Last night, I had my first moment of fear. One of those normal little pregnancy symptoms happened that could also be mistaken as something wrong and I let my imagination run away with it. I let myself imagine this ending. I wish I wouldn't be so quick to let my faith falter. I want to believe the best. I don't want to sit here and wait for a repeat. I refuse to be like that. I'm not beating myself up, because I know I have every right to feel afraid at times. I just don't want to allow it to steal my joy or ruin how I feel about this pregnancy. I need to be strong for this baby. I already love him or her. So much.
When I first found out I was pregnant (a whole week ago!) I had a hard time fathoming that there is a second child. That Avery isn't the only one. We've been hoping for another baby for so long, it just felt so surreal that it was happening. But already, I feel the presence of this new little one, completely separate from Avery and already such a part of my heart.
Today I had Daniel get my box of maternity clothes out from the garage and I opened it. It was bittersweet to see my cute babydoll shirts I wore with Avery underneath. There are several shirts that still have the tags because I lost her before I got big enough to fit into them. I pray I get to wear these clothes out this time! I pray I outgrow them! I don't mind being bigger than a house. Anything to reach the end and bring our baby home. So, I wore a pair of skinny maternity jeans and cardigan tonight. It made me happy to get to wear them.
Tonight remedied how I was feeling last night. My brother-in-law, Andy, proposed to his girlfriend, Margaret, at the end of his set at a worship concert. It was just wonderful and it brought so much joy to all of us. It was so great to be a part of. It kicked me out of my little slump left over from my worries of last night. And tonight, when seeing friends at the show, they asked me "how are you?" and for the first time since Avery died, my answer was, "Good."
Thank you, little one. <3
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you." - 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)
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6 comments:
Yeah, tonight was a good night, and still is :) I love so much and I pray we get to hold this baby in the future. I'm sure we will be able to. I LOVE YOU! You're beautiful.
I get that. After Julia, it was a bit weird with Evan to say "I have two." Now it'll be I have more...
Today has been ok. A goodish sort of day.
THe fears are there...and I hope that you bring this baby home to love and take care of too <3
I started a private blog for Adrian as well, even before I was pregnant actually...cause I just had so many things I needed to say and feel without any triggers for anyone else..
I look forward to following your journey..and ps i dont care if I get bigger then a house either LOL!!!
if you want to follow adrians blog just message me an email address
xoxo
I am so very happy for you and I look forward to reading about this happy journey <3
I love your new blog! Im excited to follow your journey with you!
So excited to be a part of your journey with your rainbow baby. Looking forward to traveling the road with you!
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