Flashback: 7.12.11

I keep looking through the photos on my computer of when I was pregnant with Jude last year. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that he is turning one so soon. I can't believe it's gone so quickly, that my tiny tiny baby is turning into a little boy. I'm holding onto all of these moments and reminiscing about the journey to get to him.

Today, last year, I was 28 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I posted this photo on this blog.

These were my favorite belly shots to take. I loved watching my feet disappear. I loved looking down at my pregnant belly. I loved everything about carrying Jude. (Okay, minus the worrying.) It was such a precious, exciting, scary, crazy, beautiful time in my life. And most times, I still can't believe he's actually here. <3

Trying cloth diapers

In the past several weeks, I started looking into cloth diapering for Jude. I thought saving money on disposable diapers sounded like a good idea, if cloth could work out. So finally, I got a small stash of Thirsties cloth diapers, consisting of three covers and three cloth inserts. I chose that brand based on the cheapest set, actually. I didn't want to spend too much money if it ended up not being for us.

I was excited when the package came in the mail a few days ago.

I admit, I'm a sucker for the cute prints and pretty colors.

 I couldn't wait to see Jude wearing his new diaper. :)

Of course, he looked so cute. It seemed comfortable and like it moved easily with him. I felt like it fit him well.

Today was day four of trying cloth. I'm only doing it part time since I only have enough for three diaper changes. Jude still sleeps in a disposable. I am nervous about leaking at night, since he sometimes has that problem anyway. Yesterday was the first time he went 'number 2' while in cloth. I can't say I enjoyed the extra tasks that came with cleaning him up. That is the part I was worried about (especially if out in public). It's the one thing that makes me unsure of cloth altogether, to be honest.

So, after four days, I'm still not sure whether or not to purchase more cloth and work toward full time cloth diapering. I'm not sold on the Thirsties brand. I do think they absorb and hold everything in well, but sometimes I feel like I'm not placing the cloth in right, since there are no flaps (like Flips) or snaps inside to hold it in place (like GroVia). Or maybe I should purchase other types (like all in one's or pockets) and see if they work better for us. I do like the idea and I plan to keep using my small stash. I want it to work out, even if it's just during the day.

I'm glad I'm even trying this out. I don't want to miss out on any experiences with Jude. I won't have another chance with another baby to see if I like cloth diapering. So now I won't ever look back and wish I'd tried it. I never want to have any regrets, no matter how big or small! :)

Flashback: 7.10.11

I'm perpetually sentimental, but lately, as I work on Jude's approaching first birthday party, I'm even more sensitive to it. More nostalgic than ever, if that's possible for me.

Today last year, I was 28 weeks pregnant with Jude.

I miss being pregnant so much. I loved being pregnant. Despite the fear and the injections, it was still the greatest thing I've had the privilege of experiencing. I can't believe a whole year has gone by since I snapped this photo in my bathroom. (Thankfully, it's been painted since then!) It's so weird to think that I had no idea, as I posed for this, that Jude would be here in exactly three more weeks.

Jude's first 4th

In 2010, the 4th of July came less than four months after we lost Avery. I was surprised how difficult it was to not have her there. She was supposed to be just a week or two old, had she been born in June and not died in March. I remember pining for patriotic dresses and bows, wishing she was donning them, all chubby and sweet in my arms, basking in the glow of the fireworks. Of course, a newborn shouldn't be out watching loud fireworks, but in my fantasy, it played out that way. Perfectly.

Last year was still difficult, praying desperately that Jude would be here for the next year's festivities. I had no idea he'd be coming in just 27 days. So, this year was finally a joyous occasion, Jude present and well. Finally, my child was a part of it.

My parents live on a lake, and so many homes around it set off their own fireworks. There was one family close by who had an amazing display this year. I wasn't sure how Jude would react to the loud sounds.

When the loud and beautifully bright finale ensued, Jude was captivated. He kicked his little legs excitedly as I held him. I mostly watched his face instead of the scenes above, savoring every second of his wonder and amazement. A little smile crept across his lips every so often as he watched. I felt like I could cry, loving finally sharing this moment, and loving my little boy with every fiber of my being. I love watching him enjoy life. I will never take for granted that he is here.

I can't believe our little boy will be one in just 22 days. The 4th was his last first holiday. I can't believe it's going so quickly. Jude is so incredible. It's an honor to share this special days with him.

Silly love songs

I'm still not over it. I'm not over how amazing Jude is... and that he is here. There is really no reason, besides the Glory of God, that he is alive and thriving, with no evidence of his premature entrance into the world. Being Jude's mom has not become a routine or just some hum drum way of life. I don't take one second for granted. I can't. His sister is gone. And he is a miracle that demands a constant feeling of awe. I just can't help myself.

I enjoy singing Jude to sleep lately. I know he likes it too, because as his eyelids flutter and he's getting sleepy, he just smiles, bearing his tiny little teeth. If I stop singing, he opens his eyes again and looks at me, as if prompting me to continue. As if he can't possibly fall asleep without it. I usually sing "Hey Jude" or "You Are My Sunshine" (without the depressing second verse much more fit for Avery). But lately I have been branching out and singing different songs that come to mind, and they make me cry, like Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing," which is very fitting for my little boy. ("I don't wanna miss one smile / I don't wanna miss one kiss / I just wanna be with you, right here with you, just like this / I just wanna hold you close, feel your heart so close to mine / And just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time...")

I guess I'm starting a trend of finding songs that are "our songs." Little love songs for Jude and I. Our song now is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. I get tears in my eyes every time I hear it. Especially the chorus:

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I felt like I could die everyday that I waited for Jude to be here with me. The journey to conceive him and the high risk pregnancy. And all that while, and even in childhood, I loved him. I loved my future children my whole life, waiting for the day I could have them. It might as well have been a thousand years; it felt like forever. And of course, I'll love Jude for the rest of eternity. Much more than a thousand years, but the lyric will definitely suffice.

Today, as I rocked Jude before his nap, and he gave me sweet sleepy smiles, another song came to mind. It was so hard to get through without the tears streaming down my cheeks. It may sound silly, but my love for Jude is so consuming, I can easily be brought to tears. And music definitely brings that out. So here's that song... I know it's a love song, but it's still a little testament of how I feel about my precious boy.

If you want to sleep, I'll pull the shade
If you should vanish, I'm sure to fade
If you should smolder, I'll breathe in your smoke
If you should laugh, I'll smile and pretend that I made the joke

And if you should ever leave me, I will crumble
That's just the way I am
I hope you never leave me

If you should sink, I don't want to swim
If you lock the door, I'll beg to come in
If you should sing, I won't make a sound
If you should fly, I'll curse the ground

And if you should ever leave me, I will crumble
That's just the way I am
I hope you never leave me
That is to say
I will crumble
I will crumble
I will crumble

If you're an explosion, I won't search for shelter
If you're the sun, I'll sit here and swelter
If you're the moon, I'll stay up all night
If you're a ghost, I'll be haunted for life.