleep thinking about our little girl. I hurt so much for him. I think I can take it when I hurt, but I hate when he does. I wish I could feel it all for the both of us. We talked about Avery a lot throughout the day and we even paged through the journal of letters we both wrote to her, dating back to six months before she was even conceived. It made me cry to read Daniel's words to our daughter, having no idea she wouldn't make it here alive.

But no matter what, Daniel is Avery's father, just as much as he is Jude's father. The years don't erase her and neither does her brother. After all, Jude is alive because of her. I find myself always and forever having to justify that Avery matters, that she counts. Because just as I feared, someone said 'Happy first Fathers Day' to Daniel. To watch the life drain from his face when he heard the well-intended greeting broke my heart as I felt myself deflate. He looked at me helplessly, pain welling in his eyes. And you just say nothing when that happens... because "they don't realize" or because "they mean well."

And that's when I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy... If the multitudes of people like me are crazy because we love our children so deeply even in death. If loving our little girl who was our own flesh and blood is crazy, if loving our little girl who is waiting for us in Heaven is crazy, then so be it. This is our life, our story, our family. No one else has the right to decide or judge how many children we have. I'm tired of defending it. But more so, I'm tired of finding she's been forgotten by so many.

Despite the pain these days bring, they also bring gratitude for Jude's precious life. We could never let the grief shadow the joy he brings us each and every day. It is so easy to celebrate him and rejoice over him. It's strange how conflicting emotions can coexist. But we are proof that they can.

Daniel is such a wonderful father to both Avery and Jude. He is so loving and gentle. I love watching him care for Jude, just like he so tenderly cared for Avery. To watch my boys be buddies and love on each other is such a gift. These three lives that are stitched to mine are such precious gifts. Daniel works so hard for us and gives so much of his time and love to us. Jude is so blessed, that he will grow up with such a beautiful role model in his father. I am so thankful for that.



Happy 3rd Fathers Day, Daniel. I love you more than life.

Beautiful Boy

I love how taking the camera outside on a lazy evening can give us so many gorgeous new photos to add to our beloved collection. I couldn't begin to imagine how many photos we already have of Jude in his 10 months. I could never have enough!

On Sunday, Daniel and I took Jude out into my parents' backyard and took "a few" photos. I just love how they turned out. Our little boy is so beautiful.

Jason & Melissa's Wedding {6.2.12}

Last Saturday, my cousin, Jason, got married, and Daniel and I pretended to be professional photographers for the day. If I'm being honest, we could probably get a decent business going, but I really enjoy taking photos for fun. I actually get pretty anxious and nervous about taking pictures for people. It made a difference though that I was doing this for family and that Daniel was with me, shooting as a team. It wasn't as scary as I anticipated. It was the second wedding I've shot and I'm definitely proud of what we captured.

Jason and Melissa's day was very sweet. So many personal little touches. They looked great and it was wonderful to see them so happy together. It made me miss my wedding and being newlyweds(Before life got crazy and cruel, of course). I'm so thrilled for them; they're so good together. It was really a fun night... and when it was over, I had a new cousin. :)