NICU visit {7.13.12}

It had been ten months and twelve days since we stepped out of the NICU for the very last time. That last long trip down that endless hall of labor and delivery. Bringing Jude out with us into the light of day for the very first time. And we've meant to go back but time slips away in such an unreal manner lately. I feel like I'm living my life in fast forward. It just goes much too quickly.

On July 13th, Daniel and I finally brought Jude back to the hospital where I had both him and Avery. I wanted to visit my favorite nurse, Daniele, who has always played such a special role in both of my birth stories. She is the one who sat down with Daniel and I and told us that Avery was gone (even though we already knew). She was the one who got me settled in my room to induce to deliver Avery. She shared with us, the story of the sweet baby she lost and we bonded over that. I saw that there could be a light at the end of such a devastating blow. If Daniele was still standing, then I knew one day I would get back on my feet as well. She and I kept in touch over the next year. Then, when I was having issues during my pregnancy with Jude, Daniele was there again. She was the one who told me he would be born early... that he'd be coming "in about an hour." She helped prep me for my emergency c-section. She was there when Jude was born and she was the one who took the first photos of him. Daniele took me to see my sweet boy for the first time. She was there in the coming weeks, when we'd come visit our baby. Daniele made sure to come visit me when I ended up in the hospital with pulmonary embolisms. She took care of me so much. There to comfort me and make me laugh, even in the darkest of times. She is amazing and I am so grateful to know her.

And then it was off to the NICU. It was so odd to walk down that hall again, like we had countless times last summer. The smell, the slight chill in the air, the sounds. All so incredibly familiar. It suddenly didn't feel like it had been so long since we'd last roamed these halls daily, praying for that phase of our lives to end. For this place to no longer be a reluctant second home.

It was so strange, yet so oddly normal picking up that phone and requesting to be let into the NICU. Daniele had told them we were coming to visit, so they let us right in. I can't even describe how it felt to see that long room again, stretched out before us. The soft light, the calm quiet mixed with the sounds of fragile life, the isolettes, the beeping and chiming monitors. It almost felt like we never left. It almost felt like home. So familiar and normal. Yet distant and vague.

The nurses couldn't believe their eyes when they saw Jude. They all made such a fuss over him; how much he's grown and how healthy he looks. He's like a different baby. It was nice to hear that we did such a great job with him, even though all we've done is love him and take care of him.

Sonal, one of our favorite nurses, was there. She was the one who cut Jude's cord when he was born. She took care of him a lot when he was there in the NICU, and we liked her very much.

It was great to see her and a few of the other nurses, and to tell them how Jude is doing, what he likes, and all the amazing things he can do. ;) He's come such a long way. I love how they still cared about him, even after all this time. Nicole, one of the nurses, ran into their break room and grabbed the thank you card and photos I had sent around Christmas time and showed us that they'd been hanging on their bulletin board. It made me so happy to know that he's so special to them, that they never forgot.

The most amazing thing was to visit Jude's little area of the NICU. The back left corner, right by the supply shelf. That's where he spent most of his first 4.5 weeks. To bring him back to that spot, as he is now, as we are now, all this time later. To watch him touch the thick plastic of the isolette from the outside... such a strange feeling. Victorious, maybe.

I still can't believe we have walked this journey. It's astounding to look back at where we've come from and where Jude began. I am eternally grateful that our fragile, tiny baby has grown into this strong, smart, and incredible little boy.