Avery's 3rd Birthday

{To read Avery's birth story, written on her first birthday, please click here.}

I am sure I've already said it but I still can't believe it's been three years since Avery came silently into this world. It sounds so much longer ago than it feels.

Avery's day this year was gentler at first than I expected. Daniel, Jude, and I went out for the day. We stopped at Old Navy to buy Jude a shirt for St. Patrick's Day this weekend. Daniel and I can never help browsing over the girls' clothes, and today was no exception. I mentally pick out outfits I wish I could buy for Avery... ones that could hang in her closet... ones I would love to wash a fold... ones I'd give anything to watch her run and play in.

We settled on a green polo for Jude, since the boys' section is almost always lacking the same kind of cuteness as the girls' clothes. From there, we had lunch together at Texas Roadhouse. It's always strange going out on this day... We're not celebrating something... not quite. But in my family, we always go out for dinner on our birthdays and I guess I don't want Avery's to be an exception.

When I'm out in public on this day, I can't help but think about how isolated I feel, watching strangers around me. They have no idea that this day is the day I gave birth to my dead daughter. As the host asked me how I was, and I generically answered, "Fine, how are you?" he had no clue what today actually was for me and how I actually am. When the waitress thanked us at the end of our meal and told us to have a great night, she had no idea we'd be spending the evening in a cemetery, releasing balloons for our absent baby girl. I know everyone has their own story and their own trials and pains, but so often, I feel so alone. I feel like there aren't many people like me around here, in my day to day life.

After we ate, we stopped at Michael's to buy Avery some decorations for her stone. Jude was getting bored so Daniel took him outside. I browsed the aisle's on my own, picking out a few Easter decorations for next week. I remembered to check out the yard decor section. As I looked through, finding a pretty white ceramic bird on clearance, I thought about how pathetic it was that I was shopping for my daughter's birthday presents in the garden section... that essentially, we get to buy her lawn ornaments. It's an empty feeling, really. But it's all we have. It's the only way we can take care of her and treat her.

Next came Publix, the grocery store, for balloons, fresh flowers, and a small cake. This part always stresses me out. I don't like being asked whose birthday it is. I don't like having to feel the awkwardness that ensues when I answer honestly that the balloons are for a release for our daughter. I am aware that I don't have to disclose anything about the function, but in past times when I have tried to be vague, it has backfired and turned out worse than just telling the basic truth. Thankfully, the woman who filled the balloons, the woman at the bakery, and the cashier didn't pry. Jude even got his own little balloon to keep him busy while we waited for the 13 we needed. It was his first balloon and we had to tie it to his belt loop.

My family and Daniel's met at the cemetery at 7:00 pm. My cousin, Rachel, came this year, which I loved. She and I have grown extra close in the past year. I'm almost 12 years older than her, but as she's growing up, she's quickly becoming a close friend. Even though she's only 17, and not even a mother, she somehow has this compassion and understanding for the life I live. She's very sensitive to it and she loves Avery as if she knew her inside and out. Not many people care the way she does and I cherish that.

We each wrote a message for Avery on our balloons. Jude wanted to explore so it was a bit more difficult this year, but we managed. I'm usually surprisingly affected by releasing the balloons to Heaven but I was too distracted this time. I guess that makes it easier. We decorated Avery's spot with some pink roses, a tiara, a bird statue, a new pinwheel, and a pink stuffed bunny. I think it looked very sweet, though of course not as sweet as she would have looked if she was here to enjoy her birthday.

 

We take a family photo each year in front of Avery's plot. This year, it didn't turn out so well. Jude had no interest in posing. It was windy and chilly and getting dark. And we just weren't in the genuine smile mood. I guess this photo shows our mood quite well. But it's real. And I like that.

My dad took us out for pizza afterwards and that was nice. No matter how "well" the day goes, it's still not what I wish it was. It's never going to be what it's supposed to be. That's the problem. March 13th should mean nothing to us. Avery was supposed to be born at the end of June. She was supposed to be my summer baby. But instead, we're stuck with the "should have beens" and "what ifs" and Sharpie scrawled balloons in a cold cemetery at dusk to "celebrate" her birthday. I can't get over how ugly that is. I can't get over how scarring and wrong it is to survive her.

So each year, and every day in between, we remember her. We honor our daughter because that's all we can do. We are left with almost nothing. We cling to all the pieces we can. Keeping her alive through these special dates, remembering the short time she was here, beneath my heart, is the least we can do for the little girl who changed our world. She made me a mother, made Daniel a father. She waits for us in Heaven. We will hold her again. So I won't forget her. I won't stop loving her and missing her. She is mine.

Happy birthday, sweet Avery... As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Day 8: Tribute

In the early days, reaching out to other mothers like myself was very comforting. There was something therapeutic in having someone who understood the pain. Through our blogs and then later Facebook, we banded together and tried to help each other somehow feel better. We did whatever we could to remind each other that our babies are important to this world, no matter how long they lived, whether they took a breath on this Earth or not. We all needed that so terribly.

One of the biggest ways we honored each other's children was writing their names and taking a photo. One day, while at the beach, I wrote as many names in the sand that I could think of and took photos. I posted them on Facebook, tagging the mothers of those sweet babies. They loved it. And I loved making them happy, if just for a moment. The photos that I have received have been such a blessing to me. I've printed them and added them to Avery's much too short photo album. The fact that someone who doesn't even know me in real life thought of my precious daughter and took the time to write her name and photograph it has such an impact.

I've asked my followers on Instagram if they would do the same in honor of Avery's 3rd birthday. As these years pass, it's easy to feel like people forget. The pain of Avery's absence is still so present for us. It's not ever going to go away. So I felt like I needed a boost. Some proof that people do care about her. A sweet gesture that can bring some comfort on these hard days, that each year, take me further and further away from her.

I thought I would ask here on my blog as well, if anyone reading is interested in contributing a photo with Avery's name, I'd love to post it here in a few days along with the Instagram submissions. They can be as simple or creative as you want. No pressure! ;) They can be emailed to nicolefeller@gmail.com (or posted on Instagram under the hashtag #myaverynicole). Thanks!

Thank you, CarlyMarie, Kristin, & Kalialani

Capture Your Grief : Day 21 // Sacred space

We have a special little place in our home for certain Avery mementos. Underneath two large photos taken the day she was born, is a small shelf. There sits our Avery Bear (made by Molly Bears), wearing a heart necklace with Avery's name on it that we got in Gatlinburg, Tennessee back in March. There's a pink letter 'A' I got at Hobby Lobby. A framed photo of her -- my absolute favorite. The frame has a little pinwheel on it since they are special to us and remind us of her. There's a Willow Tree figure called 'Angel of Freedom' holding a butterfly in her hands. My mom bought it for us since butterflies are so significant to us. There's a ceramic little baby girl shoe that says 'Jesus Loves Me' on it. Avery's name and birthday are written on the bottom. Daniel's mom gave it to us when Avery was born. Then there's a little glass teddy bear with wings holding a blue heart for March's birthstone. There's a pretty purple butterfly hanging right above the shelf and recently, Daniel made an origami butterfly that hangs over the entire display.

I don't prefer to call this a shrine. It's just our tribute to our little girl. There's no way of knowing if we'll always keep it there, but for now, it's a way to keep her mark in our home since she can't be here like she's supposed to be.

Capture Your Grief : Day 5 // Memorial

There are several things that exist in Avery's memory. We have a small shelf that holds special things like her photo and her Molly Bear. A pretty box filled with mementos still sits on my dresser. But I think the one thing that serves as the biggest memorial to her is her grave stone. It's a testament to the world that she was here. It's the most official tangible evidence that she was ours for a time here on Earth. And it rests where she does. Her grave was such a place of comfort and solace in the early raw days. Daniel and I knew she wasn't there, just the shell of her tiny body, but it still made us feel closer to her. Such a peaceful place to sit and miss her. To dream about her 'would have been's.