Mothers Day

Yesterday was my third Mothers Day. It used to be a day I couldn't wait to celebrate and be a part of. Instead, the day has been more of a struggle than a celebration. Tearing off a band-aid instead of feeling honored. While it does get better each year, it's still not a day I particularly look forward to.

2010 was terrible. Avery died just two months before. I was stuck in that awkward place where you know you're a mother because you created life and gave birth, but you feel like you have to justify your motherhood to other people. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess... So much pain over the people who don't wish you a 'Happy Mothers Day.' Not a good first Mothers Day at all.

2011 was a little better, but still very difficult. I was almost 20 weeks pregnant with Jude and still not sure he'd even make it out alive. I was never guaranteed anything with him. Each week was a victory. It was horrifying to be wished a 'Happy future Mothers Day' by someone close to me. It's devastating to think that your family has possibly forgotten your baby... or doesn't count her as part of the family.

2012 has been the best Mothers Day yet, but definitely not flawless. I was fearful all day that someone was going to wish me a 'Happy first Mothers Day.' I just didn't want to feel hurt. I wanted to enjoy the first Mothers Day with a living child. Thankfully, no one said anything hurtful. But it was still a day of mixed emotions. I'm not the mother I always wanted to be. I miss my little girl. I'll never be a mom to many. Yet, I am grateful to be a mother at all. I am grateful to have a perfect daughter waiting for me in Heaven. I am grateful that Jude is here. But I never wanted him to grow up alone. It's still a healing wound. Mothers Day brings all of that to attention and makes it easy to focus on.

I am so in love with my little boy. I know I dwell on the things I have lost in my life, but do not mistake it for ingratitude. I am learning to live with these realities. Even so, it is effortless to enjoy Jude and everything he adds to our lives. His smile, his laugh. His sounds, his sweet baby smell... So many beautiful things that make him incredible. It's an honor to be his mother. That is definitely something to celebrate.