On Sunday, Daniel and I took Jude out into my parents' backyard and took "a few" photos. I just love how they turned out. Our little boy is so beautiful.
Showing posts with label 10 months. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10 months. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Beautiful Boy
I love how taking the camera outside on a lazy evening can give us so many gorgeous new photos to add to our beloved collection. I couldn't begin to imagine how many photos we already have of Jude in his 10 months. I could never have enough!
On Sunday, Daniel and I took Jude out into my parents' backyard and took "a few" photos. I just love how they turned out. Our little boy is so beautiful.
On Sunday, Daniel and I took Jude out into my parents' backyard and took "a few" photos. I just love how they turned out. Our little boy is so beautiful.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
10 months old
Jude is ten months old today. I can't believe we're already in the double digits. How has time gone so quickly? How has it been ten months since I found out our little boy was coming so early? It feels like such a distant moment, yet it feels like yesterday at the same time. Each day of these last ten months that Jude has been here have been beautiful because of him. He really is the very best thing in my life. My joy.
At ten months old, Jude is just about sitting up unassisted. Since his adjusted age is two days shy of eight months old, I'm really not too obsessed with when exactly he hits the milestones. I know he's on his own track and I know he's doing well. He doesn't give me any reason to be concerned with his development. He's smart and coordinated for his age, and maybe just a wee bit stubborn in the sitting up department. He has more of his own silly personality everyday. I love it.
Jude is still on stage 2 type baby foods, some of which I puree myself at home with the good ol' Baby Bullet. Avocados are Jude's favorite. He's working on using a sippy cup, but frankly, he just doesn't seem to care for it yet. He's still getting bottles throughout the day (which he can hold himself) and he also enjoys water once in a while. He makes a face when I add just a little apple juice. Guess he's not ready for that yet! He shows a lot of interest in what we're eating and is always reaching for whatever is in our hands.
Jude weighed about 18 pounds a month ago. Since he doesn't have another well appointment until he's one, I don't know how much he weighs right now. He does seem to be thinning out a little bit as he's much more active and probably getting taller. He's still wearing 3-6 month or 6 month clothing, mostly depending on the brand. He wears a size 3 diaper, which right now are Hawaiian printed. He wears a size 2 shoe, and is always kicking off just the right one. He has two bottom teeth and his top two front teeth have just started to pop through. His brown hair is getting long and his eyes are as blue as ever.
Jude's favorite toys are his Lamaze moose, Mortimer (which is sitting on the couch next to me as I type) and Sophie the Giraffe, of course. He loves putting things in his mouth, including my necklace, which I have had to stop wearing. This also includes trying to eat props when he's getting his pictures taken, and also the straps of whatever shirt I'm wearing. He's so silly. Jude enjoys playing on the floor, rolling everywhere and playing with his feet. He gets up on his hands and knees and does the "I want to crawl soon" rocking back and forth. He's so vocal, with all his sweet sounds and squeals. He makes me smile almost constantly, just listening to him. Jude loves his baths and is growing out of his baby tub. He took a bath in our tub for the first time yesterday.
He enjoys being outside and feeling the wind. He loves to go in the pool with Daniel or my dad. He splashes and gets so excited. It wears him out quickly and he's ready for a nap afterwards. He likes people and is so friendly, always smiling. He already shows a huge interest in music. We always sing "Hey Jude" to him and it actually calms him down when he's fighting sleep.
He's very ticklish, especially on his neck. He reaches out and touches our faces a lot. When he gets excited, he opens and closes his hands and his little feet go crazy. Jude now reaches out for us and every time he leans toward me or put his arms out, it just warms my heart. He is still sleeping in his Pack N Play next to my bed at night but naps in his crib in his room during the day. He's still a big cuddler and is just a sweet sweet little boy. He's genuinely happy and really only cries when something is wrong.
Those are just some of the things that come to mind when I think about my precious little love. He's truly incredible. Don't grow up too fast, sweet boy.
At ten months old, Jude is just about sitting up unassisted. Since his adjusted age is two days shy of eight months old, I'm really not too obsessed with when exactly he hits the milestones. I know he's on his own track and I know he's doing well. He doesn't give me any reason to be concerned with his development. He's smart and coordinated for his age, and maybe just a wee bit stubborn in the sitting up department. He has more of his own silly personality everyday. I love it.
Jude is still on stage 2 type baby foods, some of which I puree myself at home with the good ol' Baby Bullet. Avocados are Jude's favorite. He's working on using a sippy cup, but frankly, he just doesn't seem to care for it yet. He's still getting bottles throughout the day (which he can hold himself) and he also enjoys water once in a while. He makes a face when I add just a little apple juice. Guess he's not ready for that yet! He shows a lot of interest in what we're eating and is always reaching for whatever is in our hands.
Jude weighed about 18 pounds a month ago. Since he doesn't have another well appointment until he's one, I don't know how much he weighs right now. He does seem to be thinning out a little bit as he's much more active and probably getting taller. He's still wearing 3-6 month or 6 month clothing, mostly depending on the brand. He wears a size 3 diaper, which right now are Hawaiian printed. He wears a size 2 shoe, and is always kicking off just the right one. He has two bottom teeth and his top two front teeth have just started to pop through. His brown hair is getting long and his eyes are as blue as ever.
Jude's favorite toys are his Lamaze moose, Mortimer (which is sitting on the couch next to me as I type) and Sophie the Giraffe, of course. He loves putting things in his mouth, including my necklace, which I have had to stop wearing. This also includes trying to eat props when he's getting his pictures taken, and also the straps of whatever shirt I'm wearing. He's so silly. Jude enjoys playing on the floor, rolling everywhere and playing with his feet. He gets up on his hands and knees and does the "I want to crawl soon" rocking back and forth. He's so vocal, with all his sweet sounds and squeals. He makes me smile almost constantly, just listening to him. Jude loves his baths and is growing out of his baby tub. He took a bath in our tub for the first time yesterday.
He enjoys being outside and feeling the wind. He loves to go in the pool with Daniel or my dad. He splashes and gets so excited. It wears him out quickly and he's ready for a nap afterwards. He likes people and is so friendly, always smiling. He already shows a huge interest in music. We always sing "Hey Jude" to him and it actually calms him down when he's fighting sleep.
He's very ticklish, especially on his neck. He reaches out and touches our faces a lot. When he gets excited, he opens and closes his hands and his little feet go crazy. Jude now reaches out for us and every time he leans toward me or put his arms out, it just warms my heart. He is still sleeping in his Pack N Play next to my bed at night but naps in his crib in his room during the day. He's still a big cuddler and is just a sweet sweet little boy. He's genuinely happy and really only cries when something is wrong.
Those are just some of the things that come to mind when I think about my precious little love. He's truly incredible. Don't grow up too fast, sweet boy.
Right where I am 2012: two years, two months, eighteen days
Angie at Still Life With Circles has once again asked babylost parents to speak about our grief, where we are right now in it. I didn't participate last year, but this time I'm giving it a try.
This time last year, I was about 22 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow baby. I remember seeing Angie's post about Right where I am and thought it was a great idea but I was trying to hold onto my hope instead of focusing on my grief. I was still not guaranteed the life of my unborn son, thus my reason for trying to ignore my negative thoughts. Nonetheless, I was still very anxious, being just three weeks away in my second pregnancy from the week I lost my Avery. And being pregnant again brought me back to what it felt like for Avery to be alive. After a while, all I could remember was her death and her absence. It swallowed up her short life so quickly. Her being alive inside my womb felt more like a dream. Being pregnant with Jude brought it back to me. I could remember again how happiness and life felt.
Now, this year, Jude is ten months old (eight months adjusted). My grief is better in some ways and worse in others. I healed so much in the year after Avery's death and stillbirth. It had taken so long for me to forgive God and not blame Him. It had taken months to recover any semblance of normalcy or to even function without any debilitation. Now, the grief has changed. I have times of bitterness and anger.
When Jude was born nine weeks early (via emergency c-section) so much of my healing wounds were torn open. Jude was supposed to be my Rainbow after the storm, not the calm before another storm. What took Avery nearly took Jude as well (I have blood clotting mutations) and I nearly died of pulmonary embolisms just four weeks after his birth. That and the four and a half long weeks in the NICU were so emotionally taxing.
All of these complications led my doctor to strongly advise that we not have any more children. Since then, I have been mourning the children I always wanted to have, their names already on a list in the back of my journal. All I ever wanted in life was a house full of children. But I have to erase my dreams of them and forget the names I love and will never get to use. Jealousy creeps in when I see siblings together, since Jude's only sibling is dead and we can't give him another. I fear he'll grow up feeling alone. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty.
I wanted so badly for my pregnancy with Jude to be perfect and successful. Since it wasn't, it took the wind right out of my sails and set me back a ways. And it's a different path than I was on before. The old path was raw and new but it held a lot of hope for the future. This new path is so final and dark and I have to fight my way off of it. My faith has been shaken a lot. I struggle in my walk with God. I don't know why He allows these things, and especially to me who deeply desires exactly the opposite. That is a daily struggle for me.
So is the struggle against bitterness. I find it so hard to watch other women have typical pregnancies and births. I feel so cheated of a full-term pregnancy and a normal, exciting delivery. I wasn't even there for Jude's. I had to be put under because of bleeding issues. And with a stillbirth, well, that's just not a normal birth at all, needless to say. So when I hear people cringe and complain over how many hours they were in labor for and how awful it was to push out a living-screaming-breathing- healthy baby that they get to take home in just a couple days, I just want to scream my lungs out. I didn't get any of that. I would give anything for it. Same goes with pregnancy. I am paralyzed with anxiety when I hear some women complain about the discomforts of a healthy pregnancy when I feared death all through mine, while enduring daily injections to keep him alive. That, there, is my bitterness. I desperately want it to fade away. I don't want pregnancy and childbirth to be a sore topic for me. But right now, it is.
I still consider Avery my daughter. When so nosily prodded by strangers in public, I answer that I have two children, and I am never afraid to let them know that one of them is in Heaven. I just cannot deny her existence. Maybe there will come a day down the road when I won't count her to meaningless strangers, but for now, I can't imagine doing so. She is waiting for us in Heaven, after all, and we, and all of those that deny and forget her will see her face to face.
I'm also in a place in my grief where I am angry. I'm angry that my only daughter is not here and that it doesn't appear that many people care. I've been informed of some very ugly comments that have been made in the past by people who've known me my entire life. I am angry that I have to justify how I've gone about my grief (considering my own flesh and blood to be my own flesh and blood) and how I handled the most devastating and horrific situation of my life (that I actually saw and held my daughter when she was born, just like countless other mothers of stillborn babies). I resent that other people, who have absolutely no idea what it's like think that they have the right to give their opinion. That we should have to abide by their timeline and what they think is "normal" for such a tragic event. It wouldn't hurt them to love and support. If it makes me happy to rightfully consider Avery my daughter, then they should consider her my daughter as well. It wouldn't affect them at all, but it would make my life a lot easier.
People around me actually make my grief worse. Those that don't support me or who have obviously forgotten Avery just make it harder for me to heal. If they would just embrace what's happened to our family, I wouldn't feel so alone. I would feel less empty because Avery would be remembered and I'd feel like she meant something.
On the other hand, I am happier than I have been since Avery was alive. Jude is beautiful, healthy, and smart. He is the joy of my life. He is my love. I cherish him, every little thing about him. I am reluctant to watch him grow so quickly, but I'm so grateful he has the chance to. I practically mourn each piece of clothing he grows out of, as well as each precious stage he surpasses. It seems as though I'm constantly in a happy/sad state. So happy to be sharing these amazing and priceless moments with my sweet boy, but so sad that I'll never experience these moments again, with him or anyone else. I savor each second of his small body in my arms, his chubby cheek resting on my chest, and I thank God he is here. I marvel daily that Jude is mine and that he made it... that he came to stay.
And that is where I am, grasping onto the beauty in this life. I still miss my sweet girl. I'm in awe of my little boy. And oh, how I love them both.
This time last year, I was about 22 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow baby. I remember seeing Angie's post about Right where I am and thought it was a great idea but I was trying to hold onto my hope instead of focusing on my grief. I was still not guaranteed the life of my unborn son, thus my reason for trying to ignore my negative thoughts. Nonetheless, I was still very anxious, being just three weeks away in my second pregnancy from the week I lost my Avery. And being pregnant again brought me back to what it felt like for Avery to be alive. After a while, all I could remember was her death and her absence. It swallowed up her short life so quickly. Her being alive inside my womb felt more like a dream. Being pregnant with Jude brought it back to me. I could remember again how happiness and life felt.
Now, this year, Jude is ten months old (eight months adjusted). My grief is better in some ways and worse in others. I healed so much in the year after Avery's death and stillbirth. It had taken so long for me to forgive God and not blame Him. It had taken months to recover any semblance of normalcy or to even function without any debilitation. Now, the grief has changed. I have times of bitterness and anger.
When Jude was born nine weeks early (via emergency c-section) so much of my healing wounds were torn open. Jude was supposed to be my Rainbow after the storm, not the calm before another storm. What took Avery nearly took Jude as well (I have blood clotting mutations) and I nearly died of pulmonary embolisms just four weeks after his birth. That and the four and a half long weeks in the NICU were so emotionally taxing.
All of these complications led my doctor to strongly advise that we not have any more children. Since then, I have been mourning the children I always wanted to have, their names already on a list in the back of my journal. All I ever wanted in life was a house full of children. But I have to erase my dreams of them and forget the names I love and will never get to use. Jealousy creeps in when I see siblings together, since Jude's only sibling is dead and we can't give him another. I fear he'll grow up feeling alone. And sometimes that makes me feel guilty.
I wanted so badly for my pregnancy with Jude to be perfect and successful. Since it wasn't, it took the wind right out of my sails and set me back a ways. And it's a different path than I was on before. The old path was raw and new but it held a lot of hope for the future. This new path is so final and dark and I have to fight my way off of it. My faith has been shaken a lot. I struggle in my walk with God. I don't know why He allows these things, and especially to me who deeply desires exactly the opposite. That is a daily struggle for me.
So is the struggle against bitterness. I find it so hard to watch other women have typical pregnancies and births. I feel so cheated of a full-term pregnancy and a normal, exciting delivery. I wasn't even there for Jude's. I had to be put under because of bleeding issues. And with a stillbirth, well, that's just not a normal birth at all, needless to say. So when I hear people cringe and complain over how many hours they were in labor for and how awful it was to push out a living-screaming-breathing- healthy baby that they get to take home in just a couple days, I just want to scream my lungs out. I didn't get any of that. I would give anything for it. Same goes with pregnancy. I am paralyzed with anxiety when I hear some women complain about the discomforts of a healthy pregnancy when I feared death all through mine, while enduring daily injections to keep him alive. That, there, is my bitterness. I desperately want it to fade away. I don't want pregnancy and childbirth to be a sore topic for me. But right now, it is.
I still consider Avery my daughter. When so nosily prodded by strangers in public, I answer that I have two children, and I am never afraid to let them know that one of them is in Heaven. I just cannot deny her existence. Maybe there will come a day down the road when I won't count her to meaningless strangers, but for now, I can't imagine doing so. She is waiting for us in Heaven, after all, and we, and all of those that deny and forget her will see her face to face.
I'm also in a place in my grief where I am angry. I'm angry that my only daughter is not here and that it doesn't appear that many people care. I've been informed of some very ugly comments that have been made in the past by people who've known me my entire life. I am angry that I have to justify how I've gone about my grief (considering my own flesh and blood to be my own flesh and blood) and how I handled the most devastating and horrific situation of my life (that I actually saw and held my daughter when she was born, just like countless other mothers of stillborn babies). I resent that other people, who have absolutely no idea what it's like think that they have the right to give their opinion. That we should have to abide by their timeline and what they think is "normal" for such a tragic event. It wouldn't hurt them to love and support. If it makes me happy to rightfully consider Avery my daughter, then they should consider her my daughter as well. It wouldn't affect them at all, but it would make my life a lot easier.
People around me actually make my grief worse. Those that don't support me or who have obviously forgotten Avery just make it harder for me to heal. If they would just embrace what's happened to our family, I wouldn't feel so alone. I would feel less empty because Avery would be remembered and I'd feel like she meant something.
On the other hand, I am happier than I have been since Avery was alive. Jude is beautiful, healthy, and smart. He is the joy of my life. He is my love. I cherish him, every little thing about him. I am reluctant to watch him grow so quickly, but I'm so grateful he has the chance to. I practically mourn each piece of clothing he grows out of, as well as each precious stage he surpasses. It seems as though I'm constantly in a happy/sad state. So happy to be sharing these amazing and priceless moments with my sweet boy, but so sad that I'll never experience these moments again, with him or anyone else. I savor each second of his small body in my arms, his chubby cheek resting on my chest, and I thank God he is here. I marvel daily that Jude is mine and that he made it... that he came to stay.
And that is where I am, grasping onto the beauty in this life. I still miss my sweet girl. I'm in awe of my little boy. And oh, how I love them both.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Jude's 10 month portraits
We got Jude's pictures taken again today, the day before he turns 10 months old. I know he's only 8 months adjusted but I still feel like he's too big too fast. I don't like how quickly time is going. I am so grateful to see Jude grow up, but I just wish he'd slow down! I can't believe I'm researching first birthday ideas. Where did my little preemie go?
