Capture Your Grief : Day 23 // Name & photo

I still remember the exact moment we settled on Avery's name. My dad was on the phone with his funeral director friend and he needed her name for the obituary. That's when she was officially named. I hate that she died before it was definite.

When I was first pregnant, we had always said, if it's a boy, he will be Jude and if it's a girl, she will be Avery. That was it. But we began to question things, as I'm really bad at coming up with girl names and Jude had been set in stone since before we were married. We considered Sawyer Grace for her for a short while, but ultrasounds at both 20 and 23 weeks couldn't completely determine her gender. It was probably because she was slowly dying. But of course, we didn't know that.

Daniel and I just looked at each other, wondering what our poor lost baby should be called. She was still with us, but gone at the same time. Not even born yet, but already in Heaven. She no longer felt like a Sawyer. I hadn't been sure it was girly enough anyway. (I worry about what other people think) I asked Daniel if he wanted to name her Cadence, his favorite, and he shook his head. I agreed. Then I started to cry, knowing her name in my heart. "I want to name her Avery," I choked out. And he knew it as well. We weren't sure on a middle name, and at the time, didn't feel like it mattered a whole lot. We gave her my name as her middle name, to kind of keep us "together." And now I regret that. I wish she had a beautiful, meaningful middle name. Avery doesn't mean anything special... (Elf ruler?!) so it would have been nice if it was something like Grace (after my grandma and just the beautiful trait itself). But that's her name. And it's okay. There are worse things... like her being gone.

I love the name Avery. I think it's the most beautiful name in the whole world. I wish I could actually call that name and see a precious little head of ringlets turn to answer. I wish I could hear that name spoken on more lips. I just wish she was here to have her name and use her name and be her name.

"Remember me," she said, smiling. "Write my name somewhere safe..." - Jimmy Eat World

Capture Your Grief : Day 22 // Place of care

I love my doctor. I love her staff. I always enjoyed going to my appointments. It makes me sad to think I'll never go there again for another pregnancy.

Capture Your Grief : Day 21 // Sacred space

We have a special little place in our home for certain Avery mementos. Underneath two large photos taken the day she was born, is a small shelf. There sits our Avery Bear (made by Molly Bears), wearing a heart necklace with Avery's name on it that we got in Gatlinburg, Tennessee back in March. There's a pink letter 'A' I got at Hobby Lobby. A framed photo of her -- my absolute favorite. The frame has a little pinwheel on it since they are special to us and remind us of her. There's a Willow Tree figure called 'Angel of Freedom' holding a butterfly in her hands. My mom bought it for us since butterflies are so significant to us. There's a ceramic little baby girl shoe that says 'Jesus Loves Me' on it. Avery's name and birthday are written on the bottom. Daniel's mom gave it to us when Avery was born. Then there's a little glass teddy bear with wings holding a blue heart for March's birthstone. There's a pretty purple butterfly hanging right above the shelf and recently, Daniel made an origami butterfly that hangs over the entire display.

I don't prefer to call this a shrine. It's just our tribute to our little girl. There's no way of knowing if we'll always keep it there, but for now, it's a way to keep her mark in our home since she can't be here like she's supposed to be.

Harvest Pumpkin Festival

Daniel, my mom, and I took Jude to the Harvest Pumpkin Festival at a local vineyard. Here in Florida, it's hard to get into the Fall spirit since our leaves don't turn beautiful colors and it takes forever for the weather to cool down. So we decided to check out this little festival. :)

 

 

Capture Your Grief : Day 20 // Organization

Through my journey to build a family, a few special organizations and charities have become close to my heart.

Oddly enough, about two years before Avery was even born, I came across NILMDTS online and sat and cried at the computer as I looked at the gorgeous photos of these beautiful lost babies. I was amazed that such a thing existed and knew in my heart, as I pained for those parents, that that would be the very worst thing that could ever happen to me. I never dreamed it would actually happen to me. If my life was a movie or a book, I guess stumbling upon their website would have been foreshadowing. What was even more odd, I did not remember that NILMDTS existed when it came time to be the grieving mother. Unfortunately, my hospital did not offer it as an option. I'm not sure if they didn't know about it or if it was somehow up to me to ask for the arrangements. Every time I remember, I am saddened that I was not able to receive their kind services and have professional, beautiful photos of my little girl. It was up to us to capture her details, instead of just spending time with her. Daniel and I traded off with the camera the entire seven hours. We don't even have a family photo together. I regret that very much.

Because of Jude, I support March of Dimes. Preemies are so delicate and start out with so many obstacles to overcome. MOD helps get them there. I don't know if Jude was directly benefited from MOD. I can only assume that the NICU he stayed in receives help from them. Either way, it's a wonderful thing, to march for babies, to save the babies. :)




Molly Bears is a beautiful organization. They make weighted teddy bears for bereaved families. When I got my Avery Bear, it touched my heart so much to feel her weight in my hands once again. It was a special moment and I cherish my beautiful bear so much. I love the work they do, and the love they put into each bear. It's crazy how comforting these bears are!