Flashback: July 24-25, 2011

Yesterday, last year, I hit the 30 week mark in my pregnancy with Jude. And that was the day my perfect pregnancy went downhill. Everything had been amazing and been going so well. It was a completely different pregnancy than Avery's. 'Night and day,' as my doctor put it.

But early in the morning on July 24th, I had a terrible pain in my upper abdomen, prompting me to go to Labor & Delivery. It turned out that my blood pressure was spiking and the enzymes in my liver were elevated. No longer the perfect, healthy pregnancy I thought I was having. I believed we'd fixed everything that went wrong with Avery and that it would be different this time. But we were all wrong.

I was admitted to the hospital that morning. They monitored Jude and my blood pressure. It was going up and down way too much to put me on medication. To be safe, I received a round of steroid injections to help mature Jude's lungs if things were to worsen. That was the best thing they could have done for me. I really believe that's what helped Jude do so well when he was born just a week later.

Today, last year, I was discharged from the hospital. They did an ultrasound on our sweet boy to make sure he was doing alright. He passed his NST and looked great. But I was to monitor my blood pressure at home and make sure it didn't stay elevated for long periods of time.

I remember spending the next several days so nervous. My dreams of a normal pregnancy were once again shattered, but I still had high hopes that it would be several weeks before we had to face any pregnancy-ending situations. I didn't know I'd be admitted to L&D once again in just five more days.

Jude is here!

On Sunday, July 31, 2011, Jude Wesley was born, weighing just 3lbs 1oz and was 15.5 inches long at just 31 weeks gestation. He is perfect and beautiful...

The entire week since my last entry, I spent feeling uneasy. I was still on bed rest for my high blood pressure and I was letting it worry me. I worried about Jude and whether he was being affected or not. I checked my blood pressure several times a day and obsessed over Jude's movements. On Thursday, July 28th, I had an OB appointment. My BP was really high so my doctor had me do a non-stress test (NST) there in the office. I had to press a button each time I felt Jude move and he wasn't super active. But his heartbeat was great. My doctor then sent me to the hospital to have a biophysical profile (BPP) ultrasound done, just to make sure Jude was still doing well.

I went to the BPP and Jude looked great. The tech said she found everything she needed to find and all looked well. Despite getting a good result, I still felt a bit worried. I didn't like having high BP. I had it with Avery and things ended very badly after that.

Friday, I felt pretty good. A bit calmer. And thank God, I had Daniel take some cute photos of me on my parents' back patio. I had no idea they'd be the last photos of me pregnant with Jude.

Saturday, July 30th, is when things changed. The early part of the day was fine, but as it went on, I really felt like Jude wasn't moving as often as he usually did. I even felt like his movements were softer as well. But then I wondered if I was just paranoid. My aunt was over and was talking to me about my baby shower but it just made me feel depressed... like I felt worried that my shower wouldn't happen. That something was going to happen to Jude and he wouldn't make it til then. It was a sick feeling that I absolutely hated. It wasn't quite like the crazy intuition that I had with knowing something was wrong with Avery, but it didn't feel like nothing. I went into the bathroom and I cried. And I begged God to let me keep Jude. I felt so scared.

Daniel kept checking my BP and it was really high each time. We decided that I should go to the hospital again, just to make sure everything was alright. And to get some peace of mind that Jude was safe, if nothing else. I got admitted around 8pm. I had a nurse that I had when Avery was born. She remembered us and so many specific things about Avery's birth day. It meant so much to us.

Being hooked up to the monitor, Jude sounded good and normal. But I still felt nervous about him and whether my body was harming him or not. My BP stayed kind of high for the next couple hours. My doctor decided to just have me stay the night for monitoring, mostly for my own peace of mind because she knew I was nervous. The night passed peacefully and I felt safe there. I was grateful to not be at home worrying on my own.

The next day, Sunday, July 31st, I had my favorite nurse ever, Daniele. She was there for me during what happened with Avery. She was the one who told us Avery was gone and sat with me and wiped my tears. So even now, she is special to me and we have a special bond. I was thrilled that I got to have her take care of me.

Sometime in the morning, my doctor had me go for a BPP and cord doppler, to check the blood pressure in the cord. The tech said that Jude looked really good but she still had to figure out the results of the cord doppler. I went back to my room with Daniel, feeling a lot better seeing Jude and knowing he looked well. I figured I'd be leaving that evening, after my 24 hour urine collection was completed. (Yuck, sorry)

But not too much later, right before 11am, Daniele came into the room and she seemed like something was up. She grabbed a chair and put it next to my bed. She asked me where Daniel was. I knew that meant she had something really important to say. I told her he was in the restroom and I think she could tell I started to freak out in my head. She didn't make me wait for Daniel. She just came out and told me... "Jude did really good on the BPP... but the cord doppler came back elevated... The blood pressure in the cord is high... so Jude is going to be born today." I couldn't believe it. Daniel came out of the restroom and Daniele asked him if he was ready to be a father again. He thought she was just joking when she said Jude was coming. Oh but it was true!

Daniele explained things to us. Jude still looked good and healthy but what was happening with the placenta and the cord would begin to affect him if they didn't act immediately. My doctor would be there to do a c-section at noon, just an hour from then. She explained that I would have to be put under because of my blood issues and my blood being too thin. If I had a spinal, I could bleed out. And because I was being put under, Daniel wasn't allowed in the operating room. That's when I started to cry. I would not be there for my baby's birth. That was bad enough. But then Daniel wouldn't be there either? I absolutely hated it. I felt so sad for us, that my pregnancy was ending so suddenly and so early and that it wasn't going to be anything like we've dreamed.

I called my mom and told her to come immediately. It was a much better call than when I had to tell her Avery was gone! She was surprised Jude was coming but seemed so calm to me. I needed that. She later told me she was pretty much freaking out. I don't blame here, it was a big deal!

It didn't take long for Daniele and some other nurses to start preparing me for my surgery. Because I was being put under, they had to put my catheter in before I was knocked out. They wouldn't be able to take the time to do it after because Jude would need to come out as soon as possible before the anestesia affected him. I can't go into detail but that was one of the single most painful moments of my life. That was followed by getting my IV put in. Two veins blew out before finally getting the third to work.

After all of that, things calmed down a bit. I laid there, feeling Jude kick and dance. I started to cry because I knew these were the last moments that I would ever feel him inside me. I loved being pregnant with him. I cherished every second. I felt like he was being taken away from me. It was just too soon. I worried it would be too soon for him too, and that he wouldn't be okay. It was so hard not to worry and feel sad, to feel like I was losing my pregnancy.

Before I knew it, I was being wheeled out of my room and into the OR. It was hard to say bye to Daniel. I had to get up off my bed and get onto the small operating table. I laid there, crying, wishing I could be a part of my son's birth. His life was so special and such a miracle and I wouldn't be able to witness it at all. I could hear Daniele encouraging me as she helped my doctor prepare. It seemed like there were so many people in the room. It didn't take long to prep me. Before I knew it, the anestesiologist was looming over me and I felt myself fade away.

Waking up from surgery is one of the worst feelings, physicially. My first thought was how thirsty I felt. My mouth was so dry and my throat was so raw from being intubated. I could feel the pain in my stomach from the c-section. And suddenly I felt the need to cough, my throat itchy from having a tube shoved down it during the surgery. It was agonizing to cough. I don't remember a whole lot that was said around me, but I know Daniele was there. They were trying to get another IV in my arm because I had lost a lot of blood during my c-section. I needed a plasma transfusion. Because I have MTHFR and Factor II clotting disorders, I'd been on Lovenox blood thinning shots for my entire pregnancy. This was the reason for my bleeding issue during surgery. It was supposed to take 20 minutes, but ended up taking an hour and a half. It's weird to think I was in any kind of danger. I'm glad I had no idea about it until it was over.

I was then wheeled back into my room. Mine and Daniel's families were in there waiting for me. I barely recall seeing them. I remember balloons. I was trying so hard to stay awake but it was difficult. Everyone left to let me sleep off what I'd just been through. That's good, because I probably would've been embarrassed to have them all there looking at me!

While I slept, Jude was being stablized in the NICU. He did not need any ventilator for his breathing. He was breathing on his own! All he needed was a little bit of oxygen, just 35%. The rest he was getting by himself. They gave him a dose of surfactant to further help his lungs. The steroid shots I received the week before were a miracle. They were probably the reason Jude was breathing so well so soon. They also put in an IV for nutrients and antibiotics and a tube down into his stomach to drain any air or leftover fluid. He was also of course hooked up to monitor his heart rate, oxygen level, and respirations. When all of this was finally done, and Jude was safe and well, he was allowed to have a little meet and greet with our families. Daniel was the only one who really got to see him after he was born. One of the nurses let him kind of hold Jude for a few seconds before he'd been whisked off to the NICU.

I knew beforehand that I'd be the last to meet our son, but I was okay with that. I mean, I wasn't thrilled by it, but I didn't want everyone else to have to wait. I wanted them to be able to meet this precious little one that they have been waiting for and praying for too.

It wasn't until 1:30am August 1st, 13 hours after he was born, that I finally got to see our baby boy. I spent the day in so much pain. And it was agony to get out of my bed and into the wheelchair but somehow I did it.

I was beyond thrilled to see Jude. But to be honest, the moment was not what I expected. From my point of view in the wheelchair, it was hard to really get a good look at Jude. I was in so much pain, it was hard to sit there and enjoy anything. Plus, I was falling asleep and struggling to stay awake. Then, to add to it, a phlebotomist came in while I was visiting my son for the first time to draw blood from me. Could it not wait a few minutes?? So I do feel like that moment was kind of ruined by a lot of different factors. But nonetheless, it was still a dream come true to have a living, breathing baby that belonged to me.

I finally got my moment the following day (actually just much later that same day) when I got to hold Jude for the first time.

He was now in his incubator, what they call an Isolette, looking much better. I'd still been battling the sadness of no longer being pregnant. It was hard to feel like Jude was here when I was spending all my time in pain in a hospital room and he was not with me. But it changed so much, when I got him in my arms.

And I cried. I cried because I felt so much love. Because I have waited for this for so long. And because I lost this with Avery. Yes, I got to hold her, but it wasn't the same. She was already gone. But Jude is very much here and well. To feel his warmth and movement. To hear his breath and his sounds. To see his eyes. It's amazing and it's beautiful. He's beautiful.

I spent the next few days in the hospital, finally leaving on Wednesday, August 3rd. I still feel sentimental about deflated belly, missing feeling Jude and how big he made me. I've got lots of physical bruises and a new abdominal scar, but my heart is also feeling more whole. I haven't felt happiness like this since I was pregnant with Avery and knew nothing but bliss. It is hard leaving Jude in the NICU and not having him with me, but he still brings so much joy, and I know he will come home with us.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing our precious boy here safely!

Our Hospital Experience

The past two days have been a little crazy. I spent last night in labor and delivery at the hospital. It all started early yesterday morning (Sunday, July 24th). I felt very uncomfortable, in my upper abdomen, as if Jude had wedged himself up inside my rib cage. I am now 30 weeks pregnant, five weeks further than I have ever been before. Jude is almost three pounds more than Avery was at birth so I really don't know what to expect with things like this. I assumed it was normal at first, to feel so uncomfortable with him so high up.

But as the wee hours of the morning went on, and I could not sleep through the discomfort, I felt like something just wasn't right. I rubbed my stomach, trying to get him to adjust his position, but nothing eased up. Of course, Daniel was at work all night so I was doing this alone. When 7am rolled around, I texted him to call me because he'd be getting off any minute. By the time he called me, I had started to get upset. I paced our room, hoping my movement would make Jude move. When Daniel asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, it made me cry.

The thought of walking into L&D with the feeling something was wrong completely brought me back to that day with Avery. That weird feeling that something wasn't right, and finding out she was gone. I didn't want to go in there and do the same things we had to do with her... listen for his heartbeat and then have to confirm his health with an ultrasound, all in the same rooms. I have made it so far without any true scares. That does surprise me. I did picture myself being a lot more paranoid than this. But I guess Jude doing so well has kept me from having to go that far with my worries. For that, I am so grateful.

I did get out my doppler and found Jude's heartbeat, faintly, very high in my stomach. So much higher than I have ever heard his heartbeat before. I wondered if he had dangerously wedged himself. Like, what if he was stuck in his cord or was pinching it off up there? I let all these crazy thoughts enter my head. While I waited for Daniel to drive home, I called my parents. I felt bad waking them up for that's for a good reason! I asked my mom what she thought we should do. I couldn't help crying, talking about something being wrong and going to the hospital for our little boy. It just hit too close to home with what happened to Avery. We decided that going to the hospital would definitely be the best thing, just as Daniel had said. I'd rather be deemed paranoid than take the chance of letting something unnecessary happen to Jude. Besides, I have very legitimate reasons to be paranoid. I deserve to be a little crazy from time to time.

Thank God, during the time we were getting ready to leave and pick up my mom to go to the hospital, I felt Jude move a couple times. In the waiting room, filling out the same form I filled out last March, he kicked me some more. I was so grateful that I knew, without any dopplers or ultrasounds that our little boy was alive. I just had to find out what was wrong with me.

The pain in my abdomen by this time began to feel like the start of a gallbladder attack. I definitely know this feeling well since I had several attacks back in April and May of last year. But the thing is, in May, I got my gallbladder removed. So what was going on?? It started to get more and more intense. I felt upset because that is a pain I never thought I'd have to feel ever again. It's a very intense and horrible pain that is completely relentless. Thankfully, they didn't make me wait long and I was in a gown in a bed within 15 minutes.

Julie, my nurse, had Jude hooked up to a monitor right away. I loved laying there listening to him and knowing he was fine. He kept kicking and moving and keeping me very confident that he was perfectly fine. Thank you, little man!! Julie took my blood pressure and it was 160/99 which is really high. I had to start a 24 hour urine collection and they took two vials of blood from me. Within an hour, the phelbotomist came back and took a third vial and said I was on her schedule for more blood work at 3:00pm. What?! It was only 9:00am!! I had never assumed this would be an all day thing at all. Especially since Jude was fine.

I soon found out that they would be admitting me and giving me my own room to rest in. My blood work came back with some elevated levels. My liver enzymes were elevated and my platelets were pretty low. They thought the pain I was feeling was a mix of the high blood pressure and my liver. I'd be hooked up to the blood pressure cuff and monitored every 30 minutes. They were going to give me half of a Labetalol dose to lower my blood pressure. I was on Labetalol with Avery starting at 20 weeks so the whole high blood pressure thing made me nervous, wondering if this was going to be the start of Jude's decline or something. But then Julie informed me that he was alright and that they were going to give me a steroid injection in my back to help mature Jude's lungs more in case he had to be born. If my blood pressure wouldn't come down, I could be in danger and the only way to fix me would be to deliver Jude. So it would be more of something that's bad for me and not him. He would just obviously be premature and spend the first several weeks of his life in the NICU, which is a much better outcome than what his sister endured.

Everything was put into play. I got the steroid injection in my lower back and WOW did that hurt. And the pain lingered for a long time. It was 11:00am by this time. I'd be getting that blood work again at 3:00 just like I'd been told earlier. I was still hooked up to the fetal heart monitor, laying on my side. That made eating lunch pretty difficult, but I managed!

A couple hours later, one of the midwives from my doctor's office (the one who delivered Avery) came in. She had Jude taken off the monitor and said he'd get non stress tests every several hours instead because he was looking so great and my blood pressure was starting to drop. She wanted me to be able to be more comfortable to I could rest better. Even though I enjoyed hearing his precious heart, I was kind of relieved to get that off and be more free. To not have to call the nurse each time I had to go to the restroom so so she unplug and replug me back in each time. And I could actually move in my bed without losing his heartbeat on the monitor. That's what really was so amazing about how active our sweet boy was yesterday. I didn't need to hear him to know he was okay. He kicked and rolled all day long. I don't think he slept at all. It was like a little gift. I really needed that.

The day progressed mundanely from there on out. Both of my parents and Daniel were with me. for the most part. My parents left for a little bit to eat and get some things for me and when they returned I got to take a shower and then Daniel left to get our overnight things. I never dreamed I'd be there overnight! It didn't occur to me for a second when we'd left the house that morning! It was great to take a shower and to change into my own nightgown. My blood work was done at 3pm and looked pretty much the same as earlier. At 5:30pm, I was given a Heparin injection in my stomach instead of my usual Lovenox. Heparin leaves your system sooner than Lovenox so that was yet another precaution in case Jude had to be delivered. I was given dinner, which was surprisingly good. Because you know what they say about hospital food... ;)

A couple hours later, probably around 7:00, my parents went home. Daniel had called into work, which was good because neither of us wanted him that far away and not immediately accessible if something happened. It was just safer to keep him there. And I know I could never leave Daniel if he was in the hospital! I did spent most of the night by myself though. Daniel had worked all night long the previous night and hadn't slept since so he conked out around 8pm and stayed out for the most part all night long. I watched TV and played with my phone, keeping people updated via text and Facebook. I played solitaire. Posted boring photos to Instagram. Anything I could think of to fill my time. I was so tired but just could not sleep.

Around 9pm, another phlebotomist came in because the last woman at 3 left out one of the vials. Of course. haha. So I had blood drawn for the fourth time. At 10:30, my newest nurse came in to do a non stress test on Jude, hooking him up to the monitor again while I watched That 70s Show. He sounded great and was a bit active. I loved listening to him. As always. Daniel slept right through it! Even through Jude's loud kicks against the monitor. :) I wish I could sleep like that!! At 11:00, my nurse came in to take me off the monitor and give me a sleeping pill. I hadn't planned on taking anything but by now I was so ready to go to sleep. 

It started to kick in a little bit within the hour but I just could not, for the life of me, sleep through the blood pressure cuff going off every 30 minutes. It was loud and it would get so painfully tight each time. Even as I would begin to fall asleep, it would go off again, waking me up. But I did try. And maybe in all I got about an hour of sleep.

At 4:15, I gave up sleeping and played Solitaire on my phone. Daniel woke up soon after and watched Netflix. Thank God for wi-fi. :) Even though I was happy Daniel was able to get some rest, it was nice to not be alone anymore.

Around 5:30am, I got hooked back up to the monitor for another NST (non stress test) for Jude. He was very cooperative and his heart rate was very good. Also during the NST, the phlebotomist came back in for four more vials of blood, making that ten vials (and five draws) total for my stay. But hey, whatever it takes!

I ate breakfast around 6:30 and got some nice heartburn, which I'd had last night too. Around 7:30, I was taken to ultrasound to check on Jude and make sure he looked as good as he seemed. I was glad they were being that thorough. The ultrasound tech has absolutely no personality, saying as little to me as possible. It was kind of awkward. Maybe she was having a bad day already? Being wheeled through those OB halls reminded me of being there for Avery. I got wheeled past the room I delivered her in but didn't look inside. I got wheeled right into the ultrasound room, seemingly the same exact one we saw Avery's lifeless body in. It was so odd to be there. So many emotions rolling around in my mind. I felt so cold suddenly, I was shivering. It was weird. But I got on the table and the unfriendly girl did the ultrasound. She said not one word about anything, the screen completely facing away from me. I mouthed to Daniel, "He's moving, right?" because her silence just felt so wrong. He nodded and I felt better. I knew he was okay. I just didn't like feeling as if he was being kept from me, that I couldn't take part in seeing my own son. Like when Avery was gone, they couldn't give us any information because they weren't allowed. It reminded me of that kind of situation. 

Finally, she turned the screen and let me see Jude's sweet face. Oh, he looked so cute! More like a baby face instead of that skull look. She took a couple photos for me, which didn't translate to paper very well to show his cuteness, but I was just thrilled that she even did that.

The tech did tell us Jude looked good and that he weighs 3 pounds. I was excited that he reached another pound mark. When she wheeled me back to my room, I took a look inside room 10 where Avery was born. It really was so weird to look in there and see the bed I gave birth to her and held her in. To see the couch Daniel first sat with her in his hands. The room where that day happened, where we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl.

Back in our room, I bundled up to get rid of my shivers and finally fell asleep. Daniel went home to eat and grab a couple things while I napped. It was so good to get some sleep. I woke up when Daniel returned but fell back to sleep until the midwife came in around 10:00am. She told me how pleased she was with Jude's ultrasound and that he weighs a little over 3 pounds. His fluid levels, heart beat, and movements look great. She thinks he will be able to stay put for several more weeks, provided my blood pressure stays normal. But he's perfectly healthy and wonderful and I loved hearing that. They planned to release me as soon as my blood work and 24 hour urine results were in. About 30 minutes later, Julie, my nurse from yesterday came in excitedly to tell me that all my test results were perfect. No protein or anything irregular in the urine and my blood levels were all normal. My liver enzymes were no longer elevated. Everything was perfectly fine. Praise God! She said we could go home just as soon as I got my second dose of the steroids for Jude.

My other nurse did the injection, which again hurt very badly. Then I was allowed to get dressed and get ready to finally leave! I could not wait to go home and be on my couch and in my bed. :)

I was given an order to start NSTs twice a week and BPPs (biophysical profile ultrasounds) once a week. I start those next Monday, August 1st when I'm 31 weeks and 1 day. I also have to do a 24 hour urine collection once a week and I have to repeat all of the blood work once a week. I have to do all of this until Jude is born. I think I will also be seeing my doctor once a week. And I've been put on bed rest as well. Wow, sounds like a crazy couple of months coming up! But all of it will be worth it. I will always do anything for Jude.

The past two days have been taxing emotionally and physically. It was so strange to think for even a second that Jude could be coming now. I'm so glad he gets to stay put and grow a bit longer inside of me. My body may be flawed, but it's still the best incubation for him. I really hope that everything stays well and that I don't have to worry again about him or about what my body could cause for him. Even though I have a lot of new appointments and tests to deal with now, I hope that's the extent of it all from here on out. No more surprises or sudden issues. I'm so grateful God has answered our prayers and kept us all safe and well.

24 week appointments

I noticed the last few days that I was feeling more nervous about Jude. I know it's because week 25 looms around the corner. Even after listening to his heartbeat on the doppler, I would still question his lack of movements, as if he's not allowed to take any time to sleep. I hate being that crazy. That anxious. It's not healthy and it's not easy. Thank God my OB appointment put some things into perspective yesterday!

I have probably said this before, but I really love my doctor. She put all my worries at ease and assured me I had nothing to worry about, based on how well Jude is doing. I know she's probably not allowed to tell me that nothing will happen for sure, but she seems so confident and pleased with his progress. I couldn't help but feel better about things. My blood pressure is still perfect (113/80) and I even found out from my doctor's report from the ultrasound last week that Jude is in the 59th percentile for his size.

Before I left, my doctor gave me the lab order for my two hour glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. That's as far as I got last time with my pregnancy with Avery. I last saw my doctor at 25 weeks and got the order then. I never made it to the test. I had been nervous about it and dreading it. This time, I'll be taking that test, and gladly. Even if I it turned out I had gestational diabetes. I don't care. I just want Jude to be healthy. I don't care what I have to go through for him. Nothing is inconvenient or uncomfortable. All is worth it. All is done gladly and I cherish the chance.

Today, I had a hematologist appointment. I didn't see the doctor, I only had a complete blood count done. My platelet count was 225 six weeks ago. Today, it was 201! The normal range is 100-400 so I am very pleased! The phlebotomist told me that all my numbers looked good. She asked me about my pregnancy and I loved when she said, "This is your second, right?" I told her he was. But apparently my whole history was not available to her in my chart because she asked how old my first is. I was not bothered nor offended. I told her that my first passed away, stillborn last year. She felt so bad for asking but I assured her it was okay. I liked having the chance to bring Avery up and talk about her. I feel like I only get to talk about Jude lately. It's nice for Avery to get a little attention sometimes. I never want to feel like she's fading away or being replaced by Jude.

After the hematologist appointment, Daniel and I drove across the parking lot from the medical arts building to the labor and delivery suites. I felt like dropping in to see if my favorite OB nurse was working. I haven't seen her in over a year. She's very special to me, having been the one to tell us that Avery had passed away and let me cry with her. She was there when I came in to deliver Avery, taking me in as if I were her own. She knows what it's like. I couldn't have gotten through those first days without her. Well, she wasn't working today so I didn't get to see her, but hopefully soon, I will. :) It was very odd to be there in that lobby. I have only been back there twice since leaving empty-handed the day Avery was born. Once about a week later to pick up Avery's hospital photos, and then in October to visit my cousin who'd had a baby. It's never easy to go there. To smell that same smell. To see that hallway. It was especially hard on Daniel, because he hadn't been there since we picked up the photos. I know the next time we go there, it will be for a good reason. The reason we have been waiting for. In about 14 weeks, I will deliver our healthy and safe baby boy. I really can't wait.

Halfway there

I hit the big 20 week mark yesterday. I think that's pretty monumental. Halfway to my little boy. I cannot wait until he's here safely and I can snuggle him. Thank God time is going faster than I expected. I can't believe I'm 20 weeks already. It dragged for some reason with Avery. With Jude, it seems to be flying and I am grateful for that. 40 weeks is a long time to worry and to wait for something I once lost before. I cherish feeling him inside of me, but if the time til he's here goes quickly, I'm fine with that.

I had another perinatologist appointment on Friday, May 13th. My blood pressure is still perfect and according to their scale, I've gained 4 pounds since my last OB appointment. We'll see what their scale says when I go for my appointment on Thursday. Of course, I got to have another ultrasound. It was the longest one I've ever had. The tech measured everything. Even pieces of his skull. I watched intently to see what gestational age everything measured. I was thrilled to see that everything measured either exact or bigger than he was (19 weeks and 5 days). Part of his leg measured 21 weeks! I think that's what the tech at the 3D place measured, and that's why she said he was a week ahead. She was basing it only on one part of his body. But that's okay. Overall, with all of Jude's measurements, he measures two days ahead. To me, that is good. Anything ahead makes me happy. Like I've said, Avery was always behind.

Jude is sucking on his hand in this beautiful profile shot.

I love his little face already.

The bottom of his sweet foot.

Jude's nice long leg. :)

His arm, with his precious little fingers to the left.

I loved watching the tech fill in the blanks on her screen with words like 'normal' as she made the report on Jude. She zoomed in on his precious little heart, measuring the parts as it beat away. I could never hear his heartbeat enough. It is so sacred to me.

I love that as I'm typing this, Jude is kicking and dancing away. I can feel him so much now. Everyday, several times a day. It was not this way with Avery. Even at 25 weeks, her last week, she was not this active. I love feeling Jude move around. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. This all feels like such a new experience to me. Jude is doing things that Avery never did or doing them completely different. That's how I know he's doing so well. I am so grateful for that.

I am very proud of myself because I now give myself my own Lovenox shots. I was having Daniel do it, but on Friday evening, when it was time for my shot, we were at Daniel's brother's wedding. Daniel was the best man and definitely busy, and even if he wasn't, there was no way he could come into the ladies' restroom with me to give me my shot! So I did it all by myself. I found it wasn't so bad, once I had no choice. Haha! So now, I'm able to do it and it actually doesn't hurt as bad (Michelle, you were right!).

Because of the above mentioned wedding, I finally got to see a dear friend who is the cousin of my brother-in-law's new wife. She had her rainbow baby in September. She has been here for me since Avery passed away, knowing what I was going through since it happened to her as well with her precious son. I don't know what I would have done without her. And now here she is along my next journey, helping me with my pregnancy and in my moments of fear or doubt. When I finally got to hold her sweet little boy, I cried. It was so special to hold him, knowing she was in my shoes not too long ago, aching for him just like I ache for Jude. She is my encouragement, my inspiration and I thank God for her. Thank you, Kelly. For being a true friend. I can't wait until Jude and Caleb can play together. <3

More appointments

Yesterday, I had two appointments. It was actually very nice to get two over with in one day, back to back. First was my OB. I was surprised to see that I have lost two pounds in the last two weeks. I never gained weight with Avery, in fact, I lost weight with her, so I always equate no weight gain with inadequate growth or an unhealthy baby. But then I need to remember, my belly is getting bigger. It didn't really at all with Avery. Jude is growing and he's a whole week ahead. Avery was always behind. To top it all off, I started out overweight so the weight gain expectancies don't fully apply to me. I talked to my doctor about it and she said that as long as I'm eating and the baby is growing, it doesn't matter if I'm losing or gaining. That makes me feel better.

I asked my doctor about Jude's delivery. If I would carry him until my due date or not. She said because he is doing so well, she would like to try getting to my due date, but definitely no further. But she doesn't want to deliver him before 39 weeks because of brain and lung development. She said I'll be having ultrasounds (biophysical profiles) and non stress tests probably twice a week at the end. If there seems to be any sign of a problem, he will be delivered. But if not, he'll come between 39 and 40 weeks. I am glad that he's doing well enough that my doctor wants to let him stay as long as possible. When I first lost Avery, there was talk of steroid injections to develop the next baby's lungs faster so he or she could be born as early as possible to leave my dangerous womb. But that was before we knew exactly what had caused Avery to die. And that was before Jude was on his way, doing so well, it's astonishing. I'm glad he will have the chance to grow the way he's supposed to, and not chance being born too soon where his eyesight, hearing, learning abilities, etc. may be compromised.

My blood pressure is still perfect, yesterday being 114/77. That's even lower than it's been. My doctor was extremely pleased. She thinks that because of my blood clotting mutations, the placenta with Avery didn't form properly. When she was born, the placenta has holes in it and just looked incredibly unhealthy. We think it formed with clots and that it even passed clots through Avery's cord, blocking blood and nutrient flow, ultimately taking her life. Because of the bad placenta, my doctor thinks my blood pressure was high, my body trying to compensate and work harder in place of the placenta. I was put on medication at 20 weeks to lower my blood pressure, but that didn't fix the placenta. So my doctor thinks that possibly, this new placenta has formed perfectly because I was on Lovenox when it was forming. That my blood pressure has stayed normal because my body is not compensating for anything else. And that is why Jude is doing so well. Because he had what Avery didn't. And there are no blood clots looming to threaten him. Of course this is all theory. We could never know for absolute sure that it's 100% true but based on all the physical evidence, it seems very likely. And it comforts me a lot to think that I may not even have to worry about Jude leaving us at all. That there is no threat to him like there unknowingly was for his precious sister.

My favorite part was at the end when we got to hear Jude's heartbeat. That sound could never get old. I love it so much. My doctor found it immediately which always puts me at ease. I don't like to be reminded of the day when multiple nurses used a doppler searching and searching for several minutes at a time to find Avery. And they never did. So it's nice when Jude is found immediately and I don't have to have those thoughts.

After we left, we were immediately off to my hematologist appointment. I had to get a finger prick so they could test my blood levels. I hate those. I'd rather get a needle in my arm... and I get a shot in my stomach everyday, but those finger pricks make me nervous! Turns out, my platelet levels are at 225 (they were 217 last time) which is still in the normal range of 100-400. When my doctor came in, he was very pleased with all of my levels. He said it all looks perfect. He was very happy and seemed so interested in my pregnancy and how Jude is doing so far. He wanted to know how my previous OB appointment went. He said I'll be put on Heparin in the last four weeks of my pregnancy, maybe even up to three times a day since Heparin doesn't stay in the body as long as Lovenox does. Three shots a day does not sound like a picnic but I don't care. I will do ANYTHING for Jude. I asked the doctor if we're doing everything we can with the shots to make sure all stays well. He believes, based on all the numbers, that the regimen we're following is good. And then I almost cried when he said, "You will be fine."

It's a beautiful when you feel convinced that your baby will survive. Most live without that thought even crossing their mind; it's a given for them. For moms like me, every milestone is cherished and every positive result brings tears. It's not typical. Right now I really feel like Jude will definitely be coming home with us and I like that feeling. I really hope it stays. I even feel physically pregnant this time and I am loving that. I never looked pregnant with Avery and I never got the chance to have the belly. It started weeks ago with Jude and I am feeling pretty big right now, even though I weigh 11 pounds less than I did at the end with Avery. I love feeling pregnant and I look forward to this belly getting even bigger. <3

Last night, Jude was moving around like crazy. It was the very first time that he's moved that much at once. It lasted for several minutes and I was loving it the entire time. I can't wait until I can feel him consistently. I am so in love with him and so grateful for him.

Thank You, God, for Jude's health and his continued growth and thriving. I just can't thank  You enough...

More good news

I had another OB appointment this afternoon. I just went two weeks ago, but this is around the time in my pregnancy with Avery that my blood pressure started to spike. By 20 weeks, I was put on medication to lower it. But today, my blood pressure was 124/78. Perfect. I am so excited that it's still behaving. I take it as such a good sign, that all things are better and different this time.

I really like my doctor. She really cares about this pregnancy and making sure she's doing all she can to ensure Jude's health. She even said these two pregnancies are like night and day. I've been feeling that, but to hear a medical professional say that just means a lot. I still haven't gained any weight yet but I'm starting out overweight, so I guess there's no cause for concern.

She was excited to hear that we found out it's a boy. When she asked what his name is, I was so thrilled to say 'Jude.' I have been in love with that name for YEARS now. Since before Daniel and I were even married. Five, six years... maybe more. I am so happy to finally be able to use that beautiful name. It's so special to me and so is he. Quite fitting.

I asked my doctor if it was a good thing that they were able to determine Jude's gender so early on. She emphatically let me know that it was a very good thing, that he's definitely developing very well. She told me about the results she got back from my ultrasound last week. Jude is developing so well, that at 15 weeks they were easily able to see all of his major organs. His kidneys look great, his brain growth is perfect... It was all music to my ears... just like his heartbeat that we got to hear yet again. The doctor said it sounded great.

I go back in another two weeks to make sure all is still well with my blood pressure. I feel so excited that everything is going so well. I'm so encouraged and so relieved right now. I haven't been this happy since I was pregnant with Avery.

Yesterday morning, I was laying on my back and I really think I felt Jude move for sure. There have been suspicions in the last couple of weeks, but this time, I think it was for real. And I may have felt him again tonight. I absolutely love it. I can't wait to feel him all the time, even if he's elbowing my bladder or wedging himself under my ribs. It will all be amazing and wonderful. :) So in love with my little boy.

Definitely pregnant

Today I went to my doctor for a pregnancy confirmation appointment. I actually let my imagination run, picturing them telling me I wasn't pregnant. But I remember doing that last time with Avery. I guess it's just so hard to believe that what I have been praying for is happening.

It was music to my ears, even though I knew better than to think otherwise, when the nurse came in and said, "You're definitely pregnant!" It made me so happy. Daniel and I just smiled like crazy. Hearing it from someone medically qualified just makes it more official.

I saw one of the office's midwives. She answered all of my questions, which I was very grateful for since it wasn't an actual OB appointment. She advised me to make an appointment with the Hematologist to see if I will  need to take Lovenox or Heparin injections or if any other blood work is necessary. I will be seeing a Perinatologist soon as well, sometime in the next several weeks. I already go back for my first OB appointment next Friday. My Folic acid has been increased and they will be monitoring my blood pressure closely. I feel so much better to see that the ball is already rolling. I'm not being treated like any regular pregnancy. They are treating me with extra care already.

I'm so excited about this baby. I don't like to think about losing this one like we lost Avery, but it's always in the back of my mind. How could it not be? I am aware that it's possible. But I am also aware that we can bring this baby home. I have to believe that. I am so in love with this little one. Boy or girl, it does not matter. I just want to watch this one grow up.

I like being happy and excited about being pregnant. Daniel and I talk about names a lot. I have missed that. Being pregnant takes me back to last time when I was pregnant. So yes, I miss Avery even more now, remembering these early days with her as I live them with her little brother or sister. It's such a blessing to carry precious life again... and it's a blessing to feel happiness again.