The scare

I never thought I'd live a life where there could ever be such a thing as a "pregnancy scare." I had always wanted to have several children, so I never imagined before this new reality that it would be something I'd have to reluctantly avoid. I would've welcomed any surprise pregnancy with excitement and happiness.

For "normal" people, a pregnancy scare is pretty much thinking you may be pregnant when you aren't ready to be for one reason or another. For me, it is truly a scare... a literal fear for my life. Daniel and I experienced this just a couple weeks ago.

I contemplated whether or not to share this, since it entails "TMI" personal elements like monthly cycles, but I feel it's a very important piece of my healing journey. So with that small disclaimer, I will continue...

Ever since Jude was born, my cycles have not returned completely to normal. A couples days off or so each month but relatively dependable. Nothing to make me question anything. This past month was different. I was four days late, compared to the previous month. And for those four days, I felt like my world was hanging by a small thread, waiting to be severed and come crashing down.

I'm not like a typical woman. As I've explained previously, I have been strongly medically advised not to have any more children. My body does not do well with my pregnancies. My body failed Avery, causing her stillbirth at 25 weeks. Four weeks later, the pregnancy had caused my gallbladder to go bad and I had to have surgery to have it removed. Then, as we all know, my body started failing Jude and he was born at 31 weeks via emergency c-section. I had a bad bleeding problem during the surgery since I'd been on Lovenox (blood thinner) and had to have a plasma transfusion. Another four weeks later, the surgery had caused pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in the lungs) that nearly took my life.

All of this plagued me in those four days... If I were to be pregnant again, I could lose another baby, or my body could have another catastrophic response to the pregnancy. There's no way of knowing what could go wrong during or afterwards. I'd most likely have to have another c-section so the bleeding would be an issue again. There is no way we could endure losing another baby, and after two near-death experiences after having Jude, I really could not put my family in the position to possibly lose me. Needless to say, I do not want to die either!

As I feared that the impossible had happened, I imagined writing letters to Jude, in case something happened to me, so he would have at least some part of his mother. So he could know me at least a little. I cried, just imagining that... and imagining losing another child. And since I'd most likely have another preemie, what if this one wasn't as strong as Jude was? What if things didn't go as well or he or she had to be born way too early? I couldn't help but worry about these terrible things.

As if those facts and possibilities were not enough, there was another fear I had to dwell on if it were true that I was pregnant. Because of my previous blood clots, I am now on coumadin indefinitely. Coumadin is highly dangerous to an unborn baby. My hematologist told me, above everything else, not to get pregnant because of the severe effects the drug can have on a baby. I was told that I would most likely miscarry or the baby would have birth defects. Definitely not good things at all. My mom did some research and there's about a 50/50 chance that the baby would either die or have defects... or be completely unaffected. Not a chance I'm comfortable taking.

During those four uncertain days, I assessed my life and the way things are. I have a sweet, hard-working husband and a healthy and amazing baby boy. He is the only living child that we will ever get to have and this has plagued and saddened me on a near-daily basis. But comparing this hardship with all of the fears of a potential doomed pregnancy really made me see things in a new light. It's crazy to say, but I think I needed that. I did not enjoy all the worrying, but I am grateful for the good it left behind. I wasn't ungrateful for my blessings, but I was too focused on the dreams I have lost. I didn't want to live that way, but I didn't know how to push it away, and not let it spoil the good in my life.

On the fourth day of all of this, I actually took a pregnancy test. I prayed so hard and begged God for my normal life... well normal to me, anyway. I so badly wanted to just go back to what Daniel and I have together and share my days with Jude and watch him grow. I did feel angry though that this was even happening. That I was taking a pregnancy test out of fear, praying away the one thing I wish for so badly. I would love to be pregnant again and have another baby. But being pregnant wouldn't just be a surprise that came too soon, like it is for most people. It would be a threat to my life and the life of the baby. Sometimes I am still dumbfounded that this is even possible. That it's my reality. And that's when I feel angry that I have to face it at all. It never occurred to me that there could be any scares since we are so careful and do not take this lightly. But now that it's happened and blown over, I do believe it's taught us a lot.

I feel more content with our life. I've been feeling happier. I notice such a difference in my day to day life since this happened. It wasn't easy to go through but I am glad it happened. Maybe it was a little gift in disguise from God, to help me get to where I need to be. My heart has needed a lot of help lately and that was definitely a nudge in the right direction.