Worrying

I hate worrying. I try so hard not to do it, but after everything we've been through, it's next to impossible not to. This evening, I hadn't felt Jude much. Even after I ate dinner, he didn't kick around like he usually does. I knew deep down that there was no way that something suddenly happened to him, but I still allowed the worry and the bad thoughts to set in.

Finally, I gave in and used my doppler after I thought I felt a movement. As soon as I ran it across my belly, Jude kicked it. He seems to like doing that every time I use the doppler. It didn't take me long to find his heartbeat. Daniel timed it at 140 bpm. After that, he seemed to wake up a bit more, and then he got the hiccups. :) I love his hiccups.

A lot of people tell me not to worry. Unless they've been in the shoes of someone who knows what it's like to lose a baby, then I don't want them to tell me that. I feel like I have earned the right to worry about Jude. No, I don't like worrying about him, but I don't like feeling that other people think I'm silly or crazy, as if I haven't been through anything to warrant extra concern for my unborn baby. All I know is a devastating ending. All I know of pregnancy is death. The only other baby I had died inside of me. No one can expect me not to let my imagination run. I can't be confident and calm all the time. I wish I was. I would love to be. It would make this so much easier! But I know I won't finally feel better until Jude is in my arms, healthy and alive.

I hate that pregnancy is so tainted for me now. I really do love being pregnant. I love all of the physical changes and difficulties that come with it. It's such an honor and a privilege to carry life. I think it's beautiful and wonderful. But the bliss has been stolen from me and it makes pregnancy so hard. I don't care how uncomfortable I can get, I accept that gladly. I enjoy it! Because that means my body is doing what it's supposed to and I will give up anything and everything, especially my comfort, for my little boy. But the worry that comes with it after what has happened in my past steals the perfect joy. There is still joy, but there's also a cloud of anxiety looming. It makes it emotionally exhausting. I'm not sure when I will be willing to have another baby after Jude. I will need a long break from being so emotionally taxed! Nine months is a long time of having your nerves jerked back and forth!

Sometimes I can actually picture never having a third child. That Avery and Jude will be it for us. All the painful injections, all the extra appointments, the extra pills, the fear, the worry... It's a lot to take on. I can't imagine what it's like to just take a prenatal vitamin everyday. To only see one doctor, once a month. To pass the first trimester and know you're completely out of the woods of worry. I'm not sure if Jude's safe arrival will convince me that I can easily birth living children, or if I'll be just as scared the next time. Who knows. But even if Jude is the only living child we'll ever have to show for, I'll be grateful. He's a miracle.