Taken Back

This time of the year always gets me. The January-to-March time, ever since Avery died. These last weeks when she was still alive three years ago. Three years? It sounds like it should feel so long ago, like I should be so removed from it by now, but really it was just a breath ago. Time somehow passes, but a piece of me stands still, frozen in that moment forever. Anything can take me back to it, and make it feel like yesterday. A song, a smell, an article of clothing- anything - can trigger it, like a time warp. As if it's happening right now. I just can't forget it. And I can't ever forget her. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. This is all I have left of her. Even this aching in my heart is better than having nothing left of her.

We had two ultrasounds in February of 2010. One at 20 weeks, and another at 23 weeks, which was actually tomorrow, three years ago. Looking back, there was a difference in her appearance the second time, just two weeks before she was gone. The tech said she was sleeping and it was the reason she was so inactive. Her chin was resting against her chest exactly how it rested when we held her lifeless body. I truly believe her health was already declining at this ultrasound. Sure she may have been sleeping but it was probably because she was so deprived of nutrients and blood flow. So tomorrow marks three years since the last time we saw our little girl alive...

I try not to allow myself to dwell on her last days. I try not to wonder about her suffering or possible pain. I try not to imagine that she felt any discomfort. I like to think that maybe she just fell asleep and peacefully slipped away. And then I step back from it and realize how horrifying it is that this all happened in the first place. That it happened to my little girl. That it happened inside my body. It may have been nearly three years ago, but the reality of it still shocks and astounds me. How did I go through this? How is this my life?! Why does this happen? Why me?!

And that's my broken record. On and on, as another year pushes us even further away from her and the time she was here.

Halfway there

I hit the big 20 week mark yesterday. I think that's pretty monumental. Halfway to my little boy. I cannot wait until he's here safely and I can snuggle him. Thank God time is going faster than I expected. I can't believe I'm 20 weeks already. It dragged for some reason with Avery. With Jude, it seems to be flying and I am grateful for that. 40 weeks is a long time to worry and to wait for something I once lost before. I cherish feeling him inside of me, but if the time til he's here goes quickly, I'm fine with that.

I had another perinatologist appointment on Friday, May 13th. My blood pressure is still perfect and according to their scale, I've gained 4 pounds since my last OB appointment. We'll see what their scale says when I go for my appointment on Thursday. Of course, I got to have another ultrasound. It was the longest one I've ever had. The tech measured everything. Even pieces of his skull. I watched intently to see what gestational age everything measured. I was thrilled to see that everything measured either exact or bigger than he was (19 weeks and 5 days). Part of his leg measured 21 weeks! I think that's what the tech at the 3D place measured, and that's why she said he was a week ahead. She was basing it only on one part of his body. But that's okay. Overall, with all of Jude's measurements, he measures two days ahead. To me, that is good. Anything ahead makes me happy. Like I've said, Avery was always behind.

Jude is sucking on his hand in this beautiful profile shot.

I love his little face already.

The bottom of his sweet foot.

Jude's nice long leg. :)

His arm, with his precious little fingers to the left.

I loved watching the tech fill in the blanks on her screen with words like 'normal' as she made the report on Jude. She zoomed in on his precious little heart, measuring the parts as it beat away. I could never hear his heartbeat enough. It is so sacred to me.

I love that as I'm typing this, Jude is kicking and dancing away. I can feel him so much now. Everyday, several times a day. It was not this way with Avery. Even at 25 weeks, her last week, she was not this active. I love feeling Jude move around. It's my favorite thing in the whole world. This all feels like such a new experience to me. Jude is doing things that Avery never did or doing them completely different. That's how I know he's doing so well. I am so grateful for that.

I am very proud of myself because I now give myself my own Lovenox shots. I was having Daniel do it, but on Friday evening, when it was time for my shot, we were at Daniel's brother's wedding. Daniel was the best man and definitely busy, and even if he wasn't, there was no way he could come into the ladies' restroom with me to give me my shot! So I did it all by myself. I found it wasn't so bad, once I had no choice. Haha! So now, I'm able to do it and it actually doesn't hurt as bad (Michelle, you were right!).

Because of the above mentioned wedding, I finally got to see a dear friend who is the cousin of my brother-in-law's new wife. She had her rainbow baby in September. She has been here for me since Avery passed away, knowing what I was going through since it happened to her as well with her precious son. I don't know what I would have done without her. And now here she is along my next journey, helping me with my pregnancy and in my moments of fear or doubt. When I finally got to hold her sweet little boy, I cried. It was so special to hold him, knowing she was in my shoes not too long ago, aching for him just like I ache for Jude. She is my encouragement, my inspiration and I thank God for her. Thank you, Kelly. For being a true friend. I can't wait until Jude and Caleb can play together. <3