Capture Your Grief : Day 19 // Project

Not too long after Avery died, I was overcome with an immense desire to do something, to channel my grief into something good. I wanted to give back, or bless other people in my shoes, or better equip hospitals like the one I went to who seem to fall short on their preparedness for stillbirths. I wasn't exactly sure where was heart was at. I just wanted to help someone.

I was very surprised how quickly the world around me moved on after Avery died. I guess if it didn't happen to you, it's easy to just go about your life as if nothing happened. For me, life ended. My heart stopped when Avery's did. I could no longer function as a human being. I was a mere suggestion of the person I used to be. I ached for the comfort of those around me in the early days. I longed for words of encouragement and to know people were still thinking of us and remembering Avery. I needed it.

I was out with my dad one afternoon and we stopped at the grocery store. He needed to pick up a graduation card for his friend's daughter. I skimmed the sympathy cards, internally seething over the fact that they had a 'loss of pet' section but lacked a 'loss of child' section. I thought about all of the generic cards I'd received and wondered if their purchasers were any bit dismayed over the poor choices of cards for such a loss. And in thinking about those cards, that desire for encouragement and comfort returned, and I wished I could still receive such love and confirmation that my struggle and my agony was cared about.

That's when I came up with BLM Penpals. It has seemed to sort of fizzle out now, but two years ago, it was a very comforting tool. I presented it to the readers of Avery's blog and they jumped at it. All of the baby loss moms who were interested submitted their home addresses, information on their precious babies, and some information about themselves. The idea was that we would all send cards, letters, small gifts to each other and continue to build each other up long after the world moved on. Over 30 women got involved.

It was so wonderful to open the mailbox and have a cheery, loving card from a kind stranger. Especially on the days when formula samples would arrive for a baby that was no longer alive. I enjoyed growing closer to these women and doing nice things for them. Instead of just dwelling on myself, I was thinking of others and trying to brighten their days. To this day, several of us send out Christmas cards. We always know how to reach each other if we'd like. I really enjoyed the early days of BLM Penpals. I think it blessed a lot of people at just the right time. I know it did that for me.



 

Four years married

Daniel and I celebrated four years of marriage today. On one hand, I can't believe that much time has passed since our wedding day. But on the other hand, I feel as if we've endured a lifetime in these last four years. Despite our hardships, we've grown closer and have developed such a love and respect for each other. When I was in labor with Avery, a nurse warned us about our relationship, saying that there are many couples who get divorced over the loss of a child. It is actually a statistical truth. Child loss is so grueling and devastating, it can take anyone and anything down with it. But Daniel and I stood up to that test and we came out stronger together than ever. I thank God for that.

 

October 18, 2008 - Our wedding day

 

 

Today was not the perfect day we anticipated, some unexpected difficulties rearing ugly heads (don't they always? I mean, c'mon, give it a rest!). But we stuck to the date plans we made while my parents looked after Jude. It ended up being the greatest night we've had in a long time. We really enjoyed each other's company. It almost felt surreal. A perfect night, leaving our troubles at home and just loving each other.

 

We went to Kafe Kokopelli in Dade City for dinner. The food was excellent and the service was great. We'd love to go back.

The entire exterior of the restaurant is covered in vines. It's amazing. Such a neat place.

 



My groom. We really enjoyed ourselves.

 

 



 

 This has to be the most original place I've been to. Such a neat feeling to the atmosphere. It used to be an old Ford Model T show room. So cool!

 

 

After dinner, we walked around for a little bit. Downtown Dade City is very pretty.

 



 

The courthouse. It looked so historically beautiful. We sat down and just watched the remainder of the daylight slip away.

 

From there, we drove a couple miles away to the drive-in. This was our first time going to one together. It is by far the coolest thing we've ever done together. This place was built in 1950 and it's a little shabby, but that adds to it authenticity. Being a nostalgic person, I appreciate that. We got a Mountain Dew and a bag of peanut M&Ms and took our places in our Santa Fe. Daniel cranked up the A/C and we bundled up in blankets in the two front bucket seats, leaning close to each other. I put my feet up on the dashboard and got comfortable. It was so cozy.

 

As Looper (starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis) began, Daniel and I just looked at each other, all excited. I can't explain this moment, but we just felt so happy. Daniel even said, "Right now, everything is perfect." It wasn't about the movie, it was just about doing something really special, sharing something new together. I told him, "I never want to forget this moment." It just felt so, for lack of a better word, epic. And I felt really happy. And so in love.

 

By the way, Looper was an awesome movie. We loved it. We were surprised to shed a few tears. It was just really great. I'm so grateful for sweet moments and beautiful memories made together. 

Capture Your Grief : Day 18 // Family portrait

There will always be someone missing in our family portraits. Each time I look at the three of us together, I think how there should be a fourth. I can't help but remember how incomplete my family is. Do not be mistaken, I am so grateful for Jude. We are so blessed that he is here and not with Avery, but that doesn't change our grief over her or the grief over the children we thought we would have but can't. It's not easy to accept that -- to accept the demise of a lifelong dream. I spent my entire childhood, dreaming of a life I will never have. It takes time to get used to this reality.

We are aware of adoption. We are aware of surrogacy. That doesn't mean either are easy or possible. So this is our family. The three of us -- always 'minus one'. Together by the Grace of God. Blessed to be a family. Blessed to share this life together.

Capture Your Grief : Day 17 // Birthday

Avery has already had two birthdays. Not the kind of birthdays filled with smiles and laughter, cake and ice cream, presents and games. Guests and decorations. Her birthdays have been spent at the cemetery where her shell rests. Both years, we have decorated her spot, covering her stone in little trinkets and tokens of our love for her. Fresh, pretty flowers. A birthday balloon.

On her first birthday, we released seven balloons, one for each hour we spent with her in the hospital room after she was born. On her second birthday, we got one balloon for each person in attendance (my family and Daniel's) and we all wrote a message to Avery on our balloons. Obviously, it was done for us and not for her. But it's comforting to pretend that she could receive the words we so lovingly scrawled. Jude was there for his sister's second birthday, which was bittersweet. He even released a balloon for her. One day he will understand what this all is. And he will know he has a sister in Heaven, a sister who saved his life and taught us how to help him survive.

October 16, 2009

This day, three years ago, is the last significant best day of my life. This day, I found out I was finally pregnant with my first baby -- the day I waited my whole life for. It's odd to think that it set my hell in motion. I was a week shy of 26 years old, but to be honest, had been a mother in my heart since I was old enough to play with dolls.

I can still remember my bliss and my utter excitement. I have never been happier than I was in that moment. Even my most beautiful moments with Jude have been bittersweet and tainted by the doings of my flawed body.  Regardless of anything, I miss that day three years ago. I miss thinking my dreams were coming true. I miss having Avery alive, so close. I miss the time when my life was normal, before grief ravaged and frayed every fiber of my being.

I wonder if there will come a time when I don't remember this day... When October 16th rolls around and I'm no longer aware of its significance. For now, I don't see that happening. I can't shake any of this. I feel like this monumentally beautiful day was taken away from me the moment we lost Avery. This day is sacred to me. Pregnancy is so sacred to me. It always was. And after what I've been through, it's intensified. In a world where it's seemingly fashionable to complain away pregnancies and take 'needy' babies for granted, it's proven unbearable.

But I live on like I always do. Remembering my girl on every little special day I can. Because that's all I have left of her. And it will never be enough.