Silly love songs

I'm still not over it. I'm not over how amazing Jude is... and that he is here. There is really no reason, besides the Glory of God, that he is alive and thriving, with no evidence of his premature entrance into the world. Being Jude's mom has not become a routine or just some hum drum way of life. I don't take one second for granted. I can't. His sister is gone. And he is a miracle that demands a constant feeling of awe. I just can't help myself.

I enjoy singing Jude to sleep lately. I know he likes it too, because as his eyelids flutter and he's getting sleepy, he just smiles, bearing his tiny little teeth. If I stop singing, he opens his eyes again and looks at me, as if prompting me to continue. As if he can't possibly fall asleep without it. I usually sing "Hey Jude" or "You Are My Sunshine" (without the depressing second verse much more fit for Avery). But lately I have been branching out and singing different songs that come to mind, and they make me cry, like Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing," which is very fitting for my little boy. ("I don't wanna miss one smile / I don't wanna miss one kiss / I just wanna be with you, right here with you, just like this / I just wanna hold you close, feel your heart so close to mine / And just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time...")

I guess I'm starting a trend of finding songs that are "our songs." Little love songs for Jude and I. Our song now is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. I get tears in my eyes every time I hear it. Especially the chorus:

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I felt like I could die everyday that I waited for Jude to be here with me. The journey to conceive him and the high risk pregnancy. And all that while, and even in childhood, I loved him. I loved my future children my whole life, waiting for the day I could have them. It might as well have been a thousand years; it felt like forever. And of course, I'll love Jude for the rest of eternity. Much more than a thousand years, but the lyric will definitely suffice.

Today, as I rocked Jude before his nap, and he gave me sweet sleepy smiles, another song came to mind. It was so hard to get through without the tears streaming down my cheeks. It may sound silly, but my love for Jude is so consuming, I can easily be brought to tears. And music definitely brings that out. So here's that song... I know it's a love song, but it's still a little testament of how I feel about my precious boy.

If you want to sleep, I'll pull the shade
If you should vanish, I'm sure to fade
If you should smolder, I'll breathe in your smoke
If you should laugh, I'll smile and pretend that I made the joke

And if you should ever leave me, I will crumble
That's just the way I am
I hope you never leave me

If you should sink, I don't want to swim
If you lock the door, I'll beg to come in
If you should sing, I won't make a sound
If you should fly, I'll curse the ground

And if you should ever leave me, I will crumble
That's just the way I am
I hope you never leave me
That is to say
I will crumble
I will crumble
I will crumble

If you're an explosion, I won't search for shelter
If you're the sun, I'll sit here and swelter
If you're the moon, I'll stay up all night
If you're a ghost, I'll be haunted for life.