Day 11: Falling From Cloud 9

Today, three years ago, is the day we found out we'd lost Avery. The day of the ultrasound that showed her still, lifeless little body. The day we found out I'd have to deliver her. There really isn't anything else that I can write for today that I haven't written before. I decided to just repost what I blogged on Avery's blog on this day two years ago, on the very first anniversary. It may be of special interest to newer readers who may not know the whole story. But first, I would like to share a photo from today when we took Jude to visit his big sister.

Originally posted on The Avery Diaries on March 11, 2010:

March 11th - The hardest day

Today, a year ago, our whole world came crashing down. Last night, a year ago, I had the strangest feeling that something was wrong. Heart palpitations all evening. Worry. Out of nowhere, really. Then, it all escalated into tears and a small panic attack. I believe in my heart that that's when our sweet girl was leaving us for Heaven. My body and my heart knew. But my mind wouldn't until the following day.

It was Thursday, March 11, 2010... I had called my mom and told her my concerns. She thought it would be best to go to labor and delivery at the hospital just for peace of mind. After all, we did have a date later to see Dear John at the movies together. So Daniel and I went. I felt kind of silly, assuming I didn't know what I was talking about since this was my first baby. But I needed to hear that Avery was fine and I didn't care if they thought I was paranoid.

After an agonizing wait, which was probably not half as long as it felt, they called us back and hooked me up to a fetal monitor. Well, they tried to. They couldn't pick up a heartbeat and decided to go with a regular fetal doppler. Three different nurses tried their hand at it. None of them said anything but I could see it in their faces that this was not good. Plus I knew Avery. In the doctor's office, her heartbeat was always found so quickly. Still, I refused to entertain the thought that she was gone. I couldn't handle that.

They sent me over to ultrasound and I got on the table, actually feeling a little excited to see our baby on the screen. A part of me was still hoping that the doppler issue was a fluke and that the ultrasound would show us a healthy beautiful girl. But she was so still. She looked so cloudy, faded. Two different techs looked for a heartbeat. I could see the flatline across the screen as they typed 'NO FHT.' No fetal heart tone. They weren't allowed to tell me Avery was gone, but I knew it. The techs left Daniel and I alone for a moment and I turned to him and finally beginning to cry, I said, "I'm going to have to deliver her." His eyes welled up, "No," he answered, still not wanting to believe it.
The tech returned and told me to go to the restroom. I remember it so perfectly. I felt like I was in a dream. I closed the bathroom door behind me and looked at myself in the mirror. I whispered, "This is the worst day of my life." Then I added, "My baby is dead." That's when I started crying more. To say it, to admit it... I knew it was true.

 

They took us back to OB and had us wait in an empty delivery suite. I looked around the room, knowing I wouldn't be coming to one of these rooms with joy. I would come back here to say goodbye. In a few moments, a nurse, Daniele, entered the room. Her face said everything. I was already crying. She came right up to me, knelt down in front of me and just pulled me to her. That is when I lost it, sobbing and sobbing. And that's when she finally said it. She told me 'the baby is gone.' I really don't think I've ever cried that hard before or since. It was truly the most devastating and painful moment of my life.

Daniele and another nurse, Vicki, told us our options. We could stay and I could be induced to deliver right then. Or I could go home, meet with my doctor in the morning and decide when to come back. It was all too much, too soon. We decided to come back the following day. I couldn't part with our sweet girl just yet. The nurses left the room for a moment and Daniel called the pizza place he delivered for at that time to tell them he wouldn't make it in that night. I started crying all over again when I heard him tell his boss, "I just found out my baby died." It hurt me so much to hear him say that. I hated that he was hurting so much. But Avery is something we share together.

One of my biggest memories from that day is when I called my mom. I dreaded her answering because I knew I was about to shatter her world too. "Mom... she's dead," was all I could manage to say through my tears. "No, don't tell me that," she answered, immediately crying. I don't remember much else from our conversation, but I know I told her they couldn't find a heartbeat and the ultrasound confirmed she was gone. I'm sure I told her we decided to come back 'tomorrow' to induce and deliver. My father was appalled that I had to deliver a dead baby. But that was the reality of it.

After we left the hospital, we went straight to my parents' house. My parents and two of my brothers met us at the door. I broke down all over again when I saw them and they each hugged me. It all just felt so awful. More than awful. There is no word for it.
We spent the rest of the day and evening sitting in the living room. I cried all day and night, wishing I could be consoled. I just kept thinking about how my sweet little baby was dead inside of me. I hated it so much. I felt so much dread and sadness. I was afraid of what the next day would bring. So much pain. So much devastation.

I'll never forget how my dad wanted to try anything he could to help me. He ran out and got me a liter of Mountain Dew, my favorite drink of all time, and Doritos and a Butterfinger, which are a couple other favorites. I couldn't bear to eat, but I did allow myself to have the soda. I stayed away from caffeine through my pregnancy so it was nice to have it. Little good my caffeine avoidance had done.

That night, when Daniel and I finally got home, we got into bed. We cried for a while, holding each other so miserably. It was pretty late. Daniel is blessed to be able to fall asleep easily no matter what. I, on the other hand, was awake all night. I cried and cried. I pictured how the next day would go and what it might be like to see our baby. How would she look? Would it be disturbing? Would she look normal? Would she look beautiful and perfect? So many questions and worry. But most of all I was just afraid of how much it would hurt my heart to go through that. The labor to deliver a child is worth it, but to deliver a baby who is not coming home with you is a like a kick in the face.

Of all the days surrounding Avery's death and birth, this day was the hardest. Finding out that the baby I had waited my whole life to have was gone, was really and truly the very worst thing that I have ever been through. Sometimes I still cannot believe that this happened to us and that our sweet little girl is not here. Today is hard for me, reliving the day and remembering exactly how I felt to know our baby died. I will never forget that.

Thank you for reading. These days are so sacred to me.

Taken Back

This time of the year always gets me. The January-to-March time, ever since Avery died. These last weeks when she was still alive three years ago. Three years? It sounds like it should feel so long ago, like I should be so removed from it by now, but really it was just a breath ago. Time somehow passes, but a piece of me stands still, frozen in that moment forever. Anything can take me back to it, and make it feel like yesterday. A song, a smell, an article of clothing- anything - can trigger it, like a time warp. As if it's happening right now. I just can't forget it. And I can't ever forget her. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. This is all I have left of her. Even this aching in my heart is better than having nothing left of her.

We had two ultrasounds in February of 2010. One at 20 weeks, and another at 23 weeks, which was actually tomorrow, three years ago. Looking back, there was a difference in her appearance the second time, just two weeks before she was gone. The tech said she was sleeping and it was the reason she was so inactive. Her chin was resting against her chest exactly how it rested when we held her lifeless body. I truly believe her health was already declining at this ultrasound. Sure she may have been sleeping but it was probably because she was so deprived of nutrients and blood flow. So tomorrow marks three years since the last time we saw our little girl alive...

I try not to allow myself to dwell on her last days. I try not to wonder about her suffering or possible pain. I try not to imagine that she felt any discomfort. I like to think that maybe she just fell asleep and peacefully slipped away. And then I step back from it and realize how horrifying it is that this all happened in the first place. That it happened to my little girl. That it happened inside my body. It may have been nearly three years ago, but the reality of it still shocks and astounds me. How did I go through this? How is this my life?! Why does this happen? Why me?!

And that's my broken record. On and on, as another year pushes us even further away from her and the time she was here.

Flashback: July 24-25, 2011

Yesterday, last year, I hit the 30 week mark in my pregnancy with Jude. And that was the day my perfect pregnancy went downhill. Everything had been amazing and been going so well. It was a completely different pregnancy than Avery's. 'Night and day,' as my doctor put it.

But early in the morning on July 24th, I had a terrible pain in my upper abdomen, prompting me to go to Labor & Delivery. It turned out that my blood pressure was spiking and the enzymes in my liver were elevated. No longer the perfect, healthy pregnancy I thought I was having. I believed we'd fixed everything that went wrong with Avery and that it would be different this time. But we were all wrong.

I was admitted to the hospital that morning. They monitored Jude and my blood pressure. It was going up and down way too much to put me on medication. To be safe, I received a round of steroid injections to help mature Jude's lungs if things were to worsen. That was the best thing they could have done for me. I really believe that's what helped Jude do so well when he was born just a week later.

Today, last year, I was discharged from the hospital. They did an ultrasound on our sweet boy to make sure he was doing alright. He passed his NST and looked great. But I was to monitor my blood pressure at home and make sure it didn't stay elevated for long periods of time.

I remember spending the next several days so nervous. My dreams of a normal pregnancy were once again shattered, but I still had high hopes that it would be several weeks before we had to face any pregnancy-ending situations. I didn't know I'd be admitted to L&D once again in just five more days.

Our Hospital Experience

The past two days have been a little crazy. I spent last night in labor and delivery at the hospital. It all started early yesterday morning (Sunday, July 24th). I felt very uncomfortable, in my upper abdomen, as if Jude had wedged himself up inside my rib cage. I am now 30 weeks pregnant, five weeks further than I have ever been before. Jude is almost three pounds more than Avery was at birth so I really don't know what to expect with things like this. I assumed it was normal at first, to feel so uncomfortable with him so high up.

But as the wee hours of the morning went on, and I could not sleep through the discomfort, I felt like something just wasn't right. I rubbed my stomach, trying to get him to adjust his position, but nothing eased up. Of course, Daniel was at work all night so I was doing this alone. When 7am rolled around, I texted him to call me because he'd be getting off any minute. By the time he called me, I had started to get upset. I paced our room, hoping my movement would make Jude move. When Daniel asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, it made me cry.

The thought of walking into L&D with the feeling something was wrong completely brought me back to that day with Avery. That weird feeling that something wasn't right, and finding out she was gone. I didn't want to go in there and do the same things we had to do with her... listen for his heartbeat and then have to confirm his health with an ultrasound, all in the same rooms. I have made it so far without any true scares. That does surprise me. I did picture myself being a lot more paranoid than this. But I guess Jude doing so well has kept me from having to go that far with my worries. For that, I am so grateful.

I did get out my doppler and found Jude's heartbeat, faintly, very high in my stomach. So much higher than I have ever heard his heartbeat before. I wondered if he had dangerously wedged himself. Like, what if he was stuck in his cord or was pinching it off up there? I let all these crazy thoughts enter my head. While I waited for Daniel to drive home, I called my parents. I felt bad waking them up for that's for a good reason! I asked my mom what she thought we should do. I couldn't help crying, talking about something being wrong and going to the hospital for our little boy. It just hit too close to home with what happened to Avery. We decided that going to the hospital would definitely be the best thing, just as Daniel had said. I'd rather be deemed paranoid than take the chance of letting something unnecessary happen to Jude. Besides, I have very legitimate reasons to be paranoid. I deserve to be a little crazy from time to time.

Thank God, during the time we were getting ready to leave and pick up my mom to go to the hospital, I felt Jude move a couple times. In the waiting room, filling out the same form I filled out last March, he kicked me some more. I was so grateful that I knew, without any dopplers or ultrasounds that our little boy was alive. I just had to find out what was wrong with me.

The pain in my abdomen by this time began to feel like the start of a gallbladder attack. I definitely know this feeling well since I had several attacks back in April and May of last year. But the thing is, in May, I got my gallbladder removed. So what was going on?? It started to get more and more intense. I felt upset because that is a pain I never thought I'd have to feel ever again. It's a very intense and horrible pain that is completely relentless. Thankfully, they didn't make me wait long and I was in a gown in a bed within 15 minutes.

Julie, my nurse, had Jude hooked up to a monitor right away. I loved laying there listening to him and knowing he was fine. He kept kicking and moving and keeping me very confident that he was perfectly fine. Thank you, little man!! Julie took my blood pressure and it was 160/99 which is really high. I had to start a 24 hour urine collection and they took two vials of blood from me. Within an hour, the phelbotomist came back and took a third vial and said I was on her schedule for more blood work at 3:00pm. What?! It was only 9:00am!! I had never assumed this would be an all day thing at all. Especially since Jude was fine.

I soon found out that they would be admitting me and giving me my own room to rest in. My blood work came back with some elevated levels. My liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were pretty low. They thought the pain I was feeling was a mix of the high blood pressure and my liver. I'd be hooked up to the blood pressure cuff and monitored every 30 minutes. They were going to give me half of a Labetalol dose to lower my blood pressure. I was on Labetalol with Avery starting at 20 weeks so the whole high blood pressure thing made me nervous, wondering if this was going to be the start of Jude's decline or something. But then Julie informed me that he was alright and that they were going to give me a steroid injection in my back to help mature Jude's lungs more in case he had to be born. If my blood pressure wouldn't come down, I could be in danger and the only way to fix me would be to deliver Jude. So it would be more of something that's bad for me and not him. He would just obviously be premature and spend the first several weeks of his life in the NICU, which is a much better outcome than what his sister endured.

Everything was put into play. I got the steroid injection in my lower back and WOW did that hurt. And the pain lingered for a long time. It was 11:00am by this time. I'd be getting that blood work again at 3:00 just like I'd been told earlier. I was still hooked up to the fetal heart monitor, laying on my side. That made eating lunch pretty difficult, but I managed!

A couple hours later, one of the midwives from my doctor's office (the one who delivered Avery) came in. She had Jude taken off the monitor and said he'd get non stress tests every several hours instead because he was looking so great and my blood pressure was starting to drop. She wanted me to be able to be more comfortable to I could rest better. Even though I enjoyed hearing his precious heart, I was kind of relieved to get that off and be more free. To not have to call the nurse each time I had to go to the restroom so so she unplug and replug me back in each time. And I could actually move in my bed without losing his heartbeat on the monitor. That's what really was so amazing about how active our sweet boy was yesterday. I didn't need to hear him to know he was okay. He kicked and rolled all day long. I don't think he slept at all. It was like a little gift. I really needed that.

The day progressed mundanely from there on out. Both of my parents and Daniel were with me. for the most part. My parents left for a little bit to eat and get some things for me and when they returned I got to take a shower and then Daniel left to get our overnight things. I never dreamed I'd be there overnight! It didn't occur to me for a second when we'd left the house that morning! It was great to take a shower and to change into my own nightgown. My blood work was done at 3pm and looked pretty much the same as earlier. At 5:30pm, I was given a Heparin injection in my stomach instead of my usual Lovenox. Heparin leaves your system sooner than Lovenox so that was yet another precaution in case Jude had to be delivered. I was given dinner, which was surprisingly good. Because you know what they say about hospital food... ;)

A couple hours later, probably around 7:00, my parents went home. Daniel had called into work, which was good because neither of us wanted him that far away and not immediately accessible if something happened. It was just safer to keep him there. And I know I could never leave Daniel if he was in the hospital! I did spent most of the night by myself though. Daniel had worked all night long the previous night and hadn't slept since so he conked out around 8pm and stayed out for the most part all night long. I watched TV and played with my phone, keeping people updated via text and Facebook. I played solitaire. Posted boring photos to Instagram. Anything I could think of to fill my time. I was so tired but just could not sleep.

Around 9pm, another phlebotomist came in because the last woman at 3 left out one of the vials. Of course. haha. So I had blood drawn for the fourth time. At 10:30, my newest nurse came in to do a non stress test on Jude, hooking him up to the monitor again while I watched That 70s Show. He sounded great and was a bit active. I loved listening to him. As always. Daniel slept right through it! Even through Jude's loud kicks against the monitor. :) I wish I could sleep like that!! At 11:00, my nurse came in to take me off the monitor and give me a sleeping pill. I hadn't planned on taking anything but by now I was so ready to go to sleep. 

It started to kick in a little bit within the hour but I just could not, for the life of me, sleep through the blood pressure cuff going off every 30 minutes. It was loud and it would get so painfully tight each time. Even as I would begin to fall asleep, it would go off again, waking me up. But I did try. And maybe in all I got about an hour of sleep.

At 4:15, I gave up sleeping and played Solitaire on my phone. Daniel woke up soon after and watched Netflix. Thank God for wi-fi. :) Even though I was happy Daniel was able to get some rest, it was nice to not be alone anymore.

Around 5:30am, I got hooked back up to the monitor for another NST (non stress test) for Jude. He was very cooperative and his heart rate was very good. Also during the NST, the phlebotomist came back in for four more vials of blood, making that ten vials (and five draws) total for my stay. But hey, whatever it takes!

I ate breakfast around 6:30 and got some nice heartburn, which I'd had last night too. Around 7:30, I was taken to ultrasound to check on Jude and make sure he looked as good as he seemed. I was glad they were being that thorough. The ultrasound tech has absolutely no personality, saying as little to me as possible. It was kind of awkward. Maybe she was having a bad day already? Being wheeled through those OB halls reminded me of being there for Avery. I got wheeled past the room I delivered her in but didn't look inside. I got wheeled right into the ultrasound room, seemingly the same exact one we saw Avery's lifeless body in. It was so odd to be there. So many emotions rolling around in my mind. I felt so cold suddenly, I was shivering. It was weird. But I got on the table and the unfriendly girl did the ultrasound. She said not one word about anything, the screen completely facing away from me. I mouthed to Daniel, "He's moving, right?" because her silence just felt so wrong. He nodded and I felt better. I knew he was okay. I just didn't like feeling as if he was being kept from me, that I couldn't take part in seeing my own son. Like when Avery was gone, they couldn't give us any information because they weren't allowed. It reminded me of that kind of situation. 

Finally, she turned the screen and let me see Jude's sweet face. Oh, he looked so cute! More like a baby face instead of that skull look. She took a couple photos for me, which didn't translate to paper very well to show his cuteness, but I was just thrilled that she even did that.

The tech did tell us Jude looked good and that he weighs 3 pounds. I was excited that he reached another pound mark. When she wheeled me back to my room, I took a look inside room 10 where Avery was born. It really was so weird to look in there and see the bed I gave birth to her and held her in. To see the couch Daniel first sat with her in his hands. The room where that day happened, where we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl.

Back in our room, I bundled up to get rid of my shivers and finally fell asleep. Daniel went home to eat and grab a couple things while I napped. It was so good to get some sleep. I woke up when Daniel returned but fell back to sleep until the midwife came in around 10:00am. She told me how pleased she was with Jude's ultrasound and that he weighs a little over 3 pounds. His fluid levels, heart beat, and movements look great. She thinks he will be able to stay put for several more weeks, provided my blood pressure stays normal. But he's perfectly healthy and wonderful and I loved hearing that. They planned to release me as soon as my blood work and 24 hour urine results were in. About 30 minutes later, Julie, my nurse from yesterday came in excitedly to tell me that all my test results were perfect. No protein or anything irregular in the urine and my blood levels were all normal. My liver enzymes were no longer elevated. Everything was perfectly fine. Praise God! She said we could go home just as soon as I got my second dose of the steroids for Jude.

My other nurse did the injection, which again hurt very badly. Then I was allowed to get dressed and get ready to finally leave! I could not wait to go home and be on my couch and in my bed. :)

I was given an order to start NSTs twice a week and BPPs (biophysical profile ultrasounds) once a week. I start those next Monday, August 1st when I'm 31 weeks and 1 day. I also have to do a 24 hour urine collection once a week and I have to repeat all of the blood work once a week. I have to do all of this until Jude is born. I think I will also be seeing my doctor once a week. And I've been put on bed rest as well. Wow, sounds like a crazy couple of months coming up! But all of it will be worth it. I will always do anything for Jude.

The past two days have been taxing emotionally and physically. It was so strange to think for even a second that Jude could be coming now. I'm so glad he gets to stay put and grow a bit longer inside of me. My body may be flawed, but it's still the best incubation for him. I really hope that everything stays well and that I don't have to worry again about him or about what my body could cause for him. Even though I have a lot of new appointments and tests to deal with now, I hope that's the extent of it all from here on out. No more surprises or sudden issues. I'm so grateful God has answered our prayers and kept us all safe and well.

28 week ultrasound

We got to see Jude today! Well, compared to all of the other ultrasounds we've had so far, we barely got to see him, but knowing he's doing well and still thriving and growing strong are what matters.

For some reason, we had a different tech and she had a trainee. They seemed more concerned with doing the job than with giving us a nice experience seeing our baby. I've been so excited for this appointment, since I always need the affirmation that Jude is healthy and I crave seeing him. But this appointment didn't leave me with that bliss that I usually get.

The other tech at this place (and both techs at the 4D place as well) always let Daniel capture a couple videos with my iPhone. The second he took it out, the trainee scolded Daniel, treating him like he was a little kid, telling him he couldn't do that because it was against HIPAA law. He told her that they have always let us before and she still continued to make him feel stupid by telling him it was illegal. Like they own our son and we have no right to him. Isn't HIPAA supposed to protect us from other people? How does us having a video of our own son invade our own privacy? And okay, if it is against the law to tape it, fine. But be nice about it and don't make my grown husband feel like a scolded child. Geez.

So that was a welcoming start to our appointment. The tech asked me why we were having so many growth ultrasounds so I told her that we lost our last baby at 25 weeks. She didn't really seem too concerned about hearing such an awful thing. I usually get a more caring reply, but that's alright. I mentioned that I worry about our son a lot, even when he's doing well, so you would think she'd be nice and make sure she really let us see him and did her best to give us a nice appointment.

She did all the boring things first. We got our fourth confirmation that Jude is a boy. His parts are very visible and distinguishable now! But the part that really bothered me was when she checked for his heartbeat. She didn't play it out loud, so the screen beneath his image was a flatline going across the screen. Thank God I had already seen him move on the screen and felt him move this morning or I would've thought he was dead. The trainee asked her why she didn't play it out loud and she goes, "Oh, I just do it that way. You can do it either way, it still works without it." Wow, who doesn't let their patient hear their baby's heart beating? That's one of the best parts of it all. Thank you for letting me see the same kind of flatline I saw for my daughter because she was dead. Thank you for bringing back that image for me to experience with my son. It really made me feel upset.

The tech went on to measure his parts for size. We got to find out that Jude now weighs 2lbs 8oz! That's a whole 2lbs bigger than Avery at just three weeks older than her. His size also put him a whole week and a day ahead of his age. That made me very happy. Four weeks ago, he was just five days ahead. I love that he is doing so well.

Then came the fun stuff, or so I thought. The tech didn't try too hard to get a better view of his face or really give us any kind of enjoyable show of our baby. She snapped very few pictures of him and the ones that she got weren't too great. At the every end, she finally got an open view of his face and then didn't even take a picture! We were kind of surprised at how she worked. They sent us out to wait for our print outs. They only gave us two (the other tech gave us SIX last time) and they weren't even the best of the very few that she did take. Wow, thanks for caring about your patient! I'd really been looking forward to getting some new beautiful images of Jude since he's so much bigger now. Oh well.

I don't like complaining. I am very grateful that Jude is still here to have an ultrasound of. I am so grateful and thrilled that he is growing and he's healthy. But because of what we have been through, appointments like these and the way people treat us are that much more sacred to me. I don't think it's too much to ask to capture some decent images and allow your patient to get a good look at their baby, regardless of whether or not they've had a previous loss that makes them extra sentimental. Let's just say, I really hope the old tech still works there and that this just happened to be her day off.

I really love our sweet baby boy. I am so thrilled that he's so healthy and that the countdown until his arrival is getting smaller. I am now in the third trimester! Such a huge milestone! We are so blessed by this precious gift. Just 11 more weeks!!

23w5d Ultrasound

On Friday, June 10th, we had another routine ultrasound. I think the only thing good about being a high risk pregnancy is being able to see our little boy so often. I love seeing how he's grown each month. I love all of the photos we already have of him. I love the videos we get to watch over and over of his movements. I really wish we had those of Avery too.

Jude looked great, just as we thought he would, since he's been kicking up a storm. He was pretty active. The only thing that bothered me was that his heart rate was 125 and it's been 150 lately. I asked the tech if that was low but she assured me that it's in the normal range. She said babies in utero are just like us. If we're not doing a whole lot, our heart rate slows. And if we're really active, it speeds up. So apparently, Jude was having a calmer moment. I later looked up the normal rate, just to ease my wandering thoughts and it said 120-180 is normal. Okay then.

I loved when the tech measured Jude and all of his measurements indicated that he's five days ahead. So my due date is showing September 27th instead of October 2nd. That's a good thing, since I'll be induced around 39 weeks anyway. I love that Jude is bigger than he's supposed to be and that he's growing so well! My favorite part was finding out his weight. Jude weighs nearly a pound and a half. At 23 weeks, Avery supposedly weighed 12 oz. When she was born at 25 weeks, she was expected to be a pound and a half by her age, but she was just 8.2 oz. Jude is already more than double that at two weeks younger. Avery never made it to a pound. I love that Jude passed the pound mark. It may not seem like a big deal to most but to us it's monumental. Jude is growing and thriving. I couldn't be more excited.

Jude in 3D - Take 3

On Friday (June 3) we had another 3D/4D ultrasound for Jude. I was 22 weeks and 5 days at the time. (Now 23 weeks and 2 days!) This is the third time Jude has been difficult and didn't allow us to get very good 3D shots of him. He likes to lay really low in my uterus, which he can only do so much longer since he's getting bigger everyday. But we did get to see him and that's what matters! He looks great! His heartbeat was 150. He even flipped over, bringing his feet up over his head. It was really funny, we could not stop laughing. :) Oh, I just love him. So much.

And here's our little boy...

From the side, his leg and his arm.

Jude's beautiful little face! He's starting to look more like a chubby baby!!

Look at those chubby legs!! <3

I love his face!

 

My sweet boy, facing the right, fists in his face, like always.

He's so lovely. <3

Halfway there

I hit the big 20 week mark yesterday. I think that's pretty monumental. Halfway to my little boy. I cannot wait until he's here safely and I can snuggle him. Thank God time is going faster than I expected. I can't believe I'm 20 weeks already. It dragged for some reason with Avery. With Jude, it seems to be flying and I am grateful for that. 40 weeks is a long time to worry and to wait for something I once lost before. I cherish feeling him inside of me, but if the time til he's here goes quickly, I'm fine with that.

I had another perinatologist appointment on Friday, May 13th. My blood pressure is still perfect and according to their scale, I've gained 4 pounds since my last OB appointment. We'll see what their scale says when I go for my appointment on Thursday. Of course, I got to have another ultrasound. It was the longest one I've ever had. The tech measured everything. Even pieces of his skull. I watched intently to see what gestational age everything measured. I was thrilled to see that everything measured either exact or bigger than he was (19 weeks and 5 days). Part of his leg measured 21 weeks! I think that's what the tech at the 3D place measured, and that's why she said he was a week ahead. She was basing it only on one part of his body. But that's okay. Overall, with all of Jude's measurements, he measures two days ahead. To me, that is good. Anything ahead makes me happy. Like I've said, Avery was always behind.

Jude is sucking on his hand in this beautiful profile shot.

I love his little face already.

The bottom of his sweet foot.

Jude's nice long leg. :)

His arm, with his precious little fingers to the left.

I loved watching the tech fill in the blanks on her screen with words like 'normal' as she made the report on Jude. She zoomed in on his precious little heart, measuring the parts as it beat away. I could never hear his heartbeat enough. It is so sacred to me.

I love that as I'm typing this, Jude is kicking and dancing away. I can feel him so much now. Everyday, several times a day. It was not this way with Avery. Even at 25 weeks, her last week, she was not this active. I love feeling Jude move around. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. This all feels like such a new experience to me. Jude is doing things that Avery never did or doing them completely different. That's how I know he's doing so well. I am so grateful for that.

I am very proud of myself because I now give myself my own Lovenox shots. I was having Daniel do it, but on Friday evening, when it was time for my shot, we were at Daniel's brother's wedding. Daniel was the best man and definitely busy, and even if he wasn't, there was no way he could come into the ladies' restroom with me to give me my shot! So I did it all by myself. I found it wasn't so bad, once I had no choice. Haha! So now, I'm able to do it and it actually doesn't hurt as bad (Michelle, you were right!).

Because of the above mentioned wedding, I finally got to see a dear friend who is the cousin of my brother-in-law's new wife. She had her rainbow baby in September. She has been here for me since Avery passed away, knowing what I was going through since it happened to her as well with her precious son. I don't know what I would have done without her. And now here she is along my next journey, helping me with my pregnancy and in my moments of fear or doubt. When I finally got to hold her sweet little boy, I cried. It was so special to hold him, knowing she was in my shoes not too long ago, aching for him just like I ache for Jude. She is my encouragement, my inspiration and I thank God for her. Thank you, Kelly. For being a true friend. I can't wait until Jude and Caleb can play together. <3

Jude in 3D - Take 2

Today was our re-do 3D/4D elective ultrasound. I was excited going in, instead of nervous or anxious. I broke down the last two days and have been checking for Jude's heartbeat with our doppler. When he was smaller, I was afraid to use it, in case I couldn't find him. I didn't want to freak myself out and think something had happened to him if I wasn't able to locate my dancing boy. I'm glad I found that he is now large enough to locate decently easy, though he doesn't stay still long enough to give me enough of a fix. Of course, I could listen to him all night long.

At the ultrasound, we quickly saw that Jude was in another silly position, up high near my belly button, and once again cuddling with the placenta. The tech said they like to do that because the placenta is really warm. I thought that was cute. Maybe Jude will be a cuddler. He wasn't very active but he wasn't perfectly still either. The tech thought he seemed very content and docile and that this was a good thing. He seemed happy. Aww. The 2D shots were easy to see of course, but his position did make it a little harder for the 3&4D once again. I didn't care though. I was just happy to see him moving, kicking his little feet, opening his little mouth, turning over... He had his hands up at his face again, possibly sucking his thumb. Maybe he'll be a self soother too. Who knows?

In one of the 3D images, Jude smiled for us. Of course he probably wasn't actually smiling. He doesn't know what that means yet. But he did it.

It's unreal how much I love our little boy. I adore him. He's not even here yet and I am head over heels. This next shot is my favorite...

At the end, the tech measured his femur bone to see how big he's measuring. Our sweet little boy is now measuring a whole week ahead! He's actually 18 weeks and 2 days but he measures 19 weeks and 2 days! That makes me so happy. He is really doing so well.

Thank You, God, for our healthy sweet boy!

Jude in 3D - Take 1

Yesterday, we had an appointment for a 3D ultrasound. It was an elective one, not for diagnostic purposes, but for keepsake purposes. This facility is new since we lost Avery and the one place that did offer 3D when she was still alive wouldn't do an ultrasound for you until you were 24 weeks along. I wish so badly that we'd done that at 24 weeks with Avery. I regret that I wanted to wait until she was bigger before we paid for 3D shots of her. I would do anything to have 3D images of her face when she's alive. Not just photos of her passed away.

So, with this new facility open, taking women at 16 weeks pregnant, Daniel and I jumped on it and made an appointment. Yesterday, I was 16 weeks and 2 days. Originally it was supposed to be a gender determination ultrasound, but we were blessed enough to find that out last week, super early. But since we're so sentimental about our little boy, we kept the appointment. And Jude showed us that he already has a sense of humor.

In 2D we could see our son pretty well. He was moving somewhat but was pretty mellow. The technician checked to make sure that last week's findings were accurate. She was quick to chime in that Jude is definitely a boy! That's nice to know, since we've already started buying him lots of things and we've already registered! :)

Jude decided it would be a good idea if he laid really low, where he wasn't as visible. She was able to get his heartbeat, which never ceases to bring tears to my eyes. 162 glorious beats per minute.

If you look to the left of him in the above shot, you can see a little hand or foot. Not sure which (hand probably?), but it's so cute!!

Jude was also being silly by putting his hands over his face. So when she switched it to 3D, there wasn't much to see. But we still loved every second of it.

Here, he's putting his hand up to his face, possibly about to suck his thumb. :)

I love how you can see his ribs and his spine in this one. I think his hand is over his face too.

Then Jude flipped up onto his head, then back down onto his face and belly, and went to sleep. :) His little leg is tucked up underneath him.

This is pretty unclear because, like I mentioned earlier, Jude was laying as low as he possibly could, nestled against the placenta. Silly boy. If you can't see it, his head is at the top, facing the left. His hand is at his face, and his knees are bent with his legs pulled up toward his belly. So cute.

 

Another of the same shot.

 

And this is him from behind, laying on his belly with his legs underneath him. His head is facing to the right. You can see his little back. I just love him.

The tech was incredibly nice and answered a lot of my questions. She showed me more things than I've ever had pointed out to me at any other ultrasound. I asked her if she was able to see the cord's blood flow and the flow in the placenta. She did it for me and even let us listen to the blood flow of each. She thought they sounded great, knowing that it was blood clots that took Avery from us. She asked us if we wanted to know how much Jude weighs. No one has ever asked us that. She measured his legs and his head. Each part measured bigger than his age! According to his size, I am 17 weeks pregnant (as of yesterday). That's 5 days ahead. For me, that is HUGE. Avery was always small. They never expressed concern for some reason, but she was never ahead of my due date. The fact that Jude IS, is so SO comforting and wonderful. So, Jude is a whole whopping 5 ounces. Avery was 8.2 ounces when she was born at 25 weeks. So I think that means he's doing rather well. :)

Because Jude didn't cooperate very well, we get to come back at 18 weeks for a re-do, free of charge. That is so exciting. I can't wait to see what his little face looks like. :)

Hey Jude

Today has been the best day of my life since we got married. Even in all of my days with Avery, this one tops them all. We had an ultrasound today. Even though I'm only 15 weeks and 2 days along, they were able to quickly see, without a doubt, what the gender is. We were not expecting to find out today, since it's so early. I figured with my luck, I wouldn't be one of the few that get to know so soon. But we did.

IT'S A BOY!!!

I cried when the tech announced it. We never got an announcement with Avery. Just a "Well, I'd say there's a 80 to 90 percent chance that it's a girl." And then two weeks later she was gone. This time was so epic and so amazing. So sure and so exciting. We are having a little boy!!

Our sweet little man moved like crazy the whole ultrasound. We couldn't believe how active he was! I couldn't stop laughing. I really don't think Avery was ever that active (I've probably said that before). And at 15 weeks, our son seems to look about the same on screen that Avery did at 20 weeks, as far as detail and visibility. At 23 weeks, the tech (at a different facility) struggled to figure out Avery's gender and I think that was because she wasn't doing well. At only 15 weeks, our little boy's parts were so visible, being the first thing the tech noticed about him. I'd like to think that it means he's doing extremely well since they could tell so early on. His size is perfect. He is measuring exactly right. I love that so much.

I am so in love with our little boy. We have already picked out his name. I've loved this name for years. It means "Praises to God" which is so fitting. Our baby's name is Jude.

 

Hey, Jude. <3

10 week ultrasound

We got to see our sweet little love once again yesterday. It had only been two weeks since the last ultrasound, but it's never soon enough to see that tiny miracle.

We have chosen a different imaging place this time because we feel that the one we went to for Avery's ultrasounds was lacking in knowledge. I feel like they should have noticed that something wasn't right with her. Between her lack of proper growth and the way her umbilical cord looked, they should have noticed something. Anything.

Already, I love this new facility. The staff was very warm and welcoming. And my favorite part? There was a screen hanging in front of me so I could actually see my baby. Other places, I've had to crane my neck from the table to see a screen facing sideways. I always hated that.

I couldn't believe how much the baby has changed in the last two weeks. At eight weeks, the baby was somewhat of a blob. Our little bean. Now, our little one looks like a small teddy bear, all parts distinguishable. I laughed when I saw our baby move, throwing those little hands and legs up in the air! Avery wasn't that active at twelve weeks when we first saw her! This baby looks so healthy, so lively. I felt so much joy watching the little dances. It's so surreal that we have made a second life to cherish. It's so beautiful to witness life dancing inside of me.



The baby's head is to the right, all limbs visible :)

The baby's heartbeat was 176, just two beats less than two weeks ago. The technician was even able to see the umbilical cord, which isn't always visible this early. She really seemed to think that our baby is doing extremely well. I was thrilled when she did the measurements on the baby and he/she is measuring exactly right, to the day. Perfect! That is so beautiful to hear.



This one shows the measurements and the due date... right on!

I absolutely love seeing our little bear. It eases my heart to know he/she is doing so well. I think as I get into the 20th week and start heading to the 25th week when we lost Avery, I may get nervous. But overall I feel very peaceful and excited. It's unbelievable how much I love this baby. I can't wait to find out who I'm loving and put a name to that sweet little image!!

High risk doctor visit

On Friday, the 25th, Daniel and I went to see the University of South Florida's high risk perinatal team. It was a very long wait; we were there for four hours. But it was worth the time because so many of my fears were laid to rest. Plus... we got to see and hear our sweet baby.

The baby isn't big enough for a good picture yet, mostly just a bean-like blob on the screen. But we could see that precious little heart beating as we heard it. That was priceless. I laid there crying. It was somewhat bittersweet. The last time I had an ultrasound on my baby, she was dead... and there was a flatline across the bottom of the screen. I will never forget how that felt. Being on that table let those memories flood back in and I could not help being emotional... especially after hearing the most beautiful sound ever... the sound of my baby's beating heart. 178 beats per minute. Only measuring one day off in size. So perfect. We've already fallen in love.

After more waiting, Daniel and I got to sit down with the doctor. He was very kind and caring. I really liked that about him. He asked what Avery's name was and how we were doing emotionally. I appreciated that so much. He said I'd be having ultrasounds every four weeks and he's going to order extra tests to make sure it's only the two clotting mutations that I have and nothing else that could put this little one in danger. My favorite part was when he said that pregnancies on Lovenox injections are largely successful. That was a beautiful thing to hear. It made me feel so at ease.

When I first found out I was pregnant again, it was easy to feel like we could lose this one just like we did Avery. But now, I see a future for this baby and I feel a confidence that can only be attributed to my faith in God.